Roller derby can save your life.

"We willingly do this knowing there's pain involved, that sometimes you're going to get hurt. We don't need excuses, nor do we need to know what's going on in your normal life. Who cares if you're going through a divorce, that you're waiting on test results or that you're thinking about dropping out of that masters program? We just need you to get your head in the game. Right now."

"We bond. Our stories come out. We learn a new kind of respect for each other. But what's funny is, instead of going easy on each other, knowing who we really are only makes us tougher teammates. Now when someone falls, when someone's on the ground doubting herself, there's no apologies, no excuses. We look at her and say: "Get up. I know you've been through worse.""

"And when you're out in the "normal world" knowing somewhere a gang of badasses absolutely has your back? Nobody can knock you down."

http://www.oprah.com/oprahsbookclub/How-Roller-Derby-Can-Save-Your-Life-Pamela-Ribon_1/1

Yours Alone (A Song from "Heartless: The Story of the Tin Man")

My heart is yours, love, yours alone, love
And should you wander, there I'll be
For where you go, love, I will follow
My heart is yours, love, and yours alone

My heart is yours, love, yours alone, love
And should the storms rise, there I'll be
I'll fight for you, love, till I go under
My heart is yours love, and yours alone

You're the song that is my heart
And it echoes deep and true
But if time should take me far, I'll sing till I find you

My heart is yours, love, yours alone, love
And in the darkness, you're my light
For in this world, love, there's no other
My heart is yours, love, and yours alone

I am yours, love, and yours alone.

42. The answer to life, the universe and everything.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.
I should've been blogging my thoughts, but I made lists of them instead... Which, is kind of like blogging, but not quite, since it's in my yellow pocket notebook and note here.
regardless.

Thoughts thoughts thoughts.
Mostly of the serious variety.

I guess my first thought is that I keep thinking about deleting this blog, because I don't want to remember all the crap I had to go through in my break up with Nate.
But then, in the same moment, I'll cherish those moments, because they're preparing me for something greater.
Maybe a greater love.
A greater relationship.
More adventures.
I'm not sure. But I know it's preparing me for something. And for that, I am grateful.

I've been thinking a lot about love... Whether or not it exists... whether or not I'll find it in the capacity that I so strongly desire.
With Nate, I thought "this is it. things will never be better than this because it is so perfect."
I have a hard time thinking that anything could be better than what we had; but I know it will be.
Because that's life. Sometimes you don't realize the struggle until it's too late, but since you've already fought through them, there's no turning back.
Such too, are relationships.. Struggles. A big choppy pool of water to swim through.
There are days that the sky is clear, the sun is out and the water is still. A perfect day.
And there are days when the storms are raging, there's lightning, and you're afraid.
Those kinds of days might sneak up on the unsuspecting lover- but it's always evident to the unhappy one.
I apparently made Nate unhappy, but I had no idea- when someone tells you they're happy and nothing is wrong, and they make a good case of it, you believe them.
When something is wrong with a relationship, you tell your partner....
I don't want to make it out to be either of our faults. We just weren't right together.
It was great. It was good. Sometimes, it was pretty rough.
And I think that my optimism and his pessimism were the end of things.
I kept saying things would be okay, and he kept saying they wouldn't.
We're just different is all.
We both have so much to learn about life, and about love and about ourselves.
And maybe his journey includes any variations of 'hers'... but mine includes me.
Me, my books, my travels, my music.
And I'm coming to terms with that.
I'm coming to terms with that fact that I'm not who I need to be in order to be loved the way I want- no, need- to be.
I'm best when I'm being loved, I really am.
Being loved really keeps me from being an asshole all the time... It reminds me that I'm not really crazytown or a meanie.. That I'm just wary.

I generally have a very hard exterior, and a very high wall.
Yes, it keeps people out, and yes, I'm aware it keeps me out of friendships and relationships that have great potential.
I'm just very wary of people and their ability to hurt me.
So, if I come off as a bitch, then they won't take the chance.
And that's so sad when you spell it out like that, I know. I get it.
But that's really how I've always been. I'm sure there's some psychobabble that could analyze it.. like, how I've apparently always been a skeptic, and wary of people and I have trust issues.. but it's fine. I figure things out. That's how I do.

I dunno. I'm just rambling now.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about religion and spirituality and faith and different belief systems.
I think when you break it down to it's basics: religion is universal, and all the gods/Gods are pretty much the same one God. The basis for your individual faith demands very strongly on where you live. If you're an American, a lot of people are 'christians'.. lots of methodist, baptist, catholic... If you're from Israel, you're Jewish.. if you're from the middle east, more often than not Muslim.
What I haven't figure out quite yet is...
Well, who am I kidding? I've only figured out that much so far, and everything else is oblivion.
I guess what I'm saying is that I yearn for that kind of something in my life.
I grew up Baptist, I've been going to church since I was in the womb... singing for church audiences since the young age of 3... leading youth groups, singing in praise band..
And I wonder if it's more of a feeling that 'this is home' rather than a feeling of 'yeah, this God character is a pretty solid cat.'
I haven't figured it out yet.
Everyone always says when the Spirit moves, you'll feel it in your heart.
But what if it's not? What if that's just my yearning to be unconditionally loved and forgiving?

I have such serious doubts about this religion business.
I've heard that if you don't doubt, then you can't believe.. or something like that.

It's all just so confusing and convoluted, and I'm just.. I'm not really interested in being part of the mainstream Christian movements.
There's too much judgment and hate and anger for it to be a religion of love and light and.. i dunno, happiness?
I just can't understand how I could believe in the same God that people like Brother Jed believe in.
Or the people who picket funerals.
Or the people who judge someone for.. well, anything, really.

I'm just.. for better lack of a word- I'm in limbo.
I want to believe in this business.. but half of me thinks it's nonsense and culty, and the other half of me thinks it might be legit.

But dammit, all those religious/faithful/spiritual people are so happy all the time.
Maybe that's what I miss.. the bliss of believing in something instead of having a heavy heart all the time.

Gah.
I don't know.
I'm just... skeptical, about everything, it seems.

Alanis Morissette-You Oughta Know

and everytime you speak her name does she know how you told me you'd hold me until you die, until you die.. but you're still alive.

...and everytime I scratch my nails down someone else's back, I hope you feel it. Well, can you feel it?

We are strong.
We become loved, by our team mates and ourselves.
Don’t choke on her cherry.
That feeling of being alive on the track.

...the additions to my roller derby philosophy paper made by Amy and Ariana.

Can I say something? Jimmy, from now on, you stay away from me. I have wasted thousands and thousands of kisses on you - kisses that I thought were special because of your lips and your smile and all your color and life. I used to think that was the real you when you smiled. But now I know you don't mean any of it. You just save it for all your songs. Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight.

-Faye, That Thing You Do

'friends' do not date the boy you're still hung up on .
'friends' remember that you're still in love with him.
'friends' DO give a shit that you're still hurting, and they will NOT date said boy.

Derby has taught me a lot about friendship, about how girls aren't always conniving stupid cunts.
Derby has taught me that I'm better than this situation. And better than that girl AND that boy.
Derby has taught me that I am powerful and beautiful and strong, and dude.. Fuck everything else, because I matter.

"To go out there and get the pants scared off you and to get beat up a little and to have all that actually feel really good because you're OKAY at the end of it and you can go and do it again"
—Lippy Wrongstockings, 42, Tri-City Roller Girls

"Unemployed? Fat? A lawyer? Rich housewife? Who cares? We all smell the same at the end of practice. It's a "no judgment zone" where everyone can let their freak flag fly"
—Blonde Phantom, 47, Providence Roller Derby

"I never want to be that woman who lets fear keep her from doing new things or the things she really wants to do. I tell people "It's not a tragedy to die doing what you love to do. The tragedy is dying never having done what you always wanted to do."
—Vi Suvius, 50, Ventura County Derby Darlins

"Derby has given me strength, confidence, and the ability to open a beer with my ass"
—HeLLen Bed, 43, Central Mass Roller Derby

Derby has made me feel “whole” again. I am not just growing old anymore. Right now my goal is the perfect can opener on that 3rd corner while staying in bounds, combining it with a j-hook of course. I wanna do my personal best and do it right, not just to hit a girl, but to perfect the hit"
—Motley Bruze, 40, Fort Myers Derby Girls


"I've always considered myself to be a strong woman, but I have met women with incredible physical, mental and emotional strength and I have come to admire them all"
—Sue Perduper, 45, Windy City Rollers

Sugarland - Stay

What a beautiful song and a beautiful voice.

I'm restless.
I feel like there are things I need to be doing. Lots of things.

Instead, I'm wasting my life in college, wishing I were playing music, wishing I were in a healthy, stable, safe relationship for the Holidays, wishing I had will strong enough to make me start running- even if it is 24 degrees outside, wishing, hoping, praying...

I'm just so damn tired of school, work, sleep, repeat... derby on the good days...
I want that stability of adult life.
I want my evenings free, my weekends off...
I want time to go and do and be.
Time that isn't owned by MSU and Old Navy.
I want to live my life.. And it feels like all I do is wait for it to start.

I've recently curled back into my quiet, insecure, hermit habits.
I'm angry all the time.
I'm scared all the time, about everything.
I'm sad all the time.

Derby helps.
But I know I need to be more active.

Regardless.
I miss the relationship. I miss the snuggling. I miss feeling safe and warm.
And while my newest prospect is a positive one... I still can't help but feel terrified that what little I have left is going to be broken, too.
I'm still too broken to allow anyone in to help patch me up.
(And yes, I am aware I have to do it myself... but still.)


I have a giant Nate-shaped hole in me still.
And really, until that is healed... There's nothing I can do.

