that boy might be turning out to be pretty okay.
and if nothing else, i'll have a new friend out of our incessant texting.
in other news, i'm going home this weekend and I'm really excited about it.
i'm stoked to hang out with my nieces and nephew and finally be at my nephew's birthday.
I better start thinking about a present...
then next weekend, i might be journeying to KC again (or StL... jury's still out) for a Reel Big Fish show. :)
I have yet to see them live and now that they're in my top 5 favorite bands, it's high time i go.
Plus, it's for Rachel's birthday, and that's a bigger plus.
And YAY I can watch The Walking Dead on amctv.com which is SO exciting.
I thought I was going to miss out on the whole series because we don't have tv.
So, for tonight, I think I'll watch Eternal Sunshine and go to sleep early(ish).
:)
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
1. I'm counting the eggs before they're even laid.
2. I'm smashing all the eggs before I can sell them.
This doesn't make sense to anyone but me right now..
But basically.
This crush.. I'm assuming it's going to go somewhere, when it probably won't.
But I'm also destroying all my chances before they even come about... mentally destroying, of course.
I flirt and I have a good time.
That's what it was supposed to be.
But now he's going on a business trip for a few days and I'm going to be bummed when he's not at practice.
HE is bummed he won't be at practice... he went out for some Old Chicago with Carrie and I because he "won't be at practice for a while" and wanted to hang out.
Tonight I was supposed to go to the corn maze with Hodges, and he said he wanted to go, too... But Hodges bailed, so I did laundry and he packed for his trip.
However, he mentioned he might go to the haunted house this weekend.
I said I'd never been, he told me that I could go any day.
I told him my friends are weenies and won't go with me.
He said he'd go with me....
He called me awesome.
And I made him smile... which is a feat all on its own.
I am counting the damn chickens before they hatch.
But then I get scared about it all, because it could be really bad if anything DID happen, and then ended badly.
PLUS. I am mostly scared that I'm not ready for anything since I'm still a little hung up on Nate.
I am freaking out about this unnecessarily.
But dammit, he's cute.
2. I'm smashing all the eggs before I can sell them.
This doesn't make sense to anyone but me right now..
But basically.
This crush.. I'm assuming it's going to go somewhere, when it probably won't.
But I'm also destroying all my chances before they even come about... mentally destroying, of course.
I flirt and I have a good time.
That's what it was supposed to be.
But now he's going on a business trip for a few days and I'm going to be bummed when he's not at practice.
HE is bummed he won't be at practice... he went out for some Old Chicago with Carrie and I because he "won't be at practice for a while" and wanted to hang out.
Tonight I was supposed to go to the corn maze with Hodges, and he said he wanted to go, too... But Hodges bailed, so I did laundry and he packed for his trip.
However, he mentioned he might go to the haunted house this weekend.
I said I'd never been, he told me that I could go any day.
I told him my friends are weenies and won't go with me.
He said he'd go with me....
He called me awesome.
And I made him smile... which is a feat all on its own.
I am counting the damn chickens before they hatch.
But then I get scared about it all, because it could be really bad if anything DID happen, and then ended badly.
PLUS. I am mostly scared that I'm not ready for anything since I'm still a little hung up on Nate.
I am freaking out about this unnecessarily.
But dammit, he's cute.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
I'm real stressed out. And sleep deprived.
And real emotional, apparently.
I saw some pictures on facebook of my Gramma.
Not the one that passed, but the one with Alzheimers.
What sick plan is it that the only grandparent I have left can't remember who I am.
Anyway.
They aren't new pictures, and I've seen them before... But today, they hurt a little more.
Who knows, man.
Emotions are weird.
And real emotional, apparently.
I saw some pictures on facebook of my Gramma.
Not the one that passed, but the one with Alzheimers.
What sick plan is it that the only grandparent I have left can't remember who I am.
Anyway.
They aren't new pictures, and I've seen them before... But today, they hurt a little more.
Who knows, man.
Emotions are weird.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
I think it might be time to meet someone new.
Just meet them. Have a new dude friend I can hang out with and talk to and perhaps cuddle on occasion.
I'm still hung up on Nate, and that's okay.
But it would be nice to have some sort of male companionship.
Nothing serious. Nothing too emotional.
Just... something.
I miss that something-ness.
In other news.
DERBY.
Hometown Throwdown is Sunday.
I'm on the orange team, and I can't wait to beat some Black Team ass.
It's friend time with Hodges soon.. we both have fun stories to tell each other. And probably some beer to drink. :)
Friday is the Outland fundraiser for the team.
