it wasn't so much the sluts that ended us.
because, really, his texting other girls was not any worse than my flirting in jordan with my teammates.

it's more that... he's 21. he's young. he needs to figure out who he is.
i get that.
i ran away to the desert to find me.
I was just hoping he could do it with me, the way I did it with him.

our break up was bizarre.
we fought and were mean to each other for a bit...
and then once the break up part was over, we hung out, we laughed, we talked more than we had in a while, fuck, we even flirted with each other. (wtf.)
And then after a few hours... we hugged and we left.
And today, we texted more than we have in weeks.

Last night, i texted him and told him that i finally started crying.
He told me almost the same thing.

If this is what's supposed to happen, if feelings change and relationships end... then why are both of us crying?

we've never been a typical couple, ever.
so, i guess I shouldn't have expected our break up to be a horrible cage fight and then, I end up hating him.

I've been advised not to hang out with him this week.
(I invited him to MakeOut with a few people and myself. He said he was into it. And he asked me to keep him posted when I go out.)
I know that if he hangs around, I won't be able to properly heal my heart... But we were friends first. And it's important to me that we stay friends.
God, as soon as we said "i think it's better that we're not together right now" everything was so much more relaxed.

Shaun told me he loved me.
He wants me to visit him in StL.
He told me today to "move on" and stop thinking about it.
I told him that it hadn't even been 10 hours since nate and i had broken up and he could go stick his head in an oven, in nicer words.

I've been talking to Drew.
But actual friend talking, which is weird, but refreshing.
He's the one who advised against hanging out with Nate socially, because he said I'd be in for some hard times if I keep Nate around.
He's probably right.
In fact, I can't remember a time during which he's been wrong when he's given me advice.
He might be a douche [see also: blunt dude.] when he gives advice, but that's okay.

And my lady friends...
Let's just say they are fucking FIERCE.
Sheila texted me today and I thought she was going to jump through the phone, possess me and go rip out Nate's jugular.
haha she makes me laugh.



So.
I'm just gonna go with it. Because that's one of the things I've picked up from playing in the dirt- go with it.

Plus, Nate needs some decent people around him.
And ever since I've come back, i've been a pretty okay person to be around.
I'm certainly not the princess I used to be.
And I like it.
I like who I am. A lot.
And if someone else doesn't, well fuck 'em. Because who I am is good enough.

No.. who I am is just perfect.
I am me. And that's great.

Tomorrow is another day.
I hope I don't wake up at 6am to a 1.3 second fire alarm that makes me want to pee my pants, and then makes me cry, because I wished N was there to fix it. [Don't worry.. i fixed it. I'm a badass.]

So.
There's that.
And it's going to be fine.