I want it.
I want that.. electric feeling when I think of him, or when he touches me or kisses me.
I want that fire in my heart.
I want IT again with someone.

I had it with him.
I saw our future- he constantly brought it up in conversation, so i couldn't help but see it, or think about it.
When you say you're saving for a ring, and you talk about wedding plans, and our families couldn't be happier...
He was the only one who made me think about marriage and babies and white picket fences- while still thinking about my career and my schooling.
Such a conflict of interests.. but it worked.

I think the reason that I'm having a hard time letting go is remembering shit.
It's so lame, but watching Save the Last Dance, Derek asks Sarah "what do you want?" (as in, does she still want to dance?)
Nate was like that.
And now, I have to ask myself, because I don't have someone watching over me, reminding me that I get carried away in the mundane and forget about my passions.

Thinking about those kinds of things made me remember when we would snuggle on the couch and plan the house we were going to build together.
We always planned these elaborate giant music studios. His being full of drums and drummy equipment... Mine being sound proof and acoustically sound for my horn playing..

It's the little memories now that sneak up on me.

I'm healing, I'm moving on.
But those moments sneak up on me.

It's getting better.

An apology.
I got an apology.
Not for breaking me and making me damaged goods, and no explanation for what happened...
But an apology for acting like a child and being an asshole.

I wish it didn't make me feel the way it does.
Just a text from him makes my heart stop.

I loved him.
I still love him.
He's going to be that piece of me that I never get back, probably forever.

I'm in a mood.
He asked what kind.
I said "ambivalent."
Because I am.

Adj. 1. ambivalent - uncertain or unable to decide about what course to follow

I've been in this mood for a while.
And maybe it's that time that I try to push the new guy away so I can be single and miserable- but not attached and broken like last time.

He is terrifying.
He knows the right things to say. The right things to do. The right things to suggest.
When I say I'm in a mood or I'm unhappy he immediately says "What can I do? I just want to help."

I don't get it, and I'm not used to it.
I have dealt with my issues on my own, even when I was with Nate, and I've never needed anyone else to take care of me.

Regardless.
I'm feeling ambivalent.
I'm feeling without direction and without goals, because I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing with my life.

The only thing I've ever been good at, and excelled at, was music.
So, I figured music was where I was supposed to be.

This is all hitting me like a freight train because I emailed the music ed advisor, and he basically told me to gtfo, and I could never student teach.
So I emailed my lawyer, asking what I was supposed to do.
Afterall, I gave him $1500 of my Jordan money.
And didn't see results.
Dick.

I'm just feeling angry.
And it's anger that hurts my stomach, and makes it hard to concentrate.
And I don't know what to do about it.

It's fear.
Fear that I have no direction or set of aspirations and goals- because everytime I create a goal, something tears it away from me.

So. I want to play music.
I've never really wanted to teach.
I just want to play.

But I also want to prove people wrong.
I want to be certified to teach just so I can say "FUCK YOU, I'M CERTIFIED AND YOU COULDN'T STOP ME"

Performance degree and praxis? I think so.

He kissed me.
It was adorable. :)

It's all there, man. The yearning, the suffering. A woman you'll pursue through blizzards, across continents. A love so real even after you're dead it still hurts. That's all l want.
--Must Love Dogs

I told him he looks sexy in his skates.
Who says that shit?

lol

me: i'm just a little bruised, is all. A little damaged.
him: bruises heal.

Jury is still out on whether or not this could go somewhere, but for now, it's real fun.