I'm pretty super stoked about it, since it's my favorite place ever AND I'll be with the ladies (and dudes).
Yessssss.
Just meet them. Have a new dude friend I can hang out with and talk to and perhaps cuddle on occasion.
I'm still hung up on Nate, and that's okay.
But it would be nice to have some sort of male companionship.
Nothing serious. Nothing too emotional.
Just... something.
I miss that something-ness.
In other news.
DERBY.
Hometown Throwdown is Sunday.
I'm on the orange team, and I can't wait to beat some Black Team ass.
It's friend time with Hodges soon.. we both have fun stories to tell each other. And probably some beer to drink. :)
Friday is the Outland fundraiser for the team.
I'm pretty super stoked about it, since it's my favorite place ever AND I'll be with the ladies (and dudes).
Yessssss.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Alright.
I'm done.
I've recently come to the realization that I can't control anything but myself and the things I do.
It's an important lesson, even if it took 25 years and several heartbreaks.
I can't control the way my friends act.
I can't control Nate, in any facet.
I can't control deaths and births and marriages and engagements.
I can't control the fact that I have a hole in these pants.
I can't control rude teaches who don't give me my last paycheck- even 1.5 years later.
I can't control the weather or my car's behavior/noises.
I can't control awful people. Or guys at the bar who smell like a distillery, tell me I have nice skin and buy my beer. (I ran away. I didn't want him wearing said skin.)
I can't control people who respond badly when I'm nice or friendly to them. (No, crazy metal guy downtown, I don't want to make out with you because I smiled at you. And no, guys in front of the mud lounge, just because I'm walking down the street with my homegirl, does not mean I'd like to stay and chat so you can flirt in your drunken stupor.)
But I can control me, my attitudes, my habits. And it's high time I start doing just that.
Every minute is just another minute to turn it all around- and I'm choosing this one.
So, today. I slept in, watched Grey's, ate lunch (which was tasty and healthy, btw), took a shower, and now I'm going to work.
Then after work, I'll be at Ziggie's for several hours catching up on the homework I didn't do during my awesome fall break.
I might be sad/angry/mopey, and I might not be able to control how I feel... but someday that will pass.
...this too shall pass.
I'm done.
I've recently come to the realization that I can't control anything but myself and the things I do.
It's an important lesson, even if it took 25 years and several heartbreaks.
I can't control the way my friends act.
I can't control Nate, in any facet.
I can't control deaths and births and marriages and engagements.
I can't control the fact that I have a hole in these pants.
I can't control rude teaches who don't give me my last paycheck- even 1.5 years later.
I can't control the weather or my car's behavior/noises.
I can't control awful people. Or guys at the bar who smell like a distillery, tell me I have nice skin and buy my beer. (I ran away. I didn't want him wearing said skin.)
I can't control people who respond badly when I'm nice or friendly to them. (No, crazy metal guy downtown, I don't want to make out with you because I smiled at you. And no, guys in front of the mud lounge, just because I'm walking down the street with my homegirl, does not mean I'd like to stay and chat so you can flirt in your drunken stupor.)
But I can control me, my attitudes, my habits. And it's high time I start doing just that.
Every minute is just another minute to turn it all around- and I'm choosing this one.
So, today. I slept in, watched Grey's, ate lunch (which was tasty and healthy, btw), took a shower, and now I'm going to work.
Then after work, I'll be at Ziggie's for several hours catching up on the homework I didn't do during my awesome fall break.
I might be sad/angry/mopey, and I might not be able to control how I feel... but someday that will pass.
...this too shall pass.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Another angry letter.
Listen, you stupid faggot.
Yes. I'm still in love with you.
Yes. It still pisses me off to see old pictures of you with another girl. (Not new pictures, because let's be honest- you broke up with me because your fraternity brothers didn't like the fact that I'm responsible and want you to graduate someday.)
Yes. Every time I see your car, I want to key it. And smash the windows. And set it on fire.
Yes. I want to stab you in the neck.
And yes. I'm still in love with you.
And yes. I fucking hate it.
I have reached this point where I am perfectly happy about where I am in life. Things might be shitty from time to time but I get by. Because that's what I do.
But I'm happy. I've come to the realization that if I have to buy a house by myself, I'll do it. I'll get a puppy. I'll pay my bills with my money and everything will be fine. Because everything IS fine.
But I would still rather be with you.
You have been the only person EVER to make me feel like I could build a life and a future with someone.
That I could get married and have babies and fold laundry on Saturday afternoon.
Literally the only person ever.
I didn't want shit before I met you.
I wanted to graduate and get a job and buy a house and have a place of my own.
And then there was you.
