Derby.
:) Tonight was the first night. I am SO in love. I cannot wait until Thursday's practice. That is all. :) :DDDD

Friends.
My Thursday night family is comprised of the most incredible people I've ever met. (other than my besties at home- duh.) They are some of the most gracious, accepting, wonderful, giving people I've ever encountered. Seriously. I am a very lucky girl to have the people I have, and the support group and the people who actually WANT to spend time with me. That's new. People who WANT to hang out with me, they WANT me around, they WANT me to hang out on a Monday night while we do nothing, and Thursdays when we have the Detectives extravaganza. These people want me around, and shocker: I want to be around them. And that, my friends, is the most incredible of all.
I have good people in my life, and for that, I am truly blessed.

School.
Turns out, I'm going to have to drop my classes and work. Which is fine. People do that all the time.... I never thought it would happen to me, but it turns out, it did, and that's the reality. Now, I deal with it and move on. Because, that's what I do: I deal and then move on. So. I will be looking for another job that I can work full time without want to stab myself in the face.
I can't decide if I want to apply at the Humane Society and be a kennel tech... or try the cupcakery downtown.... I mean, then I wouldn't have to drive at all.
I might also go back to Second Baptist and keep playing for them. The money wasn't bad at all.
And I'll keep old navy to work during the weekends/evenings... might as well, right?
I'm just gonna be working a lot... And hopefully in the spring, I'll student teach and get out of Dodge- maybe get a TA spot doing grad work.

Him.
We've been talking a little. It's still strained and awkward... But I'm slowly realizing all the weirdo things I did and the times I was an awful person to him and of course, the fact that i smothered him. WINNER. I am a winner.
We just never quite figured it out. There was so much love and not enough reason. So, Maybe it'll work out between us someday, just not now.
And yeah, it hurts. But that's the reality of the situation. He wasn't perfect, and I wasn't perfect, and maybe someday when we both get our shit figured out, we'll can be perfect for each other. We'll see.

But for now, i'm just focusing on how I need to pay rent next week and I currently have $19.
I've been badgering my landlord from the Normal House to send me my deposit/rent... She FINALLY responded today. I guess phone calls and texts everyday is a little much and she was annoyed. YAY!
I'm working on the HHS director now... jerk.
He still hasn't paid me from last summer yet. What an ass.
Do I have to sic his band boosters on him again? Because I will. It's just a pain in the ass. I shouldn't have to go chasing people down to get paid- just be a professional, goddamnit and give me my money.
Otherwise, I will facebook stalk you and email you everyday until you do.
GAH.

shrug.
I have shit i need to figure out and it mostly has a lot to do with money.
And I guess my religion, too.
I dunno. I'm gonna let that happen on its own.

Hmmmmm..
okay bye.

The difficult thing about having other guys in my life... is when I think about waking up next to them, I still want it to be N.
And that's how I know I'm not ready for that business.

An old friend, Mike, came down to visit. My 2 best ladies and I went to Patton Alley and had a beer with him and we hung out for a bit, and then went home.
Later he started sending me text messages.
Some of them are charming and endearing and it makes me go "aww mike" and then smile like a retard girl.
But in the next minute, he'll text me "We should make out."

Nope, sorry Mike. I'm over that freshmen-year-make-out-when-we're-drunk-bullshit.
Tessa was like "Well, fuck I'll go! I'll just make him take his jean shorts off!"
I told her she should.
:)

Last night, a few of us went to MakeOut. Derek brought his friend Bylander. Who was smart, funny very very adorable AND wearing a Ramones shirt AND danced with us.
We actually talked at MakeOut. Like, real conversation.
The lean in, turn your ear to the other person kind of conversation.
Which is difficult at MakeOut.
But, we talked about his job and why his back hurt and derby... a lot about derby... and how he skates a lot and....
Yeah. :)
He was cute.
Unfortunately, he, too, just got out of an ugly relationship.

And hanging out with him would be great.
(He might come on Thursday!)
But I still don't know how I Feel about waking up next to him.

Sleeping next to N was natural. We just did it.
We cuddled or not... fell asleep... or watched a movie or talked until the wee hours...
It was just natural.

And learning how to do that with someone else isn't my cup of tea.
(I'd rather just drink tea. har har.)

Mike is still texting me.
I don't know if this is flirting or a booty call, but let's just admit it- I'm terrible at one and unwilling for the other.

