"We willingly do this knowing there's pain involved, that sometimes you're going to get hurt. We don't need excuses, nor do we need to know what's going on in your normal life. Who cares if you're going through a divorce, that you're waiting on test results or that you're thinking about dropping out of that masters program? We just need you to get your head in the game. Right now."
"We bond. Our stories come out. We learn a new kind of respect for each other. But what's funny is, instead of going easy on each other, knowing who we really are only makes us tougher teammates. Now when someone falls, when someone's on the ground doubting herself, there's no apologies, no excuses. We look at her and say: "Get up. I know you've been through worse.""
"And when you're out in the "normal world" knowing somewhere a gang of badasses absolutely has your back? Nobody can knock you down."
http://www.oprah.com/oprahsbookclub/How-Roller-Derby-Can-Save-Your-Life-Pamela-Ribon_1/1
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Yours Alone (A Song from "Heartless: The Story of the Tin Man")
My heart is yours, love, yours alone, love
And should you wander, there I'll be
For where you go, love, I will follow
My heart is yours, love, and yours alone
My heart is yours, love, yours alone, love
And should the storms rise, there I'll be
I'll fight for you, love, till I go under
My heart is yours love, and yours alone
You're the song that is my heart
And it echoes deep and true
But if time should take me far, I'll sing till I find you
My heart is yours, love, yours alone, love
And in the darkness, you're my light
For in this world, love, there's no other
My heart is yours, love, and yours alone
I am yours, love, and yours alone.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
42. The answer to life, the universe and everything.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.
I should've been blogging my thoughts, but I made lists of them instead... Which, is kind of like blogging, but not quite, since it's in my yellow pocket notebook and note here.
regardless.
Thoughts thoughts thoughts.
Mostly of the serious variety.
I guess my first thought is that I keep thinking about deleting this blog, because I don't want to remember all the crap I had to go through in my break up with Nate.
But then, in the same moment, I'll cherish those moments, because they're preparing me for something greater.
Maybe a greater love.
A greater relationship.
More adventures.
I'm not sure. But I know it's preparing me for something. And for that, I am grateful.
I've been thinking a lot about love... Whether or not it exists... whether or not I'll find it in the capacity that I so strongly desire.
With Nate, I thought "this is it. things will never be better than this because it is so perfect."
I have a hard time thinking that anything could be better than what we had; but I know it will be.
Because that's life. Sometimes you don't realize the struggle until it's too late, but since you've already fought through them, there's no turning back.
Such too, are relationships.. Struggles. A big choppy pool of water to swim through.
There are days that the sky is clear, the sun is out and the water is still. A perfect day.
And there are days when the storms are raging, there's lightning, and you're afraid.
Those kinds of days might sneak up on the unsuspecting lover- but it's always evident to the unhappy one.
I apparently made Nate unhappy, but I had no idea- when someone tells you they're happy and nothing is wrong, and they make a good case of it, you believe them.
When something is wrong with a relationship, you tell your partner....
I don't want to make it out to be either of our faults. We just weren't right together.
It was great. It was good. Sometimes, it was pretty rough.
And I think that my optimism and his pessimism were the end of things.
I kept saying things would be okay, and he kept saying they wouldn't.
We're just different is all.
We both have so much to learn about life, and about love and about ourselves.
And maybe his journey includes any variations of 'hers'... but mine includes me.
Me, my books, my travels, my music.
And I'm coming to terms with that.
I'm coming to terms with that fact that I'm not who I need to be in order to be loved the way I want- no, need- to be.
I'm best when I'm being loved, I really am.
Being loved really keeps me from being an asshole all the time... It reminds me that I'm not really crazytown or a meanie.. That I'm just wary.
I generally have a very hard exterior, and a very high wall.
Yes, it keeps people out, and yes, I'm aware it keeps me out of friendships and relationships that have great potential.
I'm just very wary of people and their ability to hurt me.
So, if I come off as a bitch, then they won't take the chance.
And that's so sad when you spell it out like that, I know. I get it.
But that's really how I've always been. I'm sure there's some psychobabble that could analyze it.. like, how I've apparently always been a skeptic, and wary of people and I have trust issues.. but it's fine. I figure things out. That's how I do.