And now everytime I see a pregnant lady my age, my uterus skips a beat.
I wanted that with YOU. Not with someone else.
I can't fault you for being younger than me.
But I can fault you for giving me up so easily.
I'm angry.
In general, I'm very angry right now.
And it has to do with the fact that all the people I love in this world leave.
The die or they give up or they can't handle me and then they're gone.
I was really hoping you'd prove me wrong.
But you didn't.
And now I'm angry.
...that's all i've got tonight. I'm exhausted and lonely and angry.
And I miss you and your idiocy.
Yes. I'm still in love with you.
Yes. It still pisses me off to see old pictures of you with another girl. (Not new pictures, because let's be honest- you broke up with me because your fraternity brothers didn't like the fact that I'm responsible and want you to graduate someday.)
Yes. Every time I see your car, I want to key it. And smash the windows. And set it on fire.
Yes. I want to stab you in the neck.
And yes. I'm still in love with you.
And yes. I fucking hate it.
I have reached this point where I am perfectly happy about where I am in life. Things might be shitty from time to time but I get by. Because that's what I do.
But I'm happy. I've come to the realization that if I have to buy a house by myself, I'll do it. I'll get a puppy. I'll pay my bills with my money and everything will be fine. Because everything IS fine.
But I would still rather be with you.
You have been the only person EVER to make me feel like I could build a life and a future with someone.
That I could get married and have babies and fold laundry on Saturday afternoon.
Literally the only person ever.
I didn't want shit before I met you.
I wanted to graduate and get a job and buy a house and have a place of my own.
And then there was you.
And now everytime I see a pregnant lady my age, my uterus skips a beat.
I wanted that with YOU. Not with someone else.
I can't fault you for being younger than me.
But I can fault you for giving me up so easily.
I'm angry.
In general, I'm very angry right now.
And it has to do with the fact that all the people I love in this world leave.
The die or they give up or they can't handle me and then they're gone.
I was really hoping you'd prove me wrong.
But you didn't.
And now I'm angry.
...that's all i've got tonight. I'm exhausted and lonely and angry.
And I miss you and your idiocy.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve; it's life, it's loss, it's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad, the thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive - by remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way, so the best we can do - the best anyone can do - is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief, is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes and let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away.
-Grey's Anatomy.
-Grey's Anatomy.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
I'm a real sad panda.
But I won't say it out loud.
Two funerals were too much.
Seeing my dad cry for the second and third time in my whole life was too much.
Helping my sister in law pick out flowers for my gramma's casket... too much.
(Knowing my sister in law knew my grandmother better than me is almost too much.)
Being the only one in my family who cracks inappropriate jokes at funerals is... awkward. (I think my family secretly appreciates that I will openly say while sobbing "I hate that stupid jacket you buried gramma in." ...it made them all laugh.)
Still being broken over Nate is too much.. especially when dealing with funerals.
I'm just hurty.. and if it weren't for derby and my crazy derby family... I would be a hot mess. Even more than I usually am.
Today was the perfect kind of day.
I slept in, hung out with Amy and Ellen, watched movies, chatted did a bit of homework, skated twice, bought pumpkins to carve and cupcake supplies... but never got around to it, because we had too much fun.
It's just my kind of day.
I had to bail on plans with another derby girl because, well... I don't think things like Oktoberfest are my scene anymore.
I need to get out of college and stop self medicating with booze and dicking around on the internet.
I want a real job.
I want a real relationship.
Amy's ex has been trying to get in touch with her lately.
I wish I had better advice for her.. but I don't. Because I'm still a mess in that area of life.
I'd like to say that if Nate called me right now and asked to get coffee, I'd go.
But I don't know if I would.
I'm sure some Freudian part of me is avoiding the stuff transfer, because that will mean it's over.
I logically know that Nate needs to do a bit of growing up, and getting over the fraternity part of his life so he can at least get admitted into his degree program...
And I can't help with those things.
Sure. I was a killer girlfriend- I constantly told him how handsome he was, and how incredible he was and smart and talented and blah blah blah. I helped him get past his crazy insecurities and his self-confidence issues...
But the only thing he can focus on are the times where I made him "feel like absolute shit."
(Sorry, kid, sometimes you deserved it, because I felt like that a lot, and never said anything.)
I don't even really know how to feel anymore.
Not seeing him, not being around his friends.. it's great.
I like the not-talking and the not seeing him... But I know if I do see him, it's hard.
Really hard.
The last time I saw him, he was driving past me as I pulled out of the HHPA... He drove like a bat out of hell to get away from me.