I want it.
I want that.. electric feeling when I think of him, or when he touches me or kisses me.
I want that fire in my heart.
I want IT again with someone.

I had it with him.
I saw our future- he constantly brought it up in conversation, so i couldn't help but see it, or think about it.
When you say you're saving for a ring, and you talk about wedding plans, and our families couldn't be happier...
He was the only one who made me think about marriage and babies and white picket fences- while still thinking about my career and my schooling.
Such a conflict of interests.. but it worked.

I think the reason that I'm having a hard time letting go is remembering shit.
It's so lame, but watching Save the Last Dance, Derek asks Sarah "what do you want?" (as in, does she still want to dance?)
Nate was like that.
And now, I have to ask myself, because I don't have someone watching over me, reminding me that I get carried away in the mundane and forget about my passions.

Thinking about those kinds of things made me remember when we would snuggle on the couch and plan the house we were going to build together.
We always planned these elaborate giant music studios. His being full of drums and drummy equipment... Mine being sound proof and acoustically sound for my horn playing..

It's the little memories now that sneak up on me.

I'm healing, I'm moving on.
But those moments sneak up on me.

It's getting better.

An apology.
I got an apology.
Not for breaking me and making me damaged goods, and no explanation for what happened...
But an apology for acting like a child and being an asshole.

I wish it didn't make me feel the way it does.
Just a text from him makes my heart stop.

I loved him.
I still love him.
He's going to be that piece of me that I never get back, probably forever.

I'm in a mood.
He asked what kind.
I said "ambivalent."
Because I am.

Adj. 1. ambivalent - uncertain or unable to decide about what course to follow

I've been in this mood for a while.
And maybe it's that time that I try to push the new guy away so I can be single and miserable- but not attached and broken like last time.

He is terrifying.
He knows the right things to say. The right things to do. The right things to suggest.
When I say I'm in a mood or I'm unhappy he immediately says "What can I do? I just want to help."

I don't get it, and I'm not used to it.
I have dealt with my issues on my own, even when I was with Nate, and I've never needed anyone else to take care of me.

Regardless.
I'm feeling ambivalent.
I'm feeling without direction and without goals, because I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing with my life.

The only thing I've ever been good at, and excelled at, was music.
So, I figured music was where I was supposed to be.

This is all hitting me like a freight train because I emailed the music ed advisor, and he basically told me to gtfo, and I could never student teach.
So I emailed my lawyer, asking what I was supposed to do.
Afterall, I gave him $1500 of my Jordan money.
And didn't see results.
Dick.

I'm just feeling angry.
And it's anger that hurts my stomach, and makes it hard to concentrate.
And I don't know what to do about it.

It's fear.
Fear that I have no direction or set of aspirations and goals- because everytime I create a goal, something tears it away from me.

So. I want to play music.
I've never really wanted to teach.
I just want to play.

But I also want to prove people wrong.
I want to be certified to teach just so I can say "FUCK YOU, I'M CERTIFIED AND YOU COULDN'T STOP ME"

Performance degree and praxis? I think so.

He kissed me.
It was adorable. :)

It's all there, man. The yearning, the suffering. A woman you'll pursue through blizzards, across continents. A love so real even after you're dead it still hurts. That's all l want.
--Must Love Dogs

I told him he looks sexy in his skates.
Who says that shit?

lol

me: i'm just a little bruised, is all. A little damaged.
him: bruises heal.

Jury is still out on whether or not this could go somewhere, but for now, it's real fun.

that boy might be turning out to be pretty okay.
and if nothing else, i'll have a new friend out of our incessant texting.

in other news, i'm going home this weekend and I'm really excited about it.
i'm stoked to hang out with my nieces and nephew and finally be at my nephew's birthday.
I better start thinking about a present...

then next weekend, i might be journeying to KC again (or StL... jury's still out) for a Reel Big Fish show. :)
I have yet to see them live and now that they're in my top 5 favorite bands, it's high time i go.
Plus, it's for Rachel's birthday, and that's a bigger plus.

And YAY I can watch The Walking Dead on amctv.com which is SO exciting.
I thought I was going to miss out on the whole series because we don't have tv.

So, for tonight, I think I'll watch Eternal Sunshine and go to sleep early(ish).

:)

1. I'm counting the eggs before they're even laid.

2. I'm smashing all the eggs before I can sell them.

This doesn't make sense to anyone but me right now..
But basically.
This crush.. I'm assuming it's going to go somewhere, when it probably won't.
But I'm also destroying all my chances before they even come about... mentally destroying, of course.

I flirt and I have a good time.
That's what it was supposed to be.

But now he's going on a business trip for a few days and I'm going to be bummed when he's not at practice.
HE is bummed he won't be at practice... he went out for some Old Chicago with Carrie and I because he "won't be at practice for a while" and wanted to hang out.

Tonight I was supposed to go to the corn maze with Hodges, and he said he wanted to go, too... But Hodges bailed, so I did laundry and he packed for his trip.
However, he mentioned he might go to the haunted house this weekend.
I said I'd never been, he told me that I could go any day.
I told him my friends are weenies and won't go with me.
He said he'd go with me....

He called me awesome.
And I made him smile... which is a feat all on its own.

I am counting the damn chickens before they hatch.
But then I get scared about it all, because it could be really bad if anything DID happen, and then ended badly.

PLUS. I am mostly scared that I'm not ready for anything since I'm still a little hung up on Nate.


I am freaking out about this unnecessarily.

But dammit, he's cute.

"Do you trust me?"
"In theory."

don't hate. it's my favorite line from twilight.

I'm real stressed out. And sleep deprived.
And real emotional, apparently.

I saw some pictures on facebook of my Gramma.
Not the one that passed, but the one with Alzheimers.
What sick plan is it that the only grandparent I have left can't remember who I am.

Anyway.
They aren't new pictures, and I've seen them before... But today, they hurt a little more.

Who knows, man.
Emotions are weird.

you make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream...


yeah.
crushes are bad bad news.

I think it might be time to meet someone new.
Just meet them. Have a new dude friend I can hang out with and talk to and perhaps cuddle on occasion.

I'm still hung up on Nate, and that's okay.
But it would be nice to have some sort of male companionship.
Nothing serious. Nothing too emotional.
Just... something.
I miss that something-ness.

In other news.
DERBY.
Hometown Throwdown is Sunday.
I'm on the orange team, and I can't wait to beat some Black Team ass.

It's friend time with Hodges soon.. we both have fun stories to tell each other. And probably some beer to drink. :)

Friday is the Outland fundraiser for the team.
I'm pretty super stoked about it, since it's my favorite place ever AND I'll be with the ladies (and dudes).

Yessssss.

Alright.
I'm done.

I've recently come to the realization that I can't control anything but myself and the things I do.
It's an important lesson, even if it took 25 years and several heartbreaks.

I can't control the way my friends act.
I can't control Nate, in any facet.
I can't control deaths and births and marriages and engagements.
I can't control the fact that I have a hole in these pants.
I can't control rude teaches who don't give me my last paycheck- even 1.5 years later.
I can't control the weather or my car's behavior/noises.
I can't control awful people. Or guys at the bar who smell like a distillery, tell me I have nice skin and buy my beer. (I ran away. I didn't want him wearing said skin.)
I can't control people who respond badly when I'm nice or friendly to them. (No, crazy metal guy downtown, I don't want to make out with you because I smiled at you. And no, guys in front of the mud lounge, just because I'm walking down the street with my homegirl, does not mean I'd like to stay and chat so you can flirt in your drunken stupor.)

But I can control me, my attitudes, my habits. And it's high time I start doing just that.

Every minute is just another minute to turn it all around- and I'm choosing this one.

So, today. I slept in, watched Grey's, ate lunch (which was tasty and healthy, btw), took a shower, and now I'm going to work.
Then after work, I'll be at Ziggie's for several hours catching up on the homework I didn't do during my awesome fall break.

I might be sad/angry/mopey, and I might not be able to control how I feel... but someday that will pass.


...this too shall pass.

Another angry letter.

Listen, you stupid faggot.

Yes. I'm still in love with you.
Yes. It still pisses me off to see old pictures of you with another girl. (Not new pictures, because let's be honest- you broke up with me because your fraternity brothers didn't like the fact that I'm responsible and want you to graduate someday.)
Yes. Every time I see your car, I want to key it. And smash the windows. And set it on fire.
Yes. I want to stab you in the neck.

And yes. I'm still in love with you.
And yes. I fucking hate it.

I have reached this point where I am perfectly happy about where I am in life. Things might be shitty from time to time but I get by. Because that's what I do.
But I'm happy. I've come to the realization that if I have to buy a house by myself, I'll do it. I'll get a puppy. I'll pay my bills with my money and everything will be fine. Because everything IS fine.

But I would still rather be with you.
You have been the only person EVER to make me feel like I could build a life and a future with someone.
That I could get married and have babies and fold laundry on Saturday afternoon.

Literally the only person ever.

I didn't want shit before I met you.
I wanted to graduate and get a job and buy a house and have a place of my own.
And then there was you.
And now everytime I see a pregnant lady my age, my uterus skips a beat.
I wanted that with YOU. Not with someone else.

I can't fault you for being younger than me.
But I can fault you for giving me up so easily.

I'm angry.
In general, I'm very angry right now.
And it has to do with the fact that all the people I love in this world leave.
The die or they give up or they can't handle me and then they're gone.

I was really hoping you'd prove me wrong.
But you didn't.
And now I'm angry.



...that's all i've got tonight. I'm exhausted and lonely and angry.
And I miss you and your idiocy.

