It still makes me sick to my stomach to think of Nate texting and talking to ...and yes, fucking flirting with other girls.

I don't care if we're not together anymore- it happened when we were together. And it makes me sick.
Because yeah, maybe he didn't fuck other girls or whatever... but I think texting other girls about getting them drunk and taking advantage of them... and making little jokes about buying a motorcycle, and offering them a ride... on the motorcycle too.
It just makes me sick.

It doesn't make me feel less of a woman. It makes me feel less attractive as a woman, and therefore somehow my stupid self-worth is connected to it.

And THAT makes me sick.
I yelled at him and called it a "class act" for talking to other girls while we were together... and I made him feel like shit, because he made ME feel like shit.

i HATE that I gave him that kind of power.

I really really don't think that he understood at ALL how much I gave to him.
It's entirely too hard for me to fall for someone in the first place because I have too many walls built up... but when I actually fall for them? Then I'm honest and I'm myself and I'm fucking vulnerable and I put myself out there...
But THEN. It ends.
And I pretend it's fine, and I'm fine and nothing bothers me, but then I cry myself to sleep and I start to feel like my self-worth is plummeting and no one will ever love me or be able to call me beautiful without thinking of HIM and no one will ever hurt me that way again.

And fuck if it doesn't happen again.

No, no, wait.

Drew hurt me. But not in the same way. It was a deep hurt- but a friend hurt. A hurt that no lover could match.

And then Nate came along and became my best friend and then we started dating because I fell in love with him.

The first time I knew I loved him and I wanted to be with him was in front of the band hall on a bench when he was trying to teach me how to play drums.
He was so funny and patient and never inferred I was stupid because I couldn't play the way he was telling me to do it.
I fell in love with him at that moment, even when I was still trying to tell myself I wasn't in love with him.
It was the way he looked at me. It was the way I felt safe with him.. the way I could say anything and make stupid jokes and he would still laugh.
But the way he looked at me... it will never be matched.

And I fell so hard. And so fast. And it terrified me so much.
I guess for good reason.

I miss him.
And I hate that I miss him.
And the way I still feel about him STILL scares me.
And being without him scares me.
In 15 minutes, we would've been together for 1 year and 2 months.