I dunno. I'm just rambling now.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about religion and spirituality and faith and different belief systems.
I think when you break it down to it's basics: religion is universal, and all the gods/Gods are pretty much the same one God. The basis for your individual faith demands very strongly on where you live. If you're an American, a lot of people are 'christians'.. lots of methodist, baptist, catholic... If you're from Israel, you're Jewish.. if you're from the middle east, more often than not Muslim.
What I haven't figure out quite yet is...
Well, who am I kidding? I've only figured out that much so far, and everything else is oblivion.
I guess what I'm saying is that I yearn for that kind of something in my life.
I grew up Baptist, I've been going to church since I was in the womb... singing for church audiences since the young age of 3... leading youth groups, singing in praise band..
And I wonder if it's more of a feeling that 'this is home' rather than a feeling of 'yeah, this God character is a pretty solid cat.'
I haven't figured it out yet.
Everyone always says when the Spirit moves, you'll feel it in your heart.
But what if it's not? What if that's just my yearning to be unconditionally loved and forgiving?
I have such serious doubts about this religion business.
I've heard that if you don't doubt, then you can't believe.. or something like that.
It's all just so confusing and convoluted, and I'm just.. I'm not really interested in being part of the mainstream Christian movements.
There's too much judgment and hate and anger for it to be a religion of love and light and.. i dunno, happiness?
I just can't understand how I could believe in the same God that people like Brother Jed believe in.
Or the people who picket funerals.
Or the people who judge someone for.. well, anything, really.
I'm just.. for better lack of a word- I'm in limbo.
I want to believe in this business.. but half of me thinks it's nonsense and culty, and the other half of me thinks it might be legit.
But dammit, all those religious/faithful/spiritual people are so happy all the time.
Maybe that's what I miss.. the bliss of believing in something instead of having a heavy heart all the time.
Gah.
I don't know.
I'm just... skeptical, about everything, it seems.
I should've been blogging my thoughts, but I made lists of them instead... Which, is kind of like blogging, but not quite, since it's in my yellow pocket notebook and note here.
regardless.
Thoughts thoughts thoughts.
Mostly of the serious variety.
I guess my first thought is that I keep thinking about deleting this blog, because I don't want to remember all the crap I had to go through in my break up with Nate.
But then, in the same moment, I'll cherish those moments, because they're preparing me for something greater.
Maybe a greater love.
A greater relationship.
More adventures.
I'm not sure. But I know it's preparing me for something. And for that, I am grateful.
I've been thinking a lot about love... Whether or not it exists... whether or not I'll find it in the capacity that I so strongly desire.
With Nate, I thought "this is it. things will never be better than this because it is so perfect."
I have a hard time thinking that anything could be better than what we had; but I know it will be.
Because that's life. Sometimes you don't realize the struggle until it's too late, but since you've already fought through them, there's no turning back.
Such too, are relationships.. Struggles. A big choppy pool of water to swim through.
There are days that the sky is clear, the sun is out and the water is still. A perfect day.
And there are days when the storms are raging, there's lightning, and you're afraid.
Those kinds of days might sneak up on the unsuspecting lover- but it's always evident to the unhappy one.
I apparently made Nate unhappy, but I had no idea- when someone tells you they're happy and nothing is wrong, and they make a good case of it, you believe them.
When something is wrong with a relationship, you tell your partner....
I don't want to make it out to be either of our faults. We just weren't right together.
It was great. It was good. Sometimes, it was pretty rough.
And I think that my optimism and his pessimism were the end of things.
I kept saying things would be okay, and he kept saying they wouldn't.
We're just different is all.
We both have so much to learn about life, and about love and about ourselves.
And maybe his journey includes any variations of 'hers'... but mine includes me.
Me, my books, my travels, my music.
And I'm coming to terms with that.
I'm coming to terms with that fact that I'm not who I need to be in order to be loved the way I want- no, need- to be.
I'm best when I'm being loved, I really am.
Being loved really keeps me from being an asshole all the time... It reminds me that I'm not really crazytown or a meanie.. That I'm just wary.
I generally have a very hard exterior, and a very high wall.
Yes, it keeps people out, and yes, I'm aware it keeps me out of friendships and relationships that have great potential.
I'm just very wary of people and their ability to hurt me.