I don't know what hurts worse- knowing he didn't care enough about me to fight for our relationship, or knowing, now, that he can't stand the sight of me and will go to any lengths to get away from me while on the road.
I just miss it, I guess.
The IT.
That connection. That love.
I don't need anyone to tell me I'm pretty or smart or talented, because I know I am.
I know that I'm worth it. All of it. The chase, the love, the fact that someone will fight for me.
I am perfectly aware that I am complete, whole, without someone trying to complete me.
It's boys that need to figure out I need a partner- someone to compliment me, instead of try to make me whole.
I am whole. I'm my own person. I have my own life. I don't need someone trying to complete me.
I just want someone to support and encourage me, and to remind me that yes, I am smart and pretty and awesome when I forget.
I know I can get that from family and friends.. But sometimes, I just want to be held and kissed while they reassure me.
And I really want to do that for someone else.
He broke it off right when we could've made it great.
Maybe that's what pisses me off the most.
That instead of trying to change and fix whatever he thought needed changing and fixing... he bailed.
Well.
Enough of this. I need to get some sleep, because I'm getting emotional about something that doesn't deserve my emotions anymore.
But I won't say it out loud.
Two funerals were too much.
Seeing my dad cry for the second and third time in my whole life was too much.
Helping my sister in law pick out flowers for my gramma's casket... too much.
(Knowing my sister in law knew my grandmother better than me is almost too much.)
Being the only one in my family who cracks inappropriate jokes at funerals is... awkward. (I think my family secretly appreciates that I will openly say while sobbing "I hate that stupid jacket you buried gramma in." ...it made them all laugh.)
Still being broken over Nate is too much.. especially when dealing with funerals.
I'm just hurty.. and if it weren't for derby and my crazy derby family... I would be a hot mess. Even more than I usually am.
Today was the perfect kind of day.
I slept in, hung out with Amy and Ellen, watched movies, chatted did a bit of homework, skated twice, bought pumpkins to carve and cupcake supplies... but never got around to it, because we had too much fun.
It's just my kind of day.
I had to bail on plans with another derby girl because, well... I don't think things like Oktoberfest are my scene anymore.
I need to get out of college and stop self medicating with booze and dicking around on the internet.
I want a real job.
I want a real relationship.
Amy's ex has been trying to get in touch with her lately.
I wish I had better advice for her.. but I don't. Because I'm still a mess in that area of life.
I'd like to say that if Nate called me right now and asked to get coffee, I'd go.
But I don't know if I would.
I'm sure some Freudian part of me is avoiding the stuff transfer, because that will mean it's over.
I logically know that Nate needs to do a bit of growing up, and getting over the fraternity part of his life so he can at least get admitted into his degree program...
And I can't help with those things.
Sure. I was a killer girlfriend- I constantly told him how handsome he was, and how incredible he was and smart and talented and blah blah blah. I helped him get past his crazy insecurities and his self-confidence issues...
But the only thing he can focus on are the times where I made him "feel like absolute shit."
(Sorry, kid, sometimes you deserved it, because I felt like that a lot, and never said anything.)
I don't even really know how to feel anymore.
Not seeing him, not being around his friends.. it's great.
I like the not-talking and the not seeing him... But I know if I do see him, it's hard.
Really hard.
The last time I saw him, he was driving past me as I pulled out of the HHPA... He drove like a bat out of hell to get away from me.
I don't know what hurts worse- knowing he didn't care enough about me to fight for our relationship, or knowing, now, that he can't stand the sight of me and will go to any lengths to get away from me while on the road.
I just miss it, I guess.
The IT.
That connection. That love.
I don't need anyone to tell me I'm pretty or smart or talented, because I know I am.
I know that I'm worth it. All of it. The chase, the love, the fact that someone will fight for me.
I am perfectly aware that I am complete, whole, without someone trying to complete me.
It's boys that need to figure out I need a partner- someone to compliment me, instead of try to make me whole.
I am whole. I'm my own person. I have my own life. I don't need someone trying to complete me.
I just want someone to support and encourage me, and to remind me that yes, I am smart and pretty and awesome when I forget.
I know I can get that from family and friends.. But sometimes, I just want to be held and kissed while they reassure me.
And I really want to do that for someone else.
He broke it off right when we could've made it great.
Maybe that's what pisses me off the most.
That instead of trying to change and fix whatever he thought needed changing and fixing... he bailed.
Well.
Enough of this. I need to get some sleep, because I'm getting emotional about something that doesn't deserve my emotions anymore.
