A little emo today.. It's probably because I'm so tired.
I'm currently skipping class to take a nap, but I have so much coffee coursing through my veins that I probably couldn't sleep if I tried.

I'm pretty scared about practice tonight...
Not because I'm not fierce, because I am... but mostly because if I get hurt, I'm fucked in a lot of ways.
I won't be able to play.... and, of course, I don't have insurance.
I play like I'm scared because I know if I get hurt, it'll cost way too much to get fixed. ...And I know how fixing something feels. Recovering from my ankle surgery was not a good time.

I need insurance... I'm constantly terrified my appendix will burst, or I'll get hit by a car... or... whatever, you know?
I don't want to have to worry about this... I really wish I'd graduated on time and I had a job now.

But then again... if I had graduated on time.. where would I be now? And would I have derby? Would I have the friends I do?
Those aren't things I would be willing to compromise now, knowing all that I do now.

Hmm.
Those are my current musings.
Maybe I will try to sleep.. I need all the energy I can get for tonight....

At the request of my mother, I friended a man on facebook.
A man.
He's 33.
And has a kid.

But, damn if he's not pretty.

I'm such a grown up.

I also friended the bartender at the Outland.
Maybe I'm not such a grown up. :)

I ALSO friended Donnie, Hodges friend. No prompting or anything, but I feel like I'll be around for a while and if Hodges has this wild idea in her head that Donnie and I should date... I guess I should facebook stalk him first. (Ohhhh technology.)

Life is strange, but alright for now.

I haven't updated in a long, long time. Whoops.

Basically, here's short run down.

I passed my derby skills tests. because I'm awesome.
However, I'm pretty sure I pulled my groin... because 2 weeks later, it still hurts a bit.
BUT. I can finally skate on the vet track, and that's very very exciting.
(This means I still need to look into insurance, though, so I can skate hard...)

My Gramma passed away.
It was rough. Tiff and I had to pick out casket flowers and beg my mom not to put her in a dress we hate...
It was strange, uncharted territory...
But, my brother Jason and I seemed to get closer, which I pretty stellar, I think.

What else...
I missed a week of classes because I was home doing funeral stuffs.
I missed a test.
I had a test yesterday.
I have another Thursday.
An orchestra concert tonight.
Derby Thursday night.
Work MWFS...
Busy busy.

I still miss that retarded boy. I hate when he shows up at my bar, but it's a free country and he can do whatever he wants.
So, I dance the night away and forget he exists.

My friends have been a little strange lately...
As in, nonexistent.
All last week, I only heard from derby girls and the roommate.
And maybe it's because they don't know what to say to someone who's grieving.
But at the same time... that's stupid. Because we're adults.
So, I guess that just kind of hurt my feelings.
Even that boy texted me... but my "besties" didn't.
It just sucks, and I'm being a whiner.

Hmm.
I don't think I have anything else.
Except maybe a crush or two on some attractive men.
And let me just say, for the record, I'm glad I don't have sex.
Sometimes, yeah, it's a pain in the ass. But othertimes... I see my friends meet a guy like, twice, and then have sex with him.
I don't get that. Whatever happened to sex in relationships? Sex in marriage?
I don't know. Maybe I'm old fashioned. And that's fine too. I like who I am just fine.


And on that note... I must go shower and such for the orchestra concert tonight.
I fear my pants and shirt will be too big.
And I fear all my sore muscles will tell my black heels to go fuck themselves, because I'm so ouchie after set up and tear down of the bout, and then outdoor skating with Amy.
IcyHot? Yes. I think so.

I had a strange and sad dream.

It was after the labor day parade, and we were all camped out at my house (which, I apparently owned?).... I also had dogs.
But suddenly, Nate showed up.
But my mom announced his presence like "Melanie, you have a visitor."
He followed me around the house and made a nuisance of himself until I stopped and listened to whatever he was saying.
But then I tried to punch him in the face, and couldn't. Like, I couldn't get enough speed or oomph, and every time I tried, he just ducked away.
But then he got on his knees in front of everyone to be for forgiveness and a second chance, etc etc etc and I was so, so embarrassed.
And then I woke up.