Nothing feels better than skating and hitting and falling and getting back up.

I'd like to say that life is like that...
And it is. But the more life punches me in the face, the more I want to skate.

So. Fuck off, life, because I have something new.

Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve; it's life, it's loss, it's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad, the thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive - by remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way, so the best we can do - the best anyone can do - is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief, is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes and let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away.

-Grey's Anatomy.

I'm a real sad panda.
But I won't say it out loud.

Two funerals were too much.
Seeing my dad cry for the second and third time in my whole life was too much.
Helping my sister in law pick out flowers for my gramma's casket... too much.
(Knowing my sister in law knew my grandmother better than me is almost too much.)
Being the only one in my family who cracks inappropriate jokes at funerals is... awkward. (I think my family secretly appreciates that I will openly say while sobbing "I hate that stupid jacket you buried gramma in." ...it made them all laugh.)
Still being broken over Nate is too much.. especially when dealing with funerals.

I'm just hurty.. and if it weren't for derby and my crazy derby family... I would be a hot mess. Even more than I usually am.

Today was the perfect kind of day.
I slept in, hung out with Amy and Ellen, watched movies, chatted did a bit of homework, skated twice, bought pumpkins to carve and cupcake supplies... but never got around to it, because we had too much fun.
It's just my kind of day.
I had to bail on plans with another derby girl because, well... I don't think things like Oktoberfest are my scene anymore.
I need to get out of college and stop self medicating with booze and dicking around on the internet.
I want a real job.
I want a real relationship.

Amy's ex has been trying to get in touch with her lately.
I wish I had better advice for her.. but I don't. Because I'm still a mess in that area of life.
I'd like to say that if Nate called me right now and asked to get coffee, I'd go.
But I don't know if I would.
I'm sure some Freudian part of me is avoiding the stuff transfer, because that will mean it's over.
I logically know that Nate needs to do a bit of growing up, and getting over the fraternity part of his life so he can at least get admitted into his degree program...
And I can't help with those things.
Sure. I was a killer girlfriend- I constantly told him how handsome he was, and how incredible he was and smart and talented and blah blah blah. I helped him get past his crazy insecurities and his self-confidence issues...
But the only thing he can focus on are the times where I made him "feel like absolute shit."
(Sorry, kid, sometimes you deserved it, because I felt like that a lot, and never said anything.)

I don't even really know how to feel anymore.
Not seeing him, not being around his friends.. it's great.
I like the not-talking and the not seeing him... But I know if I do see him, it's hard.
Really hard.
The last time I saw him, he was driving past me as I pulled out of the HHPA... He drove like a bat out of hell to get away from me.
I don't know what hurts worse- knowing he didn't care enough about me to fight for our relationship, or knowing, now, that he can't stand the sight of me and will go to any lengths to get away from me while on the road.

I just miss it, I guess.
The IT.
That connection. That love.

I don't need anyone to tell me I'm pretty or smart or talented, because I know I am.
I know that I'm worth it. All of it. The chase, the love, the fact that someone will fight for me.

I am perfectly aware that I am complete, whole, without someone trying to complete me.
It's boys that need to figure out I need a partner- someone to compliment me, instead of try to make me whole.
I am whole. I'm my own person. I have my own life. I don't need someone trying to complete me.

I just want someone to support and encourage me, and to remind me that yes, I am smart and pretty and awesome when I forget.
I know I can get that from family and friends.. But sometimes, I just want to be held and kissed while they reassure me.

And I really want to do that for someone else.

He broke it off right when we could've made it great.
Maybe that's what pisses me off the most.
That instead of trying to change and fix whatever he thought needed changing and fixing... he bailed.

Well.
Enough of this. I need to get some sleep, because I'm getting emotional about something that doesn't deserve my emotions anymore.

"If You Wanted A Song Written About You, All You Had To Do Was Ask"
--Mayday Parade


I'm throwing away pictures
That i never should have taken in the first place
And it's cold in my apartment
As i'm changing all the colors
From the brightest reds to grays

Well it's 3 o'clock on monday morning
I'm just hoping you're not seeing his face
I've been getting calls in these hotel rooms
Long enough to know that it was him
That took my place

And i hope this makes you happy now
That the flame we had is burning out
And i hope you like your pictures facing down
As even broken hearts may have their doubts

And i'm burning all the letters
Hoping that i might forget her and her bad taste
That she left when she was leaving me
A life of barely breathing as she walked
Out of this place

And you dropped the note and we changed key
You changed yourself and i changed me
I really didn't see us singing through this
Then you screamed the bridge
And i cried the verse
And our chorus came out unrehearsed
And you smiled the whole way through it
I guess maybe that's what's worse

And i hope this makes you happy now
That the flame we had is burning out
And i hope you like your pictures facing down
As even broken hearts may have their doubts

And i'm taking all your memories off the shelf
And i don't need you or anybody else
So take a look at me
See what you want to see
When you get home

Take me home
I'd rather die than be with you
Take me home
You have a problem with the truth
Take me home
Because this happens every time
I knew it would...
I knew it would...

Take me home
I'd rather die than be with you
Take me home
You have a problem with the truth
Take me home
Because this happens every time
And i knew it would...
I knew it would...

And i hope this makes you happy now
That the flame we had is burning out
And i hope you like your pictures facing down
As even broken hearts may have their doubts

And i'm taking all your memories off the shelf
And i don't need you or anybody else
So take a look at me
See what you want to see
When you get home

I feel different today.
I miss 'it'.
I want to be in 'it' with someone. I want that feeling again.

In other news, my shoulders hurt like a bitch from hitting.

I can't wait to outdoor skate with Amy.
The parking garage is a great idea. (thanks ted!)

I just want to get better.
I know I sucked on Thursday... but I still felt successful, you know?

It's interesting.

I think I'm sucking at school this semester..
I'm just so done.. I'm over taking classes.
Give me a job with real hours and real paychecks and benefits, and time off for derby, and I'll be a happy camper.
...I dont think my parents would like that much.... Because I would rather work at the Humane Society or a bakery than use my degree...
But hell, how are we supposed to know where life will take us?

A little emo today.. It's probably because I'm so tired.
I'm currently skipping class to take a nap, but I have so much coffee coursing through my veins that I probably couldn't sleep if I tried.

I'm pretty scared about practice tonight...
Not because I'm not fierce, because I am... but mostly because if I get hurt, I'm fucked in a lot of ways.
I won't be able to play.... and, of course, I don't have insurance.
I play like I'm scared because I know if I get hurt, it'll cost way too much to get fixed. ...And I know how fixing something feels. Recovering from my ankle surgery was not a good time.

I need insurance... I'm constantly terrified my appendix will burst, or I'll get hit by a car... or... whatever, you know?
I don't want to have to worry about this... I really wish I'd graduated on time and I had a job now.

But then again... if I had graduated on time.. where would I be now? And would I have derby? Would I have the friends I do?
Those aren't things I would be willing to compromise now, knowing all that I do now.

Hmm.
Those are my current musings.
Maybe I will try to sleep.. I need all the energy I can get for tonight....

At the request of my mother, I friended a man on facebook.
A man.
He's 33.
And has a kid.

But, damn if he's not pretty.

I'm such a grown up.

I also friended the bartender at the Outland.
Maybe I'm not such a grown up. :)

I ALSO friended Donnie, Hodges friend. No prompting or anything, but I feel like I'll be around for a while and if Hodges has this wild idea in her head that Donnie and I should date... I guess I should facebook stalk him first. (Ohhhh technology.)

Life is strange, but alright for now.

I haven't updated in a long, long time. Whoops.

Basically, here's short run down.

I passed my derby skills tests. because I'm awesome.
However, I'm pretty sure I pulled my groin... because 2 weeks later, it still hurts a bit.
BUT. I can finally skate on the vet track, and that's very very exciting.
(This means I still need to look into insurance, though, so I can skate hard...)

My Gramma passed away.
It was rough. Tiff and I had to pick out casket flowers and beg my mom not to put her in a dress we hate...
It was strange, uncharted territory...
But, my brother Jason and I seemed to get closer, which I pretty stellar, I think.

What else...
I missed a week of classes because I was home doing funeral stuffs.
I missed a test.
I had a test yesterday.
I have another Thursday.
An orchestra concert tonight.
Derby Thursday night.
Work MWFS...
Busy busy.

I still miss that retarded boy. I hate when he shows up at my bar, but it's a free country and he can do whatever he wants.
So, I dance the night away and forget he exists.

My friends have been a little strange lately...
As in, nonexistent.
All last week, I only heard from derby girls and the roommate.
And maybe it's because they don't know what to say to someone who's grieving.
But at the same time... that's stupid. Because we're adults.
So, I guess that just kind of hurt my feelings.
Even that boy texted me... but my "besties" didn't.
It just sucks, and I'm being a whiner.

Hmm.
I don't think I have anything else.
Except maybe a crush or two on some attractive men.
And let me just say, for the record, I'm glad I don't have sex.
Sometimes, yeah, it's a pain in the ass. But othertimes... I see my friends meet a guy like, twice, and then have sex with him.
I don't get that. Whatever happened to sex in relationships? Sex in marriage?
I don't know. Maybe I'm old fashioned. And that's fine too. I like who I am just fine.


And on that note... I must go shower and such for the orchestra concert tonight.
I fear my pants and shirt will be too big.
And I fear all my sore muscles will tell my black heels to go fuck themselves, because I'm so ouchie after set up and tear down of the bout, and then outdoor skating with Amy.
IcyHot? Yes. I think so.

I had a strange and sad dream.