So, if I come off as a bitch, then they won't take the chance.
And that's so sad when you spell it out like that, I know. I get it.
But that's really how I've always been. I'm sure there's some psychobabble that could analyze it.. like, how I've apparently always been a skeptic, and wary of people and I have trust issues.. but it's fine. I figure things out. That's how I do.
I dunno. I'm just rambling now.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about religion and spirituality and faith and different belief systems.
I think when you break it down to it's basics: religion is universal, and all the gods/Gods are pretty much the same one God. The basis for your individual faith demands very strongly on where you live. If you're an American, a lot of people are 'christians'.. lots of methodist, baptist, catholic... If you're from Israel, you're Jewish.. if you're from the middle east, more often than not Muslim.
What I haven't figure out quite yet is...
Well, who am I kidding? I've only figured out that much so far, and everything else is oblivion.
I guess what I'm saying is that I yearn for that kind of something in my life.
I grew up Baptist, I've been going to church since I was in the womb... singing for church audiences since the young age of 3... leading youth groups, singing in praise band..
And I wonder if it's more of a feeling that 'this is home' rather than a feeling of 'yeah, this God character is a pretty solid cat.'
I haven't figured it out yet.
Everyone always says when the Spirit moves, you'll feel it in your heart.
But what if it's not? What if that's just my yearning to be unconditionally loved and forgiving?
I have such serious doubts about this religion business.
I've heard that if you don't doubt, then you can't believe.. or something like that.
It's all just so confusing and convoluted, and I'm just.. I'm not really interested in being part of the mainstream Christian movements.
There's too much judgment and hate and anger for it to be a religion of love and light and.. i dunno, happiness?
I just can't understand how I could believe in the same God that people like Brother Jed believe in.
Or the people who picket funerals.
Or the people who judge someone for.. well, anything, really.
I'm just.. for better lack of a word- I'm in limbo.
I want to believe in this business.. but half of me thinks it's nonsense and culty, and the other half of me thinks it might be legit.
But dammit, all those religious/faithful/spiritual people are so happy all the time.
Maybe that's what I miss.. the bliss of believing in something instead of having a heavy heart all the time.
Gah.
I don't know.
I'm just... skeptical, about everything, it seems.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Alanis Morissette-You Oughta Know
and everytime you speak her name does she know how you told me you'd hold me until you die, until you die.. but you're still alive.
...and everytime I scratch my nails down someone else's back, I hope you feel it. Well, can you feel it?
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Can I say something? Jimmy, from now on, you stay away from me. I have wasted thousands and thousands of kisses on you - kisses that I thought were special because of your lips and your smile and all your color and life. I used to think that was the real you when you smiled. But now I know you don't mean any of it. You just save it for all your songs. Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight.
-Faye, That Thing You Do
-Faye, That Thing You Do
Friday, December 10, 2010
'friends' do not date the boy you're still hung up on .
'friends' remember that you're still in love with him.
'friends' DO give a shit that you're still hurting, and they will NOT date said boy.
Derby has taught me a lot about friendship, about how girls aren't always conniving stupid cunts.
Derby has taught me that I'm better than this situation. And better than that girl AND that boy.
Derby has taught me that I am powerful and beautiful and strong, and dude.. Fuck everything else, because I matter.
'friends' remember that you're still in love with him.
'friends' DO give a shit that you're still hurting, and they will NOT date said boy.
Derby has taught me a lot about friendship, about how girls aren't always conniving stupid cunts.
Derby has taught me that I'm better than this situation. And better than that girl AND that boy.
Derby has taught me that I am powerful and beautiful and strong, and dude.. Fuck everything else, because I matter.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
"To go out there and get the pants scared off you and to get beat up a little and to have all that actually feel really good because you're OKAY at the end of it and you can go and do it again"
—Lippy Wrongstockings, 42, Tri-City Roller Girls
"Unemployed? Fat? A lawyer? Rich housewife? Who cares? We all smell the same at the end of practice. It's a "no judgment zone" where everyone can let their freak flag fly"
—Blonde Phantom, 47, Providence Roller Derby
"I never want to be that woman who lets fear keep her from doing new things or the things she really wants to do. I tell people "It's not a tragedy to die doing what you love to do. The tragedy is dying never having done what you always wanted to do."