Anyway.
I'm hungover and I have to go to work in 2 hours, so I better eat some carbs.
Or grease. I just got paid, I might leave early and go to Buckinghams....
God that sounds great.
It's a plan.

This blog has turned into a very himhimhimhimh blog and originally, that's what I wanted it to be.

But now, I'm over that.
Maybe I'll make another one.
Or maybe I'll keep up with this one, because it's valid, it's what I felt, it's real.
I'm not sure I want it lingering around though... Hmm...

we shall see.

It's mostly because I'm considering giving people the link.
People I trust.
People I give two shits about.

hm.
we shall see.

It still makes me sick to my stomach to think of Nate texting and talking to ...and yes, fucking flirting with other girls.

I don't care if we're not together anymore- it happened when we were together. And it makes me sick.
Because yeah, maybe he didn't fuck other girls or whatever... but I think texting other girls about getting them drunk and taking advantage of them... and making little jokes about buying a motorcycle, and offering them a ride... on the motorcycle too.
It just makes me sick.

It doesn't make me feel less of a woman. It makes me feel less attractive as a woman, and therefore somehow my stupid self-worth is connected to it.

And THAT makes me sick.
I yelled at him and called it a "class act" for talking to other girls while we were together... and I made him feel like shit, because he made ME feel like shit.

i HATE that I gave him that kind of power.

I really really don't think that he understood at ALL how much I gave to him.
It's entirely too hard for me to fall for someone in the first place because I have too many walls built up... but when I actually fall for them? Then I'm honest and I'm myself and I'm fucking vulnerable and I put myself out there...
But THEN. It ends.
And I pretend it's fine, and I'm fine and nothing bothers me, but then I cry myself to sleep and I start to feel like my self-worth is plummeting and no one will ever love me or be able to call me beautiful without thinking of HIM and no one will ever hurt me that way again.

And fuck if it doesn't happen again.

No, no, wait.

Drew hurt me. But not in the same way. It was a deep hurt- but a friend hurt. A hurt that no lover could match.

And then Nate came along and became my best friend and then we started dating because I fell in love with him.

The first time I knew I loved him and I wanted to be with him was in front of the band hall on a bench when he was trying to teach me how to play drums.
He was so funny and patient and never inferred I was stupid because I couldn't play the way he was telling me to do it.
I fell in love with him at that moment, even when I was still trying to tell myself I wasn't in love with him.
It was the way he looked at me. It was the way I felt safe with him.. the way I could say anything and make stupid jokes and he would still laugh.
But the way he looked at me... it will never be matched.

And I fell so hard. And so fast. And it terrified me so much.
I guess for good reason.

I miss him.
And I hate that I miss him.
And the way I still feel about him STILL scares me.
And being without him scares me.
In 15 minutes, we would've been together for 1 year and 2 months.

derbyderbyderbyderbyderbyderbyderbyderbyderbyderby!!!!!

:)

I can't WAIT for open recruitment :)


DERBYDERBYDERBYDERBYDERBYDERBYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

i am not suited to handle this break up anymore.

tonight, i'm all alone. i spent all day all alone.
and granted, yes, I could be out doing things....
but I'm not. I thought I would enjoy a day to just sit and hang out with myself because I'm so goddamn awesome.
but it turns out right now... the longer i sit by myself, the more time I have to think about Nate and the more my heart hurts when he no longer feels obligated to text me back.

It just sucks.
I hate being in this position.
The position where I still care and I'm still in love and I get dumped.
Especially since I came back here ready to be the best goddamn girlfriend on the face of the fucking planet.


i can't sleep.
i can't sleep without the goodnight texts, without hearing or reading "goodnight beautiful."
i can't rest well without knowing he's in my life because I am so fucking broken.
it does not help that I had to put Shaun in his place because he referred to nate and my break up as, and I quote the entire text:
"Sweet. Yep. You fell for a guy you didn't even like... learned to love him, he tossed you out like the toy store ads from last weeks news paper......."

It just set me back a few steps.
Because now I want to talk to Nate about it, but Nate doesn't give a shit.
And honestly, that second realization hurts the most.

