i am not suited to handle this break up anymore.

tonight, i'm all alone. i spent all day all alone.
and granted, yes, I could be out doing things....
but I'm not. I thought I would enjoy a day to just sit and hang out with myself because I'm so goddamn awesome.
but it turns out right now... the longer i sit by myself, the more time I have to think about Nate and the more my heart hurts when he no longer feels obligated to text me back.

It just sucks.
I hate being in this position.
The position where I still care and I'm still in love and I get dumped.
Especially since I came back here ready to be the best goddamn girlfriend on the face of the fucking planet.


i can't sleep.
i can't sleep without the goodnight texts, without hearing or reading "goodnight beautiful."
i can't rest well without knowing he's in my life because I am so fucking broken.
it does not help that I had to put Shaun in his place because he referred to nate and my break up as, and I quote the entire text:
"Sweet. Yep. You fell for a guy you didn't even like... learned to love him, he tossed you out like the toy store ads from last weeks news paper......."

It just set me back a few steps.
Because now I want to talk to Nate about it, but Nate doesn't give a shit.
And honestly, that second realization hurts the most.

I just want to get over it.
But so much is going on that I'm just so stressed out.
Last night I had the most disturbing dream.... my teeth rotted, turned the color and consistency of charred wood and fell out in my hands.... and all I could do was sob in the dream, and run around and try to find people to help, but no one would. I just kept holding my black wood teeth out to everyone and they were like "that's so gross!" and I would keep my mouth closed because my gums were just bare and empty and I was so embarrassed.
Then the dream turned to something else, my teeth were there again, normal teeth and we were being chased, but I was the leader and I had to protect everyone.

I'm exhausted but I can't sleep.
I'm broken and I'm trying to keep myself busy.
I just need. I need I need I need.

It should be as easy as Cheap Trick's lyrics... I want you to want me.
And then, it should be done.
And 80s movie.
80s lyrics.

I'm going to bed.