It was after the labor day parade, and we were all camped out at my house (which, I apparently owned?).... I also had dogs.
But suddenly, Nate showed up.
But my mom announced his presence like "Melanie, you have a visitor."
He followed me around the house and made a nuisance of himself until I stopped and listened to whatever he was saying.
But then I tried to punch him in the face, and couldn't. Like, I couldn't get enough speed or oomph, and every time I tried, he just ducked away.
But then he got on his knees in front of everyone to be for forgiveness and a second chance, etc etc etc and I was so, so embarrassed.
And then I woke up.

And I was sad.
Because I can try to convince myself that I miss the "us" and I don't miss him... but that's not true yet.
I do miss the "us"... but I miss it with him.
On nights like tonight, I really just want to sit on his stupid couch and play Fable or listen to the boys banter or whatever.

I don't need that validation to know I'm pretty or awesome or fun to be around- I know that I am all of those things.
But it sure was nice to have it then.

I really want to stop writing about him and thinking about him.. .but then the sneaky bastard shows up in my dreams.

I want it to be over, but it won't be for a long, long time.

You read my emails. I know you do.

I don't understand why you'll read and save my emails, and nothing else... but then you won't respond at all.

TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON. Tell me what can do to help.
Because I want to help and I want to be there...
But if you don't help yourself first... I can't even be your friend.

The situations you put yourself in are toxic... and I've worked too hard to make my life fruitful and promising. The people and situations you allow yourself to be around are making it impossible for you to grow into the man I saw glimpses of...

I can't make you grow up- you have to realize that that fraternity is terrible for you, that you can't live in your older brother's footsteps, that your roommates are awful people who drag you down, and you need to be in a better situation.

I can't help with that.
I still love you, and I want the best for you.
But you have to want it, too.

My weekend was so jam-packed I barely had a moment to breathe.
I certainly didn't get much sleep... and I drank a lot of beer.
I wish every weekend could be this way.
I'm so so blessed to have the derby girls in my life.

Actually, I'm blessed to have all my ladies in my life.
Strong, wonderful, beautiful women.
It's just awesome to be surrounded by so much power and grace and love.
My ladies are fierce.

I wish I had more time to write, because that's all I feel like doing- camping out in my cave (see also: room), putting in a scary movie, and then just writing and reading until forever.

Speaking of reading.. I'm going to need to step it up with my homework. I really suck lately.
And I want to keep my GPA up.
I don't know what I'm doing after I graduate, but if I decide to go to Grad School, I want a good gpa.
(Even though GPAs don't matter in the real world.)

I just want to get out of college eventually.
I want a job. I want real hours and real paychecks.
I want weekends off and my evenings free.
I want a real life schedule.
I'm extremely excited about it.
So much so that everyday, I consider dropping my classes and getting a job and making money.
Because I have no motivation for classes that don't matter in my life (Because really, once I get my Ed degree, I'm outtie5k. I'm dropping Antiquities and getting out of MoState.)... And I'm so tired of my crazy schedule all the time.

Like today.
Class 11:%0 and 12:55, then work 3-7:30.
I don't even know what the hell my schedule is half the time..


Regardless.
I must leave for my stupid 3.5 hour shift...

They say, "Men hate to cry, they rarely ever do. But, when a man cries over you, you know he loves you. Because men only cry when they lost something or are afraid of losing something that they love as much or more than themselves." But he cried over me, he practically died for me, time after time after time. And he gave up. He didn't love me, he couldn't have. You don't give up on the people you love. And I think that's part of the reason why I haven't given up hope of him returning to me.
(c) xStillCaringx@xanga

Someday, I will meet someone who will play and sing me this song.
And then I will marry him.


Write You a Song - Plain White T's

I don't know how to make lots of money
I got debts that I'm trying to pay
I can't buy you nice things, like big diamond rings
But that don't mean much anyway
I can't give you the house you've been dreaming
If I could I would build it alone
I'd be out there all day, just hammering away
Make us a place of our own

I will write you a song
That's how you'll know that my love is still strong
I will write you a song
And you'll know from this song that I just can't go on without you

I don't know that I'd make a good soldier
I don't believe in being violent and cruel
I don't know how to fight, but I'll draw blood tonight
If somebody tries hurting you

I will write you a song
That's how you'll know that my love is still strong
I will write you a song
And you'll know from this song that I just can't go on without you

Now that it's out on the table (it's out on the table)
Both of us knew all along (knew all along)
I've got your loving and you've got my song

I don't know how to make lots of money
I don't know all the right things to do
I can't say where we'll go, but the one thing I know
Is how to be a good man to you
Until I die that's what I'll do

I will write you a song
That's how you'll know that my love is still strong
I will write you a song
And you'll know from this song that I just can't go on without
I will write you a song (I will write you a song)
That's how you'll know that my love is still strong (love is still strong)
I will write you a song
And you know from this song that I just can't go on without you

fuckfuckfuckfuck.

One step forward, two steps back.
I need to be busier so I can avoid moments like this when I'm sitting around waiting for a text, or an email, and being disappointed because I'm not getting either.

I need more distraction, because it's starting to get pathetic that I'm still hanging on.
I have this pathetic hope that if I just keep him in my repertoire, that he'll change his mind, and I'll be his lady again.

Which... sucks.
Because I don't even necessarily want to be HIS. He didn't know how to be a good boyfriend in the first place.
And that's what sucks about being someone's first serious girlfriend.

I'm ready for that next step in life.
For a job and for marriage and puppies...

But clearly, God thinks I'm not.
Whatever that means.

My head hurts.

Dear You,

Everytime I hear a story about you, or talk to you... I am reminded why I am still so madly in love with you. Today I heard a story about how you were a really incredible friend to someone I love dearly, and it melted my heart. Again. And I hate that so much.
I want to hate you- but I know you're not a dick. You're a decent human being, and I can bitch and complain about whatever I can think of... but you were a wonderful boyfriend, and person.

I hope you're doing okay, since you won't talk to me. I know you're sick since we chatted a little yesterday.... And I hope you get better. I really wish I could be the one to take care of you... But right now, I'm taking care of myself.

I still miss you, I still love you, I still want you.

I just need the best of you, and not the half-assed part of you.
Because I'm working on me, and someday, someone will get the best of me.
Maybe it'll be you.
And maybe it won't.

But tonight, I miss you.

Love,
Me

One of the vets told me that I've improved a lot. :D

It's Sunday. woo?
I took Ellen and Tessa to open skate last night; they had fun- of which I am glad.
Tessa was terrified, but in the end, she had fun.
They want to go again tonight- but alas, I think the skateport is closed, which sucks, because I really need to buy outdoor wheels for the parade tomorrow.

Nate's parents are in town.
His mom really would like to see me.
I find that awkward, and strange.... I hope she loves Nate as much as she loves me! haha?
Nate texted me all day yesterday, because I responded to a twitter of his....
I told him that just when I convinced myself I hated him is when he's nice to me, and throws me for a loop.
I told him I don't know how to deal with it, because it confuses me.
He said he didn't want to have that talk then.
But kept texting me about how he's sick and didn't want to sober drive etc etc etc.

Weird.

Then I had weird dreams.
Seriously weird dreams.

And now, i'm eating random things for breakfast.
And I'm still tired.

I'm kind of hoping that there's no open skate on one hand... because it's Sound of Music Sunday at Tessa's.
But on the other hand- i need outdoor skates.
I wonder if skateboard wheels work the same?
Because if so, there's a skateshop downtown that's open till 5....

hmm.
Well, more Corpse Bride, less typing.

My eating habits are shitty.
I really like soda.
And drinking, as it were.

Here's what I've done for the last like... 3 hours.

(508): Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?

‎(857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

(720): o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

(416): you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

(732): i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

(607): Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

(910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars (910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

(505): Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

(i had to make sure this one wasn't me.. i double checked the area code like, 4 times.)
(801): Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

(413): i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

(917): you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
(720): ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
(917): no it doesn't.

(978): just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

Skinny September Challenge is a go.
Today is the first day.
So, I'm weighing in at 205.
Which is, indeed, significantly less than my 235 at the beginning of the summer. But I cheated and went to dig school in the desert and lost some poundage by default.

ANYWAY.
I'm starting my day off with:
-cheerios, 1% milk.
-wheat toast, peanut butter.
-Apple Jew Tea. (ahem, kosher tea I bought in Israel.)

It's also raining.
I'm loving September already. :D

“I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when I lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other; for those were some of the best times of my life.”

Tessa posted this quote.
And I got teary eyed.
Which drives me crazy... because I want to feel like I'm making more progress than this.

I am making progress.
And I am doing well.
But that quote.... sigh.

I always get the best inspiration to write when I'm at work.
Which sucks, because I can't just stop and write at work- I'd get in trouble.

I had some of the best and beautiful thoughts... but they were so fleeting, as I cannot remember them now.

I miss writing a lot.
I miss writing poetry, and essays and letters...
Now that I have time for myself, and not to worry about someone else who can't take care of themselves, I'm going to write again.
And I'm going to be crafty again.
Because I can and I enjoy it.

I write. It's what I do.
It's one of my outlets.
And I'll be damned if I don't keep writing this time.

This time around will be different.
I am worth more than dating any random guy.
Someday, I will be treasured and cherished and loved the way I'm supposed to be.
I will meet someone who will show me how I'm supposed to be loved.

And I will still have free time to write and be crafty.
I will still have time for me, and he won't let me forget that I am important, too.

It's a dream right now. But that's fine.
I am content and I am happy as I am- without a man, and the next time, i want it to be the real time. The one time.
The infinite time.
I want an affair that could be written in the stars, that could be published in a thousand different books because our love is so perfect and beautiful.

