I'm restless.
I feel like there are things I need to be doing. Lots of things.

Instead, I'm wasting my life in college, wishing I were playing music, wishing I were in a healthy, stable, safe relationship for the Holidays, wishing I had will strong enough to make me start running- even if it is 24 degrees outside, wishing, hoping, praying...

I'm just so damn tired of school, work, sleep, repeat... derby on the good days...
I want that stability of adult life.
I want my evenings free, my weekends off...
I want time to go and do and be.
Time that isn't owned by MSU and Old Navy.
I want to live my life.. And it feels like all I do is wait for it to start.

I've recently curled back into my quiet, insecure, hermit habits.
I'm angry all the time.
I'm scared all the time, about everything.
I'm sad all the time.

Derby helps.
But I know I need to be more active.

Regardless.
I miss the relationship. I miss the snuggling. I miss feeling safe and warm.
And while my newest prospect is a positive one... I still can't help but feel terrified that what little I have left is going to be broken, too.
I'm still too broken to allow anyone in to help patch me up.
(And yes, I am aware I have to do it myself... but still.)


I have a giant Nate-shaped hole in me still.
And really, until that is healed... There's nothing I can do.