—Vi Suvius, 50, Ventura County Derby Darlins
"Derby has given me strength, confidence, and the ability to open a beer with my ass"
—HeLLen Bed, 43, Central Mass Roller Derby
Derby has made me feel “whole” again. I am not just growing old anymore. Right now my goal is the perfect can opener on that 3rd corner while staying in bounds, combining it with a j-hook of course. I wanna do my personal best and do it right, not just to hit a girl, but to perfect the hit"
—Motley Bruze, 40, Fort Myers Derby Girls
"I've always considered myself to be a strong woman, but I have met women with incredible physical, mental and emotional strength and I have come to admire them all"
—Sue Perduper, 45, Windy City Rollers
—Lippy Wrongstockings, 42, Tri-City Roller Girls
"Unemployed? Fat? A lawyer? Rich housewife? Who cares? We all smell the same at the end of practice. It's a "no judgment zone" where everyone can let their freak flag fly"
—Blonde Phantom, 47, Providence Roller Derby
"I never want to be that woman who lets fear keep her from doing new things or the things she really wants to do. I tell people "It's not a tragedy to die doing what you love to do. The tragedy is dying never having done what you always wanted to do."
—Vi Suvius, 50, Ventura County Derby Darlins
"Derby has given me strength, confidence, and the ability to open a beer with my ass"
—HeLLen Bed, 43, Central Mass Roller Derby
Derby has made me feel “whole” again. I am not just growing old anymore. Right now my goal is the perfect can opener on that 3rd corner while staying in bounds, combining it with a j-hook of course. I wanna do my personal best and do it right, not just to hit a girl, but to perfect the hit"
—Motley Bruze, 40, Fort Myers Derby Girls
"I've always considered myself to be a strong woman, but I have met women with incredible physical, mental and emotional strength and I have come to admire them all"
—Sue Perduper, 45, Windy City Rollers
Monday, December 6, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
I'm restless.
I feel like there are things I need to be doing. Lots of things.
Instead, I'm wasting my life in college, wishing I were playing music, wishing I were in a healthy, stable, safe relationship for the Holidays, wishing I had will strong enough to make me start running- even if it is 24 degrees outside, wishing, hoping, praying...
I'm just so damn tired of school, work, sleep, repeat... derby on the good days...
I want that stability of adult life.
I want my evenings free, my weekends off...
I want time to go and do and be.
Time that isn't owned by MSU and Old Navy.
I want to live my life.. And it feels like all I do is wait for it to start.
I've recently curled back into my quiet, insecure, hermit habits.
I'm angry all the time.
I'm scared all the time, about everything.
I'm sad all the time.
Derby helps.
But I know I need to be more active.
Regardless.
I miss the relationship. I miss the snuggling. I miss feeling safe and warm.
And while my newest prospect is a positive one... I still can't help but feel terrified that what little I have left is going to be broken, too.
I'm still too broken to allow anyone in to help patch me up.
(And yes, I am aware I have to do it myself... but still.)
I have a giant Nate-shaped hole in me still.
And really, until that is healed... There's nothing I can do.
I feel like there are things I need to be doing. Lots of things.
Instead, I'm wasting my life in college, wishing I were playing music, wishing I were in a healthy, stable, safe relationship for the Holidays, wishing I had will strong enough to make me start running- even if it is 24 degrees outside, wishing, hoping, praying...
I'm just so damn tired of school, work, sleep, repeat... derby on the good days...
I want that stability of adult life.
I want my evenings free, my weekends off...
I want time to go and do and be.
Time that isn't owned by MSU and Old Navy.
I want to live my life.. And it feels like all I do is wait for it to start.
I've recently curled back into my quiet, insecure, hermit habits.
I'm angry all the time.
I'm scared all the time, about everything.
I'm sad all the time.
Derby helps.
But I know I need to be more active.
Regardless.
I miss the relationship. I miss the snuggling. I miss feeling safe and warm.
And while my newest prospect is a positive one... I still can't help but feel terrified that what little I have left is going to be broken, too.
I'm still too broken to allow anyone in to help patch me up.
(And yes, I am aware I have to do it myself... but still.)
I have a giant Nate-shaped hole in me still.
And really, until that is healed... There's nothing I can do.
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