And mostly?
I want to be fabulous and perfectly imperfect and I want to continue to love me the way I am.
With or without someone.
Because I am wonderful. And I am smart. And I am beautiful. And I am talented. And I don't need affirmation from anyone but myself.




"The King Of Wishful Thinking"
(feat. Patrick Stump of Fall Out Boy)

[From the movie "Pretty Woman"]
[Originally by Go West]

I don't need to fall at your feet
Just cause you cut me to the bone
And I won't miss the way that you kiss me
We were never carved in stone

And If I don't listen to the talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself
I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my ships not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
Because I am the king of wishful thinking
Because I am the king of wishful thinking

I refuse to give into my blues
That's not how its gonna be
And I deny the tears in my eyes
I don't wanna let you see, no

That you had made a hole in my heart
And now I've got to fool myself
I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my ships not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you

Because I am the king of wishful thinking
I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my ships not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
Because I'm the king of wishful thinking

If I don't listen to the talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself
I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my ships not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
Because I'm the king of wishful thinking
I am the king of wishful thinking
I'll get over you I know I will
You made a whole in my heart
But I won't shed a tear for you
I'll be the king of wishful thinking
(I'll be the king of wishful)

I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my hearts still beating
Cause I've got no more tears for you
I am the king of wishful thinking
(king of wishful thinking) no

Dear You,


I don't need you anymore.

I don't need you, but I want you.
I want you around still.
And I want you to want me. (Thanks, Cheap Trick.)


But I don't need you anymore.
I am happy, and I am smart and I am complete.
And I don't need you.

I used to think I needed you to get by, to survive.
But I never needed you.
You were a great help, yes.
But everything I did, I did on my own.
And could've done without you.

Christy was right- I lived 24 years without you, and I can live without you now.

So. Here's to me.
And my life.
And my future.

I'm not to the point where I can wish you luck and love and happiness- afterall, I still want to key your car everytime I see it.
But, for now, I wish you contentment and that journey of self-discovery.
And really, that's a lot.
That's me wishing YOU a lot.

But you don't know that yet.
Because you're still young. And you're still a frat boy. And you're still selfish and living off your parent's money so that you can pay your bills with their dollar and not your own.
And I can't have that anymore.
It was too much, and it was too hard- and you couldn't recognize the times when I needed a strong support versus when you thought I was being a drama queen.

So. I hope you find yourself.
And maybe I'll be lucky enough to hang out with your family again... because God knows they loved me. And I sure loved them.

I did love you.
And I still do.
I just won't say it outloud anymore.
Because you don't deserve it.
And I daresay, you never did.

Love (in secret), Me

My first day back to classes was pretty insane.
I woke up, showered, and went to the Ellis to audition for orchestra.
Then had class, class, work, class. Now I'm home, sigh!

The audition was better than expected, but I still played like I had been in the desert all summer long and not like I'd been in the practice room. haha
Which is to be expected, but whatevs- I'm going back to my home playing 4th horn. So that's sweet, I do love 4th horn.
However, I'm pretty bummed about it because I'm not sitting 2nd anymore. I'm not sitting next to RyRy.
AND I guess I'm just jealous because Staci and Deanna are both sitting ahead of me.
Staci, I think it's awesome. She kicked our asses.
But... they decided to split it differently this year, and instead of 1 and 2 playing 1 and 2 when the music calls for 2 horns, Q wants 1 and 3 to play it.
Which makes me kind of sad.
Not that I'd be playing the 2nd part anyway... but it just means Deanna is playing it. And, damnit, if that silly bitch doesn't get everything.
She didn't even know the Horn in C was in C until like, 20 minutes before her audition, which drives me CRAZY.
I transposed ALL of it and worked really hard at it.
Oh wells.
I should just be glad we have a really really killer section this year.

Class one: History of Western Philosophy
....should be very interesting. My teacher is hilarious and made penis jokes today. So that's promising.
However, everyone in my class knows everyone else and it seems I'm the odd duck out. It's going to take me out of my comfort zone, for sure, because in groups of 4, we have to facilitate the class discussion. But, it should be really interesting.

Class two: Latin.
Boring. She throws so much information out that I zoned out and stared out the window. It's my teacher from roman civ... she's so nervous when she teaches that her hands shake.
Which is fine... if you're teaching 5th graders. But not fine when you're teaching me. Because I get bored.

Work... was fine. I work with delightful people.

Then I left 10 minutes early, got taco bell and hauled ass back to campus where I had my women and religion course.
I like it a lot.
A lot a lot.
There's this group of 5 ladies who are auditing the course. They're all 60+.
They choose one class a semester to audit, then they all do it together.
I love it. It's beautiful.

Now I'm at home hoping these benadryls kick in because I have to work at 6am. Which sucks. A lot.
But hey, it's money and I'm hoping for a killer paycheck.... because I have to pay rent. harumph.
Being a grown up is no fun.

So now, I'm watching The Last Kiss and thinking of NFG lyrics that having been meaningful today...
I've been so emo... all I've wanted to do is tell Him about my day, my classes, how my audition was a let down, talk to him about how I'm worried about my mom's health and such... I just want to talk to him. Tell him how sorry I am, and how I've changed/how I'm changing, and just... be near him.
And then I start crying, because I know that can't happen, because he's changed so much for the worse, and I know I won't want to be around him without wishing he was the boy I used to know, instead of the frat boy he is now.

I don't want to hate him and I don't want him to hate me.
It just sucks. A lot.

In other news, I've been doing a lot of praying, a lot of talking to God, a lot of crying to God...
It's so strange, because I haven't been an avid pray-er in a long time.
But it feels good.
I really really want to tap into that part of me again, but I don't know how.
I don't know how to make the person I am now match the person I was or the person I would like to be.
I can't match "devout" and "bar hopper". I can't match "roller derby badass" and "church go-er."
I just don't know how to do it.

I guess first things first, I could try.

which makes me hear Yoda's voice 'do or do not, there is no try'... which makes me think of Drew and makes me mad. which... God, is there nothing sacred anymore? Everything reminds me of SOMEONE.

anyway.
tomorrow = work at 6am, intro to anthro at 9:30, greek civ at 11, orch at 3 and derby at 7. whew.
not quite as crazy as today, but close.
I need new bike tires stat so I can ride my bike instead of drive my car. I would get to class so much faster. Walking from the apartment to Strong takes like, 20 minutes. Which sucks in this heat.

yeah... I'ma go now.
reading and sleeping are calling.

Never love anybody who treats you like you're ordinary.
-Oscar Wilde.


"What do you do when someone stops loving you?"
"Well, you cry a little, and then you wait for the sun to come out. It always does."
-The Sound of Music.

I'm dying.
Last night was too much and nearly killed me.
Okay, I'm exaggerating.
But still.

I had 2 sparks and a shot of Sailor.
That damn sailor.... ALWAYS makes me sick.
And let's just be honest here, that's not even close to the most I've had to drink in one night as of late.
So, I'm really upset it got me so sick.

T: Well, what did you have to eat today?
Me: Not much.
T: Well, there you go.

I slept until almost 1pm, I'm drinking water and I ate a corndog.
I have to work at 3:30, though, so I'm really hoping to feel better STAT.

Last night was really... awkward and strange.
I have this conundrum where I really enjoy seeing people I enjoy- but in order to do that in such a social situation, I have to see people I don't enjoy/make me feel uncomfortable... Like girls who continued to text my boyfriend when he and I were together... Listen, honey, I'm not going to pretend we're friends when I actually want to punch your face in.
Sigh.

He was there, of course, where else would he be.
He had to play the role of Prizzle last night. And he sure did a great job.
He was mean and mouthy and awful and I told him so.... via text from the back of the house, because I didn't want to deal with him and his stupid fraternity friends and their fucking mouths.

I'm just so tired of being angry and bitter, and I just want him to love me and come back to me- is that too much to ask?
Ughhh, I cried last night.
I got sad drunk and it was awful.
T is a wonderful friend. I cried and said pathetic things like "I just want him to love me- why doesn't he love me?"
And she would be nice to me and empathize...

I don't know what God's plan is in this mess of a life.... but I don't get how the puzzle pieces fit together.
I know we don't see the puzzle- it's too big for us.
But it would be nice to have some sneak peeks on occasion...

Contrary to the apparent popular belief, I am not stupid.
And I do not appreciate being spoken to as such.

For now, that's all.

I can't really begin to describe how excited I am for this semester.
Everything is just... different now.
It's all new for real this time. :)

No more crazy sorority drama, no more crazy fraternity drama, no more crazy boyfriend drama.
It's just me now.
For the first time.

Wow... that's true.
For the first time, my college education is just about ME and my future.
It's not about some greek organization or a failing relationship with a guy.
It's just about my success.

That's so awesome.

(yep, just had an epiphany.)

ANYWAY.
Classes.
I'm taking:
Latin 101.
Intro to Anthro. (with Dave Byers, my field supervisor from jordan. haha)
Orchestra.
Greek Civ.

I was going to take Women In Islam with Dr Walker.... but it's on Thursday nights, and I have practice.
I might email the team to see if I can still take the class and still be on the team.
I'd rather skate than read books... but it's a subject I'm into...


well. that's enough for now. I'm STARVING.
I've been awake for 3 hours and I've only had 2 glasses of orange juice.

You went away
Cos you said that you can't stand me
So I went away
I was sure that you can't stand me
Well I don't think we have to be like this forever
Is there more to life than love and being together?
You went away
Cos you said you couldn't love me
And I went away
Cos all I do is love you
Well I don't think we have to be like this forever
There's more to life than love and being together
When my loud guitar comes in
When my thumpin' drums come through
When my loud guitar comes in
When my thumpin' drums come through
My loud guitar comes in
My thumpin' drums come through
Well I don't think we have to be like this forever
There's more to life than love and being together
There's more to life than love and being together
Is there more to life than love and being together?
I went away

You Went Away - Tegan and Sara

I'm a rookie.
A newbie. Fresh meat. One of the new girls. A trainee...

