I'll be honest.
I still miss my nerd.

However.
This break up has made me realize how awesome I am. (take that statement with a grain of salt- I'm going to explain.)

I am capable- something I didn't think I was because He did everything for me.
At first it was to make him feel like a big strong man... but then it was just because I actually thought I was incapable.
Let me tell you, I might not be able to fix wired-into-the-building-smoke alarms- but damnit, no one can rip it out of the ceiling like I can.
I've put together furniture, and taken apart furniture. I've moved furniture by myself. I drove a u-haul truck. I killed spiders with my hands.

I am strong.
I have weather storm after storm of life's tsunami and I've won the battle everyday. (After all- I'm awake, alive and alert, am I not? haha)
I have dealt with family ordeals. I listened to my mom talk about my grandfather today (a sore subject even 3 years after his passing) and tell me of how he wasn't Superman. (Which, hello, he was my hero. So, hearing of his faults, shortcomings and mistakes was really really hard.) I have dealt with my crazy, hormonal, pregnant sister in law, and my parents pretending I don't exist so I'll grow up and get on with life. (harsh, but necessary... and difficult when your family still calls you 'Mellie Kaye' and still calls you the 'baby of the family'. I'm 25- clearly I'm not the baby anymore....)
I've dealt with being told I can't take classes.... then, I can take classes... then I can't take classes... and on and on and on so that I've nearly become desensitized to the whole situation.
I've been told I can't have loans because my credit is too bad/not active/my credit history isn't full enough... so I got a cosigner. And then a second one... And I was told my second cosigner wasn't enough. Then I was told I applied for the wrong loan. So we fixed it. Only to be told the same crap all over again.

Even when I was WITH Him, I weather storms... storms like, lying girls who got me kicked out of my degree program and the education department... girls who made it necessary I hire a lawyer just to finish my degree.... So I started a new one.
And then I went to Jordan. And I lived through that- even with a boyfriend at home who wouldn't talk to me and treated me like I was a burden.
*Jordan was the best experience of my life thus far, and I'll be damned if anyone ever treats me like I'm a burden again, because I am worth your time and I am worth the effort and if you don't think so, too bad for you. You'll be missing out on a fierce and loyal friend who will laugh at all your jokes, even if they're dumb (because let's face it, I even love dumb humor), I will run to your rescue anytime you need it, I will give my last penny to make you cupcakes on your birthday because you are IMPORTANT to me and you deserve to know it. But I don't have to defend my friendship to any of you, because YOU are incredible people and I keep you in my life for a reason. ;D See, you help keep me strong- and I hope I do the same for you.

I joined a sport I knew nothing about aside from cinematic adventures with Drew Barrymore, I grew a pair and put on some skates and tried. I fell in love with something other than a person....(For the record, I really haven't felt this way about anything since I was in guard and wind ensemble.)
I've begun to make new friends- I prayed for incredible people and let me tell you- God did not disappoint. I am surrounded by the most amazing people. I am blessed. (And crying, just in case you're wondering! haha)
I'm all choked up writing about what a lucky girl I am.

Most of all, I am hopeful.
I was hopeful when we were together... but it was superficial. Hopeful I'd see him, talk to him, kiss him... someday marry him.
Now I'm hopeful that things will work out for me because I am honest and I work hard.
I am hopeful that with hard work, I'll get a spot on the AllStars team.
I am hopeful that I can be just as great a friend as mine are to me.
I am hopeful I'll get to hang out with my friends from home.... and I'll get to hold my new nephew soon.
I am hopeful for MY future. Not ours, but MINE. Because it's mine, not anyone else's, and if anyone is going to make anything happen- it is me.


I am proud of myself.
And I'm so happy I can say that. :)


that is all.
<3<3