Monday, October 4, 2010
"If You Wanted A Song Written About You, All You Had To Do Was Ask"
--Mayday Parade
I'm throwing away pictures
That i never should have taken in the first place
And it's cold in my apartment
As i'm changing all the colors
From the brightest reds to grays
Well it's 3 o'clock on monday morning
I'm just hoping you're not seeing his face
I've been getting calls in these hotel rooms
Long enough to know that it was him
That took my place
And i hope this makes you happy now
That the flame we had is burning out
And i hope you like your pictures facing down
As even broken hearts may have their doubts
And i'm burning all the letters
Hoping that i might forget her and her bad taste
That she left when she was leaving me
A life of barely breathing as she walked
Out of this place
And you dropped the note and we changed key
You changed yourself and i changed me
I really didn't see us singing through this
Then you screamed the bridge
And i cried the verse
And our chorus came out unrehearsed
And you smiled the whole way through it
I guess maybe that's what's worse
And i hope this makes you happy now
That the flame we had is burning out
And i hope you like your pictures facing down
As even broken hearts may have their doubts
And i'm taking all your memories off the shelf
And i don't need you or anybody else
So take a look at me
See what you want to see
When you get home
Take me home
I'd rather die than be with you
Take me home
You have a problem with the truth
Take me home
Because this happens every time
I knew it would...
I knew it would...
Take me home
I'd rather die than be with you
Take me home
You have a problem with the truth
Take me home
Because this happens every time
And i knew it would...
I knew it would...
And i hope this makes you happy now
That the flame we had is burning out
And i hope you like your pictures facing down
As even broken hearts may have their doubts
And i'm taking all your memories off the shelf
And i don't need you or anybody else
So take a look at me
See what you want to see
When you get home
--Mayday Parade
I'm throwing away pictures
That i never should have taken in the first place
And it's cold in my apartment
As i'm changing all the colors
From the brightest reds to grays
Well it's 3 o'clock on monday morning
I'm just hoping you're not seeing his face
I've been getting calls in these hotel rooms
Long enough to know that it was him
That took my place
And i hope this makes you happy now
That the flame we had is burning out
And i hope you like your pictures facing down
As even broken hearts may have their doubts
And i'm burning all the letters
Hoping that i might forget her and her bad taste
That she left when she was leaving me
A life of barely breathing as she walked
Out of this place
And you dropped the note and we changed key
You changed yourself and i changed me
I really didn't see us singing through this
Then you screamed the bridge
And i cried the verse
And our chorus came out unrehearsed
And you smiled the whole way through it
I guess maybe that's what's worse
And i hope this makes you happy now
That the flame we had is burning out
And i hope you like your pictures facing down
As even broken hearts may have their doubts
And i'm taking all your memories off the shelf
And i don't need you or anybody else
So take a look at me
See what you want to see
When you get home
Take me home
I'd rather die than be with you
Take me home
You have a problem with the truth
Take me home
Because this happens every time
I knew it would...
I knew it would...
Take me home
I'd rather die than be with you
Take me home
You have a problem with the truth
Take me home
Because this happens every time
And i knew it would...
I knew it would...
And i hope this makes you happy now
That the flame we had is burning out
And i hope you like your pictures facing down
As even broken hearts may have their doubts
And i'm taking all your memories off the shelf
And i don't need you or anybody else
So take a look at me
See what you want to see
When you get home
Saturday, October 2, 2010
I feel different today.
I miss 'it'.
I want to be in 'it' with someone. I want that feeling again.
In other news, my shoulders hurt like a bitch from hitting.
I can't wait to outdoor skate with Amy.
The parking garage is a great idea. (thanks ted!)
I just want to get better.
I know I sucked on Thursday... but I still felt successful, you know?
It's interesting.
I think I'm sucking at school this semester..
I'm just so done.. I'm over taking classes.
Give me a job with real hours and real paychecks and benefits, and time off for derby, and I'll be a happy camper.
...I dont think my parents would like that much.... Because I would rather work at the Humane Society or a bakery than use my degree...
But hell, how are we supposed to know where life will take us?
I miss 'it'.
I want to be in 'it' with someone. I want that feeling again.
In other news, my shoulders hurt like a bitch from hitting.
I can't wait to outdoor skate with Amy.
The parking garage is a great idea. (thanks ted!)
I just want to get better.
I know I sucked on Thursday... but I still felt successful, you know?
It's interesting.
I think I'm sucking at school this semester..
I'm just so done.. I'm over taking classes.
Give me a job with real hours and real paychecks and benefits, and time off for derby, and I'll be a happy camper.
...I dont think my parents would like that much.... Because I would rather work at the Humane Society or a bakery than use my degree...
But hell, how are we supposed to know where life will take us?
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