Whatever you call me, this is my 4th week of training, and I'm not on a team yet.
Recently the rooks and I realized that we won't even get to skate a bout until next season.
Almost a YEAR without skating a bout.
I guess it certainly takes some amount of pressure off....
But training straight into practice for 4-5 months with no bouts AND paying dues.
Crazy.

What's even more crazy is that I'm willing to do it.
I am willing to not skate a bout just so that someday, I can have a taste of the action.

God willing, though, after we're done training, and we've taken our skills tests, the Vets will finally consider us to be IN.
Right now, we're in this limbo where some of the vets will talk to us, and some of them won't- it's mostly "we're not getting to know you till you're in."
Which, I understand.
Let's look at this from a (god forbid) sorority stand point.
This would be seen as hazing- but why get to know girls if you don't even know they're going to get through initiation?

Derby really is a bit like greek life.
Bylaws, dues, calling each other "sisters", hazing.... (except, let's be honest here, all the real hazing we do to ourselves- we joined a sport where it's awesome to fall down because you're going balls to the wall, or get pushed down, and get quick healing injuries....)

It's interesting.
And I love it so much.

We have practice tomorrow.
I was going to buy my pads today- but unforeseen circumstances made it so I can't. Which totally blows, since it's out of my hands.
My landlord from last year STILL hasn't gotten our deposit checks to us.
$375 I could be putting to good use... skates, pads, taking my cat to have a check up, an oil change, etc....
I need that money asap.
And more importantly, I need those pads asap, because i won't be able to learn falling drills without them.

Here's hoping the check comes in soon!
And by soon I mean, yesterday.

You are a spoiled, selfish baby who knows nothing other than fraternity, band, dropping/failing classes and spending his parent's money.

When you're 19 and a college freshman, your parents tell you "don't get a credit card, it's a bad idea."
But you're 19, and therefore, know everything.
So, you get one.
Or two.
Or three.
And then you proceed to buy things, and pay the low monthly balance of $20 a month... and then you keep buying things. $100 there... $100 here... and you think it's free money.
Until you realize you're 19, stupid and in way over your head.
Sure. $1600 isn't that much in the grand scheme of credit card debt.... but when you're a sophomore in college without a job- it's a shit ton.
So, you're a junior, you live off campus, you get a job, you work, you get paychecks, you pay rent and bills and for gas and for booze... and at the end of the month you realize, oh, shit, I don't have the minimum monthly payment of a low $20 a month.
And then you miss your first payment.
So, you pay twice the amount the next month- but you don't get to eat or drive, really, because your dumb ass bought 970 pizzas (figuratively) when you were 19 because your friends were hungry and you had plastic in the form of Mastercard.

So, now you're 25.
You're looking to get a new grown up apartment.
But when you were 19, you ruined your credit.
So, you need a cosigner- but your parents are so tired of bailing you out, that they say no. HELL no- we aren't cosigning for you. They delicately remind you "We have XXXXXX amount of parent loans for you and we're not doing it anymore. Remember the last time we cosigned for you? You spent rent money on things that weren't rent, and we had to bail you out and we're not doing it again."

So, even though you're a savvy, smart, wonderful 25 year old grown up who pays her bills on time now, because you're not an idiot anymore, you're stuck.
So, you beg your landlord "No, I have a job and I work 30 hours week and I have 8,000 bucks in student loans coming in for both semesters, so I don't need a cosigner."
He obliges, because he's wonderful.

However, you studied abroad this summer.
It was wonderful, the best experience of your life.
BUT. You still owe $2,200 for your wonderful semester abroad.
You currently have $12 your mother gave you to have your car inspected.

So you apply for private loans and get denied, because your 19 year old self really needed those Victoria's Secret bras. (Nevermind that they still exist today and you can still wear them....)
So, your parents won't cosign.
So, under the direction of your mother- you ask her brother, your uncle.
But he and his wife decide no, sorry, it's not appropriate to step in where your parents wouldn't.

Back to the beginning.
You need a cosigner. You don't have one. No one will do it because you're a liability.

But wait! The winds of fate have change- your uncle WILL do it.
Unfortunately though, even his perfect credit won't get you this high security loan.
So you add Gramma's name...
But everything was in grampa's name.. and Gramma doesn't have a credit history.
So, that doesn't work.

So, you change the kind of loan you're asking for.
Still no dice.

Uncle presents three options:
Open a credit card and put the balance on the card and pay it off with your fall student loan.
Get a credit-worthy 2nd cosigner.
Call financial aid and beg them to take a large down payment and set up a payment schedule after that.

So, you try to open a credit card.
But you can't. Because you were 19 and bought sushi and jeans and didn't pay it off at the end of the month like you said you were going to.
You email financial aid because you're too much of a weenie to call because you know they'll say no. (Plus, you reason, that the woman you emailed is the VP of FinAid and she knows her stuff.)
But a 2nd cosigner? You'd have more luck designer the next space shuttle. (Which you can't do, because you're bad at math....)

So, you're here now. Wondering if you're going to get to take classes.
Wondering if you're going to have to be one of the thousands of students a year who drops out for a semester to pay for the semester previous.... and you have just one semester left.

So. now it's up to you to build your credit. With the card companies who won't give you the time of day.
Because our economy is SO good!


So. you don't give up, of course, because giving up is lame.
But you also need to evaluate your next step- because classes start in one week...

'You mean impossible.'
'No, impassable. Nothing's impossible.'
--Alice in Wonderland

I'll be honest.
I still miss my nerd.

However.
This break up has made me realize how awesome I am. (take that statement with a grain of salt- I'm going to explain.)

I am capable- something I didn't think I was because He did everything for me.
At first it was to make him feel like a big strong man... but then it was just because I actually thought I was incapable.
Let me tell you, I might not be able to fix wired-into-the-building-smoke alarms- but damnit, no one can rip it out of the ceiling like I can.
I've put together furniture, and taken apart furniture. I've moved furniture by myself. I drove a u-haul truck. I killed spiders with my hands.

I am strong.
I have weather storm after storm of life's tsunami and I've won the battle everyday. (After all- I'm awake, alive and alert, am I not? haha)
I have dealt with family ordeals. I listened to my mom talk about my grandfather today (a sore subject even 3 years after his passing) and tell me of how he wasn't Superman. (Which, hello, he was my hero. So, hearing of his faults, shortcomings and mistakes was really really hard.) I have dealt with my crazy, hormonal, pregnant sister in law, and my parents pretending I don't exist so I'll grow up and get on with life. (harsh, but necessary... and difficult when your family still calls you 'Mellie Kaye' and still calls you the 'baby of the family'. I'm 25- clearly I'm not the baby anymore....)
I've dealt with being told I can't take classes.... then, I can take classes... then I can't take classes... and on and on and on so that I've nearly become desensitized to the whole situation.
I've been told I can't have loans because my credit is too bad/not active/my credit history isn't full enough... so I got a cosigner. And then a second one... And I was told my second cosigner wasn't enough. Then I was told I applied for the wrong loan. So we fixed it. Only to be told the same crap all over again.

Even when I was WITH Him, I weather storms... storms like, lying girls who got me kicked out of my degree program and the education department... girls who made it necessary I hire a lawyer just to finish my degree.... So I started a new one.
And then I went to Jordan. And I lived through that- even with a boyfriend at home who wouldn't talk to me and treated me like I was a burden.
*Jordan was the best experience of my life thus far, and I'll be damned if anyone ever treats me like I'm a burden again, because I am worth your time and I am worth the effort and if you don't think so, too bad for you. You'll be missing out on a fierce and loyal friend who will laugh at all your jokes, even if they're dumb (because let's face it, I even love dumb humor), I will run to your rescue anytime you need it, I will give my last penny to make you cupcakes on your birthday because you are IMPORTANT to me and you deserve to know it. But I don't have to defend my friendship to any of you, because YOU are incredible people and I keep you in my life for a reason. ;D See, you help keep me strong- and I hope I do the same for you.

I joined a sport I knew nothing about aside from cinematic adventures with Drew Barrymore, I grew a pair and put on some skates and tried. I fell in love with something other than a person....(For the record, I really haven't felt this way about anything since I was in guard and wind ensemble.)
I've begun to make new friends- I prayed for incredible people and let me tell you- God did not disappoint. I am surrounded by the most amazing people. I am blessed. (And crying, just in case you're wondering! haha)
I'm all choked up writing about what a lucky girl I am.

Most of all, I am hopeful.
I was hopeful when we were together... but it was superficial. Hopeful I'd see him, talk to him, kiss him... someday marry him.
Now I'm hopeful that things will work out for me because I am honest and I work hard.
I am hopeful that with hard work, I'll get a spot on the AllStars team.
I am hopeful that I can be just as great a friend as mine are to me.
I am hopeful I'll get to hang out with my friends from home.... and I'll get to hold my new nephew soon.
I am hopeful for MY future. Not ours, but MINE. Because it's mine, not anyone else's, and if anyone is going to make anything happen- it is me.


