This is not how I saw my homecoming happening.
Not at all.

I cannot believe the shit that is happening and I can't believe that I'm just allowing it to go on.
I'm being made a fool of, and I'm letting it happen.

I'm not sad.
I'm pissed.
And I want to get even.
But I'm unfortunately not that kind of dame.
I wish I were... I've been watching Whip It every day for the past week. Sometimes twice a day.
Because I want to be a badass. A badass with feelings.
But a girl who can take a hit and get back up and hit 'em back.

So right now.
I'm in the not feeling stage.
No.. that's not entirely true.
I'm in the, i-want-to-scalp-the-dirty-bitch-who-put-these-thoughts-into-my-once-perfect-boyfriends-head.
That includes his friends.
And that includes the rumored bitches. The real ones.
The ones who grew up watching Mean Girls because they liked the Plastics, but missed the moral of the story.
Those fake Coach carrying, iPhone having rich bitches who forget that the girlfriends of these boys are human beings.

I also want to scalp The Boy for not getting his shit together sooner.
Because I wanted a happy reunion. I wanted a hug and a kiss and happy fucking tears.
I didn't not want to sob in my car as I drove away from his house at 3 in the goddamn morning. what the SHIT.

I told him today I wouldn't wait forever.
Which is probably what he's waiting to hear... I'm sure he doesn't want to do the dirty work- and to be perfectly honest, I'm not going to do it and give his brothers the benefit of the doubt, because they STILL think I'm the bad guy and they STILL think I'm a fucking bitch out to break His heart.
Well, fucking newflash, you idiots... It's the other way around, now isn't it.

I'm the one who went away to better myself and to learn and to grow- and what did he do? Talk to other girls, and get wasted.
Well congratu-fuckin-lations. You really did some good.

God. I'm so bitter.
Maybe this is supposed to be happening.
Maybe we're supposed to break up.
Maybe i AM supposed to go to Africa.
(Which, btw, I've been talking to Alex about, because she did it... she went through a volunteer organization to go to Africa for a month to work for a women's organization much like that of the Girl Effect. God... working for the Girl Effect or working for one of Greg Mortenson's organizations would be a dream.)

But seriously. Why drag it out.
Either you love me, or you don't.
Either you want to be with me, or you don't.
And seriously- it's that easy.
Life is to goddamn short to waste precious time with someone you don't love.
And if he doesn't love me, he's wasting my time.

God.... which sucks so much.
I'd be crying if I weren't writing this from Panera because I am homeless and internet-less.

And that's one more fucking goddamn thing that I am PISSED OFF about- I had planned to stay at His house... and now I have to impose on Tessa and I feel shitty about it.
She's so awesome though, letting me stay.
I guess we'll see.
I'm homeless.
Wow. That's so. Crazy. I can't even fathom it yet.
I guess I can always sleep in big sassy... my stuff is still in storage. O
No big deal right.

I'm just homeless.
And I have $19.

shit.
i have to leave Panera. because I am about to have a break down.

cool.

my life is so good.