My first day back to classes was pretty insane.
I woke up, showered, and went to the Ellis to audition for orchestra.
Then had class, class, work, class. Now I'm home, sigh!

The audition was better than expected, but I still played like I had been in the desert all summer long and not like I'd been in the practice room. haha
Which is to be expected, but whatevs- I'm going back to my home playing 4th horn. So that's sweet, I do love 4th horn.
However, I'm pretty bummed about it because I'm not sitting 2nd anymore. I'm not sitting next to RyRy.
AND I guess I'm just jealous because Staci and Deanna are both sitting ahead of me.
Staci, I think it's awesome. She kicked our asses.
But... they decided to split it differently this year, and instead of 1 and 2 playing 1 and 2 when the music calls for 2 horns, Q wants 1 and 3 to play it.
Which makes me kind of sad.
Not that I'd be playing the 2nd part anyway... but it just means Deanna is playing it. And, damnit, if that silly bitch doesn't get everything.
She didn't even know the Horn in C was in C until like, 20 minutes before her audition, which drives me CRAZY.
I transposed ALL of it and worked really hard at it.
Oh wells.
I should just be glad we have a really really killer section this year.

Class one: History of Western Philosophy
....should be very interesting. My teacher is hilarious and made penis jokes today. So that's promising.
However, everyone in my class knows everyone else and it seems I'm the odd duck out. It's going to take me out of my comfort zone, for sure, because in groups of 4, we have to facilitate the class discussion. But, it should be really interesting.

Class two: Latin.
Boring. She throws so much information out that I zoned out and stared out the window. It's my teacher from roman civ... she's so nervous when she teaches that her hands shake.
Which is fine... if you're teaching 5th graders. But not fine when you're teaching me. Because I get bored.

Work... was fine. I work with delightful people.

Then I left 10 minutes early, got taco bell and hauled ass back to campus where I had my women and religion course.
I like it a lot.
A lot a lot.
There's this group of 5 ladies who are auditing the course. They're all 60+.
They choose one class a semester to audit, then they all do it together.
I love it. It's beautiful.

Now I'm at home hoping these benadryls kick in because I have to work at 6am. Which sucks. A lot.
But hey, it's money and I'm hoping for a killer paycheck.... because I have to pay rent. harumph.
Being a grown up is no fun.

So now, I'm watching The Last Kiss and thinking of NFG lyrics that having been meaningful today...
I've been so emo... all I've wanted to do is tell Him about my day, my classes, how my audition was a let down, talk to him about how I'm worried about my mom's health and such... I just want to talk to him. Tell him how sorry I am, and how I've changed/how I'm changing, and just... be near him.
And then I start crying, because I know that can't happen, because he's changed so much for the worse, and I know I won't want to be around him without wishing he was the boy I used to know, instead of the frat boy he is now.

I don't want to hate him and I don't want him to hate me.
It just sucks. A lot.

In other news, I've been doing a lot of praying, a lot of talking to God, a lot of crying to God...
It's so strange, because I haven't been an avid pray-er in a long time.
But it feels good.
I really really want to tap into that part of me again, but I don't know how.
I don't know how to make the person I am now match the person I was or the person I would like to be.
I can't match "devout" and "bar hopper". I can't match "roller derby badass" and "church go-er."
I just don't know how to do it.

I guess first things first, I could try.

which makes me hear Yoda's voice 'do or do not, there is no try'... which makes me think of Drew and makes me mad. which... God, is there nothing sacred anymore? Everything reminds me of SOMEONE.

anyway.
tomorrow = work at 6am, intro to anthro at 9:30, greek civ at 11, orch at 3 and derby at 7. whew.
not quite as crazy as today, but close.
I need new bike tires stat so I can ride my bike instead of drive my car. I would get to class so much faster. Walking from the apartment to Strong takes like, 20 minutes. Which sucks in this heat.

yeah... I'ma go now.
reading and sleeping are calling.