I am proud of myself.
And I'm so happy I can say that. :)


that is all.
<3<3

I posted this as a comment on a blog about real women have curves. I'm so tired of people posting that real women have curves- leaving out the fact that there are millions of women out there who are tiny, wee little things who are shaped like boards, and therefore do not have curves. But, does that make them any less of a woman? HELL no.
So. Here's what a wrote:

I don't really even know what criteria we can establish for what a "real woman" is. Does a real woman have a full time job, or is she a stay at home mom? Is she single or attached? Gay or straight? Thin or thick? Young or old? Synthetic or flesh/bone/membrane? Does she have a god-given vagina or something created in a operating room after months/years of hormone therapy? Do real women veil because of religious belief, or do real women not give into religious hype? Do real women protest abortion clinics, or believe that abortion is for one and all?

Do you see where I'm going here? We are SO much more than our curves. We are more than how we look, what we wear, what color our hair is, our piercings and tattoos- we're women, and I think that's damn fine enough.
I think that's what we have and we should start using it to our advantage, and quite honestly, I am sick and tired of women bashing each other- shouldn't we be lifting each other up?

I recently joined a roller derby league- and I have never met a more incredible group of women. All different shapes and sizes, and different lifestyles, jobs, preferences.... See, in Derby, your size is a blessing. The way you're shaped is only helpful. And your team knows that.
Thank God for Roller Derby.

And Thank God for women. Because we are a forced to be reckoned with.

I want to let go of my anger and my hurt and my bitterness, but I don't know how to do it.
I am so tired of being hostile and scared and fragile all the time.
I want to heal and I want to get over things, but I don't know how.

The only times I don't hurt or I don't feel angry or bitter is when I'm with my girls or I'm skating.
God, I love skating.
It's saving me.
Who knew I'd find a sort of salvation with a pair of roller skates?

Dear You.

I've been having some enlightening conversations with your fraternity brothers about you. Listening to them talk makes me wonder who you've become in my absence--because it's apparently not a good sort of person.

It makes me sad. The boy I fell in love with would watch the Sandlot with me until the wee hours of the morning. He'd be excited to hold my hand, and see my face, and hear my voice. The boy I fell in love with started becoming a man in front of my eyes. The man you started to become encouraged me to run away to the desert, and pursue something I was interested in, something I actually cared about for once in a long while.
But this boy... The one you are now, the one you're becoming, is only interested in the physical aspects of women. He calls his ex girlfriend a "prude" and lies about what they did or didn't do. He makes people believe that she isn't what she IS.
This boy assumes and judges and drinks and gains beer weight and hangs out with awful people who also drink their troubles away and only bitch about their problems instead of fixing them. This boy is hateful and rude and two-faced.

You are not the boy I fell in love with. You are not the boy I wanted to spend my life with, or kiss or hold or say "goodnight handsome" to every night.
You are becoming the kind of guy who will go to a bar, and get depressed because no one hits on you, and you'll go home alone and no, you won't get laid. Because no one wants to have sex with a hateful asshole who drinks away his pain.

You are now the boy who doesn't realize how lucky he was. I wanted to give it all to you, and I'm so glad I never did. Because this would hurt all that much more.

You are becoming someone who disgusts his friends... his ex friends... all the people he's snubbed because his drinking buddies - who aren't friends, mind you- are more important than the people who would be content just to be in your presence.

And I was.
Maybe I smothered you a little- but it's because I wanted to be around you. I wanted your fun-loving hilarious personality to rub off on me- and it did. I took the best of you with me when I crossed the ocean to find myself.

You told me to go. You said it was awesome. You encouraged me when I put on my big girl panties and dealt with my life.
And while I was gone, you took for granted the amazing woman I was becoming and dismissed me for girls 5 years younger than me, just to see if they'd fuck you.

Well, congratulations, Boy. You're alone, you're unhappy and you're disgusting all of the incredible people in your life.

Love for who you used to be,
Me.

At this point, I just want to get my shit together and stop being a failure.
Is that too much to ask?

I'm a Debbie Downer today.
Thank God I'm skating tonight- I need it.

looking through old AIM conversations, messages we sent back and forth...

I've never stopped loving you.
Even after a year of not speaking.

I've always loved you.
I just wish you'd gotten your shit together long enough to love me out loud and without reservation or hesitation.

I want so desperately to get over this.

But when we have the same social circles and he shows up unexpectedly.... It's difficult.
I made my bed tonight.
My stuff smells like him.
I almost lost it.

Instead of then, I decide to lose it now... Night time is the worst. I so miss hearing "goodnight beautiful" "goodnight handsome, I'll see you in the morning." "I'll be dreaming of you until then."
Every night for a year,

And now, I'm going to sleep in this bed all alone.
And my pillows and sheets and bed all smell like him.

How does one get back to being alone and being okay?

Today is just a particularly bad day.
My birthday is coming up...
I'm going to be 25 in about 24 hours, and more than anything, I just wanted to spend it with N.
And since that's not a possibility, I probably won't celebrate it at all.
Who wants to be 25? I certainly don't.

I've been a real Debbie Downer lately, and it's because of all this.
I don't want to admit it out loud that I'm not okay, and this is way harder than expected.
I don't want to admit it, because all the strong women around me never let on that they have issues or they hurt or they're sad.

I don't know which is easier... Pretending you're fine or being a mess.

Duet - Rachael Yamagata and Ray Lamontagne

Oh Lover, hold on
'till I come back again
For these arms are growin' tired,
And my tales are wearing thin

If you're patient I will surprise,
When you wake up i'll have come

All the angerwill settle down
And we'll go do all the things we should have done

Yes I remember what we said
As we lay down to bed
I'll be here if you will only come back home

Oh lover, i'm lost
Because the road i've chosen beckens me away

Oh lover, don't you rome
Now i'm fighting words I never thought i'd say

But I remember what we said
As we lay down to bed
I'll forgive you oh
If you just come back home

Hmmm mmmm
Hmmmm mmmm

Oh lover, I'm old
You'll be out there and be thinking just of me

And I will find you down the road
And will return back home to where we're meant to be

'cause I remember what we said
As we lay down to bed
We'll be back soon as we make history.

Today I miss kissing.

Single Girls - Laura Jansen

I think you'd like my new hair
I cut it when you weren't there
that pieces of us everywhere
were falling down

My bed is now a girl's bed
Pink flowers under my head
and pillows on your side instead
of you

'Cause that's what single girls do
don't think about you

I'm reading books on meditation
Praying for my heart's salvation
I've got the motivation
to be a free girl now

I've gone drinking with the guy down the hall
put up a new color on my bare walls
I'm so damn busy
after all

'Cause that's what single girls do
don't think about you

I keep trying
I keep trying
to make my way back to the light where I belong
But God keeps lying
God keeps lying
saying this is for the best and nothing here is wrong

But I"m still thinking about you

I think you'd like my new hair
I cut it like I didn't care
that pieces of me everywhere
were falling down

One more glass of wine
before I turn off the lights
this time I'll be fine
I'll be fine
I'll be fine

This is hateful. But I am very bitter, still.

So.

Fuck all these new marriages.
Yay, I'm so happy you're starting lives blahblahblah.
But I'm not really.
Because I wanted it to be me.
I wanted to be planning my wedding- Halloween time, service a little before sunset so we can take photos with the perfect light, fall colors, knowing the perfect song to walk down the isle to, The Darkness pronouncing us husband and wife....

But I'm not.

I wanted a life with him.
And I still do.
And I want to hate him.
But I can't.
Because he has always been an incredible person, a wonderful friend and a really great boyfriend.

I can't help but feeling that I was the crazy girl in NFG's song 'my friends over you'... I was busy making plans and not talking to him about it, pretending that it was perfectly normal.

I still love him, and fucking hate it.
I HATE it.
It makes my heart hurt so much.
I want him, and he doesn't want me back.

Some things never change, I guess.

Derby.
:) Tonight was the first night. I am SO in love. I cannot wait until Thursday's practice. That is all. :) :DDDD

Friends.
My Thursday night family is comprised of the most incredible people I've ever met. (other than my besties at home- duh.) They are some of the most gracious, accepting, wonderful, giving people I've ever encountered. Seriously. I am a very lucky girl to have the people I have, and the support group and the people who actually WANT to spend time with me. That's new. People who WANT to hang out with me, they WANT me around, they WANT me to hang out on a Monday night while we do nothing, and Thursdays when we have the Detectives extravaganza. These people want me around, and shocker: I want to be around them. And that, my friends, is the most incredible of all.
I have good people in my life, and for that, I am truly blessed.

School.
Turns out, I'm going to have to drop my classes and work. Which is fine. People do that all the time.... I never thought it would happen to me, but it turns out, it did, and that's the reality. Now, I deal with it and move on. Because, that's what I do: I deal and then move on. So. I will be looking for another job that I can work full time without want to stab myself in the face.
I can't decide if I want to apply at the Humane Society and be a kennel tech... or try the cupcakery downtown.... I mean, then I wouldn't have to drive at all.
I might also go back to Second Baptist and keep playing for them. The money wasn't bad at all.
And I'll keep old navy to work during the weekends/evenings... might as well, right?
I'm just gonna be working a lot... And hopefully in the spring, I'll student teach and get out of Dodge- maybe get a TA spot doing grad work.

Him.
We've been talking a little. It's still strained and awkward... But I'm slowly realizing all the weirdo things I did and the times I was an awful person to him and of course, the fact that i smothered him. WINNER. I am a winner.
We just never quite figured it out. There was so much love and not enough reason. So, Maybe it'll work out between us someday, just not now.
And yeah, it hurts. But that's the reality of the situation. He wasn't perfect, and I wasn't perfect, and maybe someday when we both get our shit figured out, we'll can be perfect for each other. We'll see.

