I'm in a mood.
He asked what kind.
I said "ambivalent."
Because I am.

Adj. 1. ambivalent - uncertain or unable to decide about what course to follow

I've been in this mood for a while.
And maybe it's that time that I try to push the new guy away so I can be single and miserable- but not attached and broken like last time.

He is terrifying.
He knows the right things to say. The right things to do. The right things to suggest.
When I say I'm in a mood or I'm unhappy he immediately says "What can I do? I just want to help."

I don't get it, and I'm not used to it.
I have dealt with my issues on my own, even when I was with Nate, and I've never needed anyone else to take care of me.

Regardless.
I'm feeling ambivalent.
I'm feeling without direction and without goals, because I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing with my life.

The only thing I've ever been good at, and excelled at, was music.
So, I figured music was where I was supposed to be.

This is all hitting me like a freight train because I emailed the music ed advisor, and he basically told me to gtfo, and I could never student teach.
So I emailed my lawyer, asking what I was supposed to do.
Afterall, I gave him $1500 of my Jordan money.
And didn't see results.
Dick.

I'm just feeling angry.
And it's anger that hurts my stomach, and makes it hard to concentrate.
And I don't know what to do about it.

It's fear.
Fear that I have no direction or set of aspirations and goals- because everytime I create a goal, something tears it away from me.

So. I want to play music.
I've never really wanted to teach.
I just want to play.

But I also want to prove people wrong.
I want to be certified to teach just so I can say "FUCK YOU, I'M CERTIFIED AND YOU COULDN'T STOP ME"

Performance degree and praxis? I think so.