It's time to pull up my bootstraps and stop crying.
I have to be an adult about this, because in the real world, nobody gives a shit that you just ended a relationship with the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with.
And that's the truth.
There might've been a lot of lies between me and him the past few weeks... but the undeniable truth is that nobody gives a shit that you're sad.
And no one wants to be around a sad person.

So.
This is me turning a new leaf.
I'll be sad on my own goddamn time.
But, no one needs or wants to see me sad. Because what is the use.

I still can't believe it's over though.
I don't even know what to do, I feel lost.
That's such a stupid fucking cliche, but it's so true.
This morning, at like 6 fucking am, Tessa's smoke alarm went off for about 1.3 seconds- it nearly scared the piss out of me.
I had to get a chair and figure out how to take the damn thing apart to get the battery out- which, of course, I couldn't do.
And then I realized... this is something Nate would've done. Not me.
All this time I've been telling myself "I CAN do things alone, i just don't want to."
And i thought I wasn't getting attached.
I don't even know when the switch happened.
When I went from strong independent woman with a boyfriend to stupid fucking girl with a boyfriend who can't do shit for herself.

"And how were you culpable in this relationship?"

me: ....."And I thought I was the queen of obscure movie quotes!"
him: "This is just how my brain works."
me: "I know how your brain works. I've always liked how your brain works."
him: "You don't know me!"

me: "It's nice to see you smile again. I mean, really. It is."
him: "Yeah... it's been a while."

fuck this hurts so much.

I hate being this girl.
The girl that guys stay with for a while and then suddenly decide "I don't love you anymore."
What?
Where the fuck did that love go?
So basically, you're saying... you never loved me.
I took you to holidays with my family.
I went to holidays with YOUR family.
I don't DO that shit unless it's real.

Maybe I'm prematurely getting into my Bitter Bettie stage....
wtfever, I was a bitter bettie before we even broke up.

WHY IS THIS SUCH A SURPRISE TO ME.
i KNEW we were going to break up. This should NOT come as a surprise.

I don't want to go to work, I want to hibernate.
Unfortunately, staying busy is my best choice.
And tonight, Vagina tripod time for the first time like 3 years.
KatieKate and Sam and I will hang out and watch TrueBlood apparently, and hopefully talk derby. :)
Yessssssssss.

on that note. it is time for food and a shower and work.
monaaaay.