But for now, i'm just focusing on how I need to pay rent next week and I currently have $19.
I've been badgering my landlord from the Normal House to send me my deposit/rent... She FINALLY responded today. I guess phone calls and texts everyday is a little much and she was annoyed. YAY!
I'm working on the HHS director now... jerk.
He still hasn't paid me from last summer yet. What an ass.
Do I have to sic his band boosters on him again? Because I will. It's just a pain in the ass. I shouldn't have to go chasing people down to get paid- just be a professional, goddamnit and give me my money.
Otherwise, I will facebook stalk you and email you everyday until you do.
GAH.

shrug.
I have shit i need to figure out and it mostly has a lot to do with money.
And I guess my religion, too.
I dunno. I'm gonna let that happen on its own.

Hmmmmm..
okay bye.

The difficult thing about having other guys in my life... is when I think about waking up next to them, I still want it to be N.
And that's how I know I'm not ready for that business.

An old friend, Mike, came down to visit. My 2 best ladies and I went to Patton Alley and had a beer with him and we hung out for a bit, and then went home.
Later he started sending me text messages.
Some of them are charming and endearing and it makes me go "aww mike" and then smile like a retard girl.
But in the next minute, he'll text me "We should make out."

Nope, sorry Mike. I'm over that freshmen-year-make-out-when-we're-drunk-bullshit.
Tessa was like "Well, fuck I'll go! I'll just make him take his jean shorts off!"
I told her she should.
:)

Last night, a few of us went to MakeOut. Derek brought his friend Bylander. Who was smart, funny very very adorable AND wearing a Ramones shirt AND danced with us.
We actually talked at MakeOut. Like, real conversation.
The lean in, turn your ear to the other person kind of conversation.
Which is difficult at MakeOut.
But, we talked about his job and why his back hurt and derby... a lot about derby... and how he skates a lot and....
Yeah. :)
He was cute.
Unfortunately, he, too, just got out of an ugly relationship.

And hanging out with him would be great.
(He might come on Thursday!)
But I still don't know how I Feel about waking up next to him.

Sleeping next to N was natural. We just did it.
We cuddled or not... fell asleep... or watched a movie or talked until the wee hours...
It was just natural.

And learning how to do that with someone else isn't my cup of tea.
(I'd rather just drink tea. har har.)

Mike is still texting me.
I don't know if this is flirting or a booty call, but let's just admit it- I'm terrible at one and unwilling for the other.

Anyway.
I'm hungover and I have to go to work in 2 hours, so I better eat some carbs.
Or grease. I just got paid, I might leave early and go to Buckinghams....
God that sounds great.
It's a plan.

This blog has turned into a very himhimhimhimh blog and originally, that's what I wanted it to be.

But now, I'm over that.
Maybe I'll make another one.
Or maybe I'll keep up with this one, because it's valid, it's what I felt, it's real.
I'm not sure I want it lingering around though... Hmm...

we shall see.

It's mostly because I'm considering giving people the link.
People I trust.
People I give two shits about.

hm.
we shall see.

It still makes me sick to my stomach to think of Nate texting and talking to ...and yes, fucking flirting with other girls.

I don't care if we're not together anymore- it happened when we were together. And it makes me sick.
Because yeah, maybe he didn't fuck other girls or whatever... but I think texting other girls about getting them drunk and taking advantage of them... and making little jokes about buying a motorcycle, and offering them a ride... on the motorcycle too.
It just makes me sick.

It doesn't make me feel less of a woman. It makes me feel less attractive as a woman, and therefore somehow my stupid self-worth is connected to it.

And THAT makes me sick.
I yelled at him and called it a "class act" for talking to other girls while we were together... and I made him feel like shit, because he made ME feel like shit.

i HATE that I gave him that kind of power.

I really really don't think that he understood at ALL how much I gave to him.
It's entirely too hard for me to fall for someone in the first place because I have too many walls built up... but when I actually fall for them? Then I'm honest and I'm myself and I'm fucking vulnerable and I put myself out there...
But THEN. It ends.
And I pretend it's fine, and I'm fine and nothing bothers me, but then I cry myself to sleep and I start to feel like my self-worth is plummeting and no one will ever love me or be able to call me beautiful without thinking of HIM and no one will ever hurt me that way again.

And fuck if it doesn't happen again.

No, no, wait.

Drew hurt me. But not in the same way. It was a deep hurt- but a friend hurt. A hurt that no lover could match.

And then Nate came along and became my best friend and then we started dating because I fell in love with him.

The first time I knew I loved him and I wanted to be with him was in front of the band hall on a bench when he was trying to teach me how to play drums.
He was so funny and patient and never inferred I was stupid because I couldn't play the way he was telling me to do it.
I fell in love with him at that moment, even when I was still trying to tell myself I wasn't in love with him.
It was the way he looked at me. It was the way I felt safe with him.. the way I could say anything and make stupid jokes and he would still laugh.
But the way he looked at me... it will never be matched.

And I fell so hard. And so fast. And it terrified me so much.
I guess for good reason.

I miss him.
And I hate that I miss him.
And the way I still feel about him STILL scares me.
And being without him scares me.
In 15 minutes, we would've been together for 1 year and 2 months.

derbyderbyderbyderbyderbyderbyderbyderbyderbyderby!!!!!

:)

I can't WAIT for open recruitment :)


DERBYDERBYDERBYDERBYDERBYDERBYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

i am not suited to handle this break up anymore.

tonight, i'm all alone. i spent all day all alone.
and granted, yes, I could be out doing things....
but I'm not. I thought I would enjoy a day to just sit and hang out with myself because I'm so goddamn awesome.
but it turns out right now... the longer i sit by myself, the more time I have to think about Nate and the more my heart hurts when he no longer feels obligated to text me back.

It just sucks.
I hate being in this position.
The position where I still care and I'm still in love and I get dumped.
Especially since I came back here ready to be the best goddamn girlfriend on the face of the fucking planet.


i can't sleep.
i can't sleep without the goodnight texts, without hearing or reading "goodnight beautiful."
i can't rest well without knowing he's in my life because I am so fucking broken.
it does not help that I had to put Shaun in his place because he referred to nate and my break up as, and I quote the entire text:
"Sweet. Yep. You fell for a guy you didn't even like... learned to love him, he tossed you out like the toy store ads from last weeks news paper......."

It just set me back a few steps.
Because now I want to talk to Nate about it, but Nate doesn't give a shit.
And honestly, that second realization hurts the most.

I just want to get over it.
But so much is going on that I'm just so stressed out.
Last night I had the most disturbing dream.... my teeth rotted, turned the color and consistency of charred wood and fell out in my hands.... and all I could do was sob in the dream, and run around and try to find people to help, but no one would. I just kept holding my black wood teeth out to everyone and they were like "that's so gross!" and I would keep my mouth closed because my gums were just bare and empty and I was so embarrassed.
Then the dream turned to something else, my teeth were there again, normal teeth and we were being chased, but I was the leader and I had to protect everyone.

I'm exhausted but I can't sleep.
I'm broken and I'm trying to keep myself busy.
I just need. I need I need I need.

It should be as easy as Cheap Trick's lyrics... I want you to want me.
And then, it should be done.
And 80s movie.
80s lyrics.

I'm going to bed.

it wasn't so much the sluts that ended us.
because, really, his texting other girls was not any worse than my flirting in jordan with my teammates.

it's more that... he's 21. he's young. he needs to figure out who he is.
i get that.
i ran away to the desert to find me.
I was just hoping he could do it with me, the way I did it with him.

our break up was bizarre.
we fought and were mean to each other for a bit...
and then once the break up part was over, we hung out, we laughed, we talked more than we had in a while, fuck, we even flirted with each other. (wtf.)
And then after a few hours... we hugged and we left.
And today, we texted more than we have in weeks.

Last night, i texted him and told him that i finally started crying.
He told me almost the same thing.

If this is what's supposed to happen, if feelings change and relationships end... then why are both of us crying?

we've never been a typical couple, ever.
so, i guess I shouldn't have expected our break up to be a horrible cage fight and then, I end up hating him.

I've been advised not to hang out with him this week.
(I invited him to MakeOut with a few people and myself. He said he was into it. And he asked me to keep him posted when I go out.)
I know that if he hangs around, I won't be able to properly heal my heart... But we were friends first. And it's important to me that we stay friends.
God, as soon as we said "i think it's better that we're not together right now" everything was so much more relaxed.

Shaun told me he loved me.
He wants me to visit him in StL.
He told me today to "move on" and stop thinking about it.
I told him that it hadn't even been 10 hours since nate and i had broken up and he could go stick his head in an oven, in nicer words.

I've been talking to Drew.
But actual friend talking, which is weird, but refreshing.
He's the one who advised against hanging out with Nate socially, because he said I'd be in for some hard times if I keep Nate around.
He's probably right.
In fact, I can't remember a time during which he's been wrong when he's given me advice.
He might be a douche [see also: blunt dude.] when he gives advice, but that's okay.

And my lady friends...
Let's just say they are fucking FIERCE.
Sheila texted me today and I thought she was going to jump through the phone, possess me and go rip out Nate's jugular.
haha she makes me laugh.



So.
I'm just gonna go with it. Because that's one of the things I've picked up from playing in the dirt- go with it.

Plus, Nate needs some decent people around him.
And ever since I've come back, i've been a pretty okay person to be around.
I'm certainly not the princess I used to be.
And I like it.
I like who I am. A lot.
And if someone else doesn't, well fuck 'em. Because who I am is good enough.

No.. who I am is just perfect.
I am me. And that's great.

Tomorrow is another day.
I hope I don't wake up at 6am to a 1.3 second fire alarm that makes me want to pee my pants, and then makes me cry, because I wished N was there to fix it. [Don't worry.. i fixed it. I'm a badass.]

So.
There's that.
And it's going to be fine.