I just want to get over it.
But so much is going on that I'm just so stressed out.
Last night I had the most disturbing dream.... my teeth rotted, turned the color and consistency of charred wood and fell out in my hands.... and all I could do was sob in the dream, and run around and try to find people to help, but no one would. I just kept holding my black wood teeth out to everyone and they were like "that's so gross!" and I would keep my mouth closed because my gums were just bare and empty and I was so embarrassed.
Then the dream turned to something else, my teeth were there again, normal teeth and we were being chased, but I was the leader and I had to protect everyone.

I'm exhausted but I can't sleep.
I'm broken and I'm trying to keep myself busy.
I just need. I need I need I need.

It should be as easy as Cheap Trick's lyrics... I want you to want me.
And then, it should be done.
And 80s movie.
80s lyrics.

I'm going to bed.

it wasn't so much the sluts that ended us.
because, really, his texting other girls was not any worse than my flirting in jordan with my teammates.

it's more that... he's 21. he's young. he needs to figure out who he is.
i get that.
i ran away to the desert to find me.
I was just hoping he could do it with me, the way I did it with him.

our break up was bizarre.
we fought and were mean to each other for a bit...
and then once the break up part was over, we hung out, we laughed, we talked more than we had in a while, fuck, we even flirted with each other. (wtf.)
And then after a few hours... we hugged and we left.
And today, we texted more than we have in weeks.

Last night, i texted him and told him that i finally started crying.
He told me almost the same thing.

If this is what's supposed to happen, if feelings change and relationships end... then why are both of us crying?

we've never been a typical couple, ever.
so, i guess I shouldn't have expected our break up to be a horrible cage fight and then, I end up hating him.

I've been advised not to hang out with him this week.
(I invited him to MakeOut with a few people and myself. He said he was into it. And he asked me to keep him posted when I go out.)
I know that if he hangs around, I won't be able to properly heal my heart... But we were friends first. And it's important to me that we stay friends.
God, as soon as we said "i think it's better that we're not together right now" everything was so much more relaxed.

Shaun told me he loved me.
He wants me to visit him in StL.
He told me today to "move on" and stop thinking about it.
I told him that it hadn't even been 10 hours since nate and i had broken up and he could go stick his head in an oven, in nicer words.

I've been talking to Drew.
But actual friend talking, which is weird, but refreshing.
He's the one who advised against hanging out with Nate socially, because he said I'd be in for some hard times if I keep Nate around.
He's probably right.
In fact, I can't remember a time during which he's been wrong when he's given me advice.
He might be a douche [see also: blunt dude.] when he gives advice, but that's okay.

And my lady friends...
Let's just say they are fucking FIERCE.
Sheila texted me today and I thought she was going to jump through the phone, possess me and go rip out Nate's jugular.
haha she makes me laugh.



So.
I'm just gonna go with it. Because that's one of the things I've picked up from playing in the dirt- go with it.

Plus, Nate needs some decent people around him.
And ever since I've come back, i've been a pretty okay person to be around.
I'm certainly not the princess I used to be.
And I like it.
I like who I am. A lot.
And if someone else doesn't, well fuck 'em. Because who I am is good enough.

No.. who I am is just perfect.
I am me. And that's great.

Tomorrow is another day.
I hope I don't wake up at 6am to a 1.3 second fire alarm that makes me want to pee my pants, and then makes me cry, because I wished N was there to fix it. [Don't worry.. i fixed it. I'm a badass.]

So.
There's that.
And it's going to be fine.

It's time to pull up my bootstraps and stop crying.
I have to be an adult about this, because in the real world, nobody gives a shit that you just ended a relationship with the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with.
And that's the truth.
There might've been a lot of lies between me and him the past few weeks... but the undeniable truth is that nobody gives a shit that you're sad.
And no one wants to be around a sad person.

So.
This is me turning a new leaf.
I'll be sad on my own goddamn time.
But, no one needs or wants to see me sad. Because what is the use.

I still can't believe it's over though.
I don't even know what to do, I feel lost.
That's such a stupid fucking cliche, but it's so true.
This morning, at like 6 fucking am, Tessa's smoke alarm went off for about 1.3 seconds- it nearly scared the piss out of me.
I had to get a chair and figure out how to take the damn thing apart to get the battery out- which, of course, I couldn't do.
And then I realized... this is something Nate would've done. Not me.
All this time I've been telling myself "I CAN do things alone, i just don't want to."
And i thought I wasn't getting attached.
I don't even know when the switch happened.
When I went from strong independent woman with a boyfriend to stupid fucking girl with a boyfriend who can't do shit for herself.