And I was sad.
Because I can try to convince myself that I miss the "us" and I don't miss him... but that's not true yet.
I do miss the "us"... but I miss it with him.
On nights like tonight, I really just want to sit on his stupid couch and play Fable or listen to the boys banter or whatever.

I don't need that validation to know I'm pretty or awesome or fun to be around- I know that I am all of those things.
But it sure was nice to have it then.

I really want to stop writing about him and thinking about him.. .but then the sneaky bastard shows up in my dreams.

I want it to be over, but it won't be for a long, long time.

You read my emails. I know you do.

I don't understand why you'll read and save my emails, and nothing else... but then you won't respond at all.

TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON. Tell me what can do to help.
Because I want to help and I want to be there...
But if you don't help yourself first... I can't even be your friend.

The situations you put yourself in are toxic... and I've worked too hard to make my life fruitful and promising. The people and situations you allow yourself to be around are making it impossible for you to grow into the man I saw glimpses of...

I can't make you grow up- you have to realize that that fraternity is terrible for you, that you can't live in your older brother's footsteps, that your roommates are awful people who drag you down, and you need to be in a better situation.

I can't help with that.
I still love you, and I want the best for you.
But you have to want it, too.

My weekend was so jam-packed I barely had a moment to breathe.
I certainly didn't get much sleep... and I drank a lot of beer.
I wish every weekend could be this way.
I'm so so blessed to have the derby girls in my life.

Actually, I'm blessed to have all my ladies in my life.
Strong, wonderful, beautiful women.
It's just awesome to be surrounded by so much power and grace and love.
My ladies are fierce.

I wish I had more time to write, because that's all I feel like doing- camping out in my cave (see also: room), putting in a scary movie, and then just writing and reading until forever.

Speaking of reading.. I'm going to need to step it up with my homework. I really suck lately.
And I want to keep my GPA up.
I don't know what I'm doing after I graduate, but if I decide to go to Grad School, I want a good gpa.
(Even though GPAs don't matter in the real world.)

I just want to get out of college eventually.
I want a job. I want real hours and real paychecks.
I want weekends off and my evenings free.
I want a real life schedule.
I'm extremely excited about it.
So much so that everyday, I consider dropping my classes and getting a job and making money.
Because I have no motivation for classes that don't matter in my life (Because really, once I get my Ed degree, I'm outtie5k. I'm dropping Antiquities and getting out of MoState.)... And I'm so tired of my crazy schedule all the time.

Like today.
Class 11:%0 and 12:55, then work 3-7:30.
I don't even know what the hell my schedule is half the time..


Regardless.
I must leave for my stupid 3.5 hour shift...

They say, "Men hate to cry, they rarely ever do. But, when a man cries over you, you know he loves you. Because men only cry when they lost something or are afraid of losing something that they love as much or more than themselves." But he cried over me, he practically died for me, time after time after time. And he gave up. He didn't love me, he couldn't have. You don't give up on the people you love. And I think that's part of the reason why I haven't given up hope of him returning to me.
(c) xStillCaringx@xanga

Someday, I will meet someone who will play and sing me this song.
And then I will marry him.


Write You a Song - Plain White T's

I don't know how to make lots of money
I got debts that I'm trying to pay
I can't buy you nice things, like big diamond rings
But that don't mean much anyway
I can't give you the house you've been dreaming
If I could I would build it alone
I'd be out there all day, just hammering away
Make us a place of our own

I will write you a song
That's how you'll know that my love is still strong
I will write you a song
And you'll know from this song that I just can't go on without you

I don't know that I'd make a good soldier
I don't believe in being violent and cruel
I don't know how to fight, but I'll draw blood tonight
If somebody tries hurting you

I will write you a song
That's how you'll know that my love is still strong
I will write you a song
And you'll know from this song that I just can't go on without you

Now that it's out on the table (it's out on the table)
Both of us knew all along (knew all along)
I've got your loving and you've got my song

I don't know how to make lots of money
I don't know all the right things to do
I can't say where we'll go, but the one thing I know
Is how to be a good man to you
Until I die that's what I'll do

I will write you a song
That's how you'll know that my love is still strong
I will write you a song
And you'll know from this song that I just can't go on without
I will write you a song (I will write you a song)
That's how you'll know that my love is still strong (love is still strong)
I will write you a song
And you know from this song that I just can't go on without you

fuckfuckfuckfuck.