"And how were you culpable in this relationship?"

me: ....."And I thought I was the queen of obscure movie quotes!"
him: "This is just how my brain works."
me: "I know how your brain works. I've always liked how your brain works."
him: "You don't know me!"

me: "It's nice to see you smile again. I mean, really. It is."
him: "Yeah... it's been a while."

fuck this hurts so much.

I hate being this girl.
The girl that guys stay with for a while and then suddenly decide "I don't love you anymore."
What?
Where the fuck did that love go?
So basically, you're saying... you never loved me.
I took you to holidays with my family.
I went to holidays with YOUR family.
I don't DO that shit unless it's real.

Maybe I'm prematurely getting into my Bitter Bettie stage....
wtfever, I was a bitter bettie before we even broke up.

WHY IS THIS SUCH A SURPRISE TO ME.
i KNEW we were going to break up. This should NOT come as a surprise.

I don't want to go to work, I want to hibernate.
Unfortunately, staying busy is my best choice.
And tonight, Vagina tripod time for the first time like 3 years.
KatieKate and Sam and I will hang out and watch TrueBlood apparently, and hopefully talk derby. :)
Yessssssssss.

on that note. it is time for food and a shower and work.
monaaaay.

worst and best break up ever.

at first, we fought.

then once it was over, we laughed, and hung out and told stories.

i don't get it.
if we can still do that....
i don't understand how people's feelings change.

everytime i fall, i give a little piece of my heart away to that person.
in this case, it was all of my heart.

but it hurts so much and i am broken.

And yes. I have been made a fool of.

I went to work, came home, watched Whip It, took a shower, and hoped I'd get a text.
And i didn't.

I fucking wasted my evening.
(not that my friends are in town or anything.... But still. I find my own fun, goddamnit.)

I have wasted my time, wasted my nights, wasted my emotions, had my heart broken and partially healed it ALL BEFORE we've even broken up.

I won't be made a fool of again.

my god, i have been made a fool of.. time and time again.

question is.
do i continue to let it happen? or leave the situation altogether?

i might've done something bad.
something good girlfriends shouldn't do.
but it certainly made my doubts a fact.

but funny thing is...
I laughed.
I don't really think that's a normal reaction.

I've seen and read some hilarious things.
And I don't think my reaction should be to laugh.
I mean, granted, I'm a bit angry too- I'm shaking.
But I'm laughing.
What the fuck else am I supposed to do?

I need to be sleeping.
But I feel like i could run a fucking marathon right now.

hahahahahaha
my life... could seriously be made into a movie.

maybe i will write that book after all... my life has too much good material to waste NOT writing about it.

Eisley - Combinations

this song makes me sob like a child.




I, I saw you there, wanted you there
I, I knew that it was best for me
You brought me back to that place in my heart
I thought was gone, oh so long
I was unhappy now it's gone
And I'm moving on, moving on
I'm moving on

I went for so long
And I was so wrong
And then I met you
And now I can't live without you
And I don't want to
I've done that all my life up till now

Pass the evening, bring tomorrow
How could we know that night would bring us into daylight
Combinations all around us
Fill our heads with the love we've been feeling
For time long past

I went for so long
And I was so wrong
And then I met you
And now I can't live without you
And I don't want to
I've done that all my life up till now

All the time, darling now, oh
All the time, now we'll have to make it up
We'll make it up, oh
All the days, darling now, oh
All the days, now we'll have to make them up
We'll make them up somehow
We'll make them up

I went for so long
And I was so wrong
And then I met you
And now I can't live without you
And I don't want to
I've done that all my life

I went for so long
And I was so wrong
And then I met you
And now I can't live without you
And I don't want to
I've done that all my life up till now

sheena is a mother fucking punk rocker.

I'm going to join the Springfield roller derby league.
Tessa is interested too.
And maybe Sheila.
And maybe Shannon.
And maybe another girl named Robyn.

By all rights, we could start our own team.
But before that happens, I'd really like some experience. haha....

I haven't found a derby name yet, but it's going to be incredible.

I need this.
After coming back from jordan, I felt unstoppable. I felt like I could do anything. I was fearless.
And unfortunately, who could put the fear back in a woman? Who makes a woman doubt herself? Who makes a woman stopable? A man, of course.
Or rather, in my situation.. a boy.

And that is entirely unacceptable to me.
so. I'm going to do something about it.
I'll have to work really hard with my classes and switch around my work schedule... But, that's fine.
My self worth is worth more than not trying.


Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe.
I get to thinking... and thinking leads to panic attacks.
And then I freak out over nothing.
I'm currently having a panic attack over the fact that my landlord did not call me back today. And that I still don't have my financial aid money in. AND if I can't get hours at work, then I can make money for the deposit/rent and I can't move in and I'll continue to be homeless.
HOWEVER.
This little homeless endeavor is really helping me become friends with people I never thought I would!
Which is delightful.
I met a lot of lovely people last night. Some were wasted and hugged me without prompting [people whom none of us knew, they just wanted to give hugs] and then there were the people who weren't wasted and still gave hugs when introduced to me. LOVELY people.

Last night was an adventure.
And I needed it.
The band played a few Rage Against the Machine songs, and I needed that 15 minutes of raging in a group of strangers (and tessa). Sweaty and yelling song lyrics and thrashing...
Incredible.

hm.
in other news... there IS no other news.
I had a bit of a breakdown today, thinking about Nate possibly falling in love with someone else, or fucking someone else while we're together, or anything else with another girl, really. (Damn you, grey's anatomy.)
And I started to cry and then I would stop. And then every like... 5 minutes I would start crying again.
That bastard.
He doesn't deserve any tears.

I know he wants me to do the dirty work, but I'm not going to do it. I am NOT going to give him or his stupid fucking brothers that benefit.

And speaking of brothers... WHAT brotherhood.
Those boys haven't known brother hood since.... fuck, ever?
I have watched them fuck each other's girlfriends- then call HER a slut.
I have seen them literally first fight while rolling around in a backyard, then hug afterwards.
I have seen them in each other's faces screaming at each other.
I have heard them gossip like school girls about one another.
I have seen them stomp away from a discussion like 4 year olds.
WHAT BROTHERHOOD.
What a monumental waste of time.
Okay, maybe not a waste of time... but a waste of life.
What are they doing?
See, I can drink AND have quality friends.
It's AWESOME.

Getting booted from SAI and from my department were the best things that ever happened to me.
I can see clearly now the rain is gone?
hahaaa indeed.
Yes I can.
What a crock of HORSESHIT.

I'm just being bitter and that's fucking fine. I can be positive tomorrow. (thanks, grey's anatomy.)

But seriously.
I was facebook stalking today, and I had to get off the computer and go take a shower because I was getting SO furious.
Little sluts who think they know a thing or two about Sinfonia. (when I'm not bitching, I know a thing or two. And yes, when I'm not bitching, I respect their stupid fraternity bullshit.)
Little sluts shaped like refrigerators wearing make up bad for their skin tone and carrying coach purses like they could afford them on their own if mommy and daddy suddenly cut them off.

Stupid sluts who cheat on their boyfriends.
(Stupid boys who take them back but that's neither here nor there.)
Stupid sluts who used to be 'friends' and text other girls boyfriends.

Those ugly little mean girls wouldn't know the meaning of the word friend if it slapped them in the mouth like a porn cock.
(because to me, coming from you, friend is a 4 letter word.)

I have been drunk every night this week.
And it has been awesome.
because I have been with good people, drinking good stuff, having a DAMN good time.

And fuck YOU, Nate, for avoiding everything that used to be important to you.





Sheena is a punk rocker
Sheena is a punk rocker
Sheena is a punk rocker now

This is not how I saw my homecoming happening.
Not at all.

I cannot believe the shit that is happening and I can't believe that I'm just allowing it to go on.
I'm being made a fool of, and I'm letting it happen.

I'm not sad.
I'm pissed.
And I want to get even.
But I'm unfortunately not that kind of dame.
I wish I were... I've been watching Whip It every day for the past week. Sometimes twice a day.
Because I want to be a badass. A badass with feelings.
But a girl who can take a hit and get back up and hit 'em back.

So right now.
I'm in the not feeling stage.
No.. that's not entirely true.
I'm in the, i-want-to-scalp-the-dirty-bitch-who-put-these-thoughts-into-my-once-perfect-boyfriends-head.
That includes his friends.
And that includes the rumored bitches. The real ones.
The ones who grew up watching Mean Girls because they liked the Plastics, but missed the moral of the story.
Those fake Coach carrying, iPhone having rich bitches who forget that the girlfriends of these boys are human beings.