One step forward, two steps back.
I need to be busier so I can avoid moments like this when I'm sitting around waiting for a text, or an email, and being disappointed because I'm not getting either.

I need more distraction, because it's starting to get pathetic that I'm still hanging on.
I have this pathetic hope that if I just keep him in my repertoire, that he'll change his mind, and I'll be his lady again.

Which... sucks.
Because I don't even necessarily want to be HIS. He didn't know how to be a good boyfriend in the first place.
And that's what sucks about being someone's first serious girlfriend.

I'm ready for that next step in life.
For a job and for marriage and puppies...

But clearly, God thinks I'm not.
Whatever that means.

My head hurts.

Dear You,

Everytime I hear a story about you, or talk to you... I am reminded why I am still so madly in love with you. Today I heard a story about how you were a really incredible friend to someone I love dearly, and it melted my heart. Again. And I hate that so much.
I want to hate you- but I know you're not a dick. You're a decent human being, and I can bitch and complain about whatever I can think of... but you were a wonderful boyfriend, and person.

I hope you're doing okay, since you won't talk to me. I know you're sick since we chatted a little yesterday.... And I hope you get better. I really wish I could be the one to take care of you... But right now, I'm taking care of myself.

I still miss you, I still love you, I still want you.

I just need the best of you, and not the half-assed part of you.
Because I'm working on me, and someday, someone will get the best of me.
Maybe it'll be you.
And maybe it won't.

But tonight, I miss you.

Love,
Me

One of the vets told me that I've improved a lot. :D

It's Sunday. woo?
I took Ellen and Tessa to open skate last night; they had fun- of which I am glad.
Tessa was terrified, but in the end, she had fun.
They want to go again tonight- but alas, I think the skateport is closed, which sucks, because I really need to buy outdoor wheels for the parade tomorrow.

Nate's parents are in town.
His mom really would like to see me.
I find that awkward, and strange.... I hope she loves Nate as much as she loves me! haha?
Nate texted me all day yesterday, because I responded to a twitter of his....
I told him that just when I convinced myself I hated him is when he's nice to me, and throws me for a loop.
I told him I don't know how to deal with it, because it confuses me.
He said he didn't want to have that talk then.
But kept texting me about how he's sick and didn't want to sober drive etc etc etc.

Weird.

Then I had weird dreams.
Seriously weird dreams.

And now, i'm eating random things for breakfast.
And I'm still tired.

I'm kind of hoping that there's no open skate on one hand... because it's Sound of Music Sunday at Tessa's.
But on the other hand- i need outdoor skates.
I wonder if skateboard wheels work the same?
Because if so, there's a skateshop downtown that's open till 5....

hmm.
Well, more Corpse Bride, less typing.

My eating habits are shitty.
I really like soda.
And drinking, as it were.

Here's what I've done for the last like... 3 hours.

(508): Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?

‎(857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

(720): o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

(416): you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

(732): i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

(607): Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

(910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars (910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

(505): Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

(i had to make sure this one wasn't me.. i double checked the area code like, 4 times.)
(801): Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

(413): i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

(917): you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
(720): ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
(917): no it doesn't.

(978): just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

Skinny September Challenge is a go.
Today is the first day.
So, I'm weighing in at 205.
Which is, indeed, significantly less than my 235 at the beginning of the summer. But I cheated and went to dig school in the desert and lost some poundage by default.

ANYWAY.
I'm starting my day off with:
-cheerios, 1% milk.
-wheat toast, peanut butter.
-Apple Jew Tea. (ahem, kosher tea I bought in Israel.)

It's also raining.
I'm loving September already. :D