I also want to scalp The Boy for not getting his shit together sooner.
Because I wanted a happy reunion. I wanted a hug and a kiss and happy fucking tears.
I didn't not want to sob in my car as I drove away from his house at 3 in the goddamn morning. what the SHIT.

I told him today I wouldn't wait forever.
Which is probably what he's waiting to hear... I'm sure he doesn't want to do the dirty work- and to be perfectly honest, I'm not going to do it and give his brothers the benefit of the doubt, because they STILL think I'm the bad guy and they STILL think I'm a fucking bitch out to break His heart.
Well, fucking newflash, you idiots... It's the other way around, now isn't it.

I'm the one who went away to better myself and to learn and to grow- and what did he do? Talk to other girls, and get wasted.
Well congratu-fuckin-lations. You really did some good.

God. I'm so bitter.
Maybe this is supposed to be happening.
Maybe we're supposed to break up.
Maybe i AM supposed to go to Africa.
(Which, btw, I've been talking to Alex about, because she did it... she went through a volunteer organization to go to Africa for a month to work for a women's organization much like that of the Girl Effect. God... working for the Girl Effect or working for one of Greg Mortenson's organizations would be a dream.)

But seriously. Why drag it out.
Either you love me, or you don't.
Either you want to be with me, or you don't.
And seriously- it's that easy.
Life is to goddamn short to waste precious time with someone you don't love.
And if he doesn't love me, he's wasting my time.

God.... which sucks so much.
I'd be crying if I weren't writing this from Panera because I am homeless and internet-less.

And that's one more fucking goddamn thing that I am PISSED OFF about- I had planned to stay at His house... and now I have to impose on Tessa and I feel shitty about it.
She's so awesome though, letting me stay.
I guess we'll see.
I'm homeless.
Wow. That's so. Crazy. I can't even fathom it yet.
I guess I can always sleep in big sassy... my stuff is still in storage. O
No big deal right.

I'm just homeless.
And I have $19.

shit.
i have to leave Panera. because I am about to have a break down.

cool.

my life is so good.

It's true what they say... everything always looks better in the morning.
(After some tylenol pm and 10 hours of sleep in one night, after only getting 10 hours of sleep in 4 days.)

I'm still confused, mostly.
And pissed off. And hurt. And upset.
Sure, i'm those things. And what girlfriend in her right mind wouldn't be?

The rumors are really eating at me, but I don't know how to bring them up without ruining a friendship between me and PartyX, or Him and PartyX.... But I want to choose to trust Him.
And a friend who has lied to me once, will lie again.
He has never lied before. And I trust him. He's never done anything to hurt me before, never done anything with malicious intent.
So, why should I believe anyone who follows up their negative statements about Him with "I for real love you. Please come see me."
No. Thank you. I'd rather not.
Because while I don't want to be the girl who sits and wonders if anything did or didn't happen between Him and some dirty tart (that I thought was my friend)- I also don't want to be the girl who cuts and runs on the best relationship I've ever had.
Who cuts and runs on someone who makes my insides go all jello-y. Who makes me smile and giggle EVERY time I get a text from him. Who, when he hugs me, I forget everything else in the world except for that moment. Who dance with me in the kitchen.
And no one else has EVER made me feel that way, especially after this long.
There is something about him that makes me want to keep fighting for this.

Maybe my feelings are bullshit.
But maybe they're not.

But he's going to have to try a lot harder to get rid of me, if that's what he wants to do.

I'm just really hoping this is not a "i want to get wasted and fuck sluts" phase.
Because if it is, I'll be gone faster than he can turn his head.
And by gone I mean, out of the state, gone to another school, sold all my stuff, moved away.
I will do it and I won't hesitate.
Because the people I want to see, I can see.
And my family, well, they can have me at holidays just like normal.

I hate to plan for the worst... but what else can I do.
I hope for the best and expect the worst and that's what good ol' Missouri State has taught me.

However.
Jordan taught me, leave it up to Allah's will, have some tea, and if it doesn't happen, make a new plan.
I love Jordan.
I might save my pennies for another dig next summer.

On that note...

I just spent 2 hours writing an entry.
And it was erased in the upload process.
I feel like crying for so many different reasons.
And although my relationship issues are first and foremost on my mind... this stupid blog bullshit is totally setting me over the edge.

Must. Sleep.
Must. Eat.

Wish I could do either....