“I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when I lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other; for those were some of the best times of my life.”

Tessa posted this quote.
And I got teary eyed.
Which drives me crazy... because I want to feel like I'm making more progress than this.

I am making progress.
And I am doing well.
But that quote.... sigh.

I always get the best inspiration to write when I'm at work.
Which sucks, because I can't just stop and write at work- I'd get in trouble.

I had some of the best and beautiful thoughts... but they were so fleeting, as I cannot remember them now.

I miss writing a lot.
I miss writing poetry, and essays and letters...
Now that I have time for myself, and not to worry about someone else who can't take care of themselves, I'm going to write again.
And I'm going to be crafty again.
Because I can and I enjoy it.

I write. It's what I do.
It's one of my outlets.
And I'll be damned if I don't keep writing this time.

This time around will be different.
I am worth more than dating any random guy.
Someday, I will be treasured and cherished and loved the way I'm supposed to be.
I will meet someone who will show me how I'm supposed to be loved.

And I will still have free time to write and be crafty.
I will still have time for me, and he won't let me forget that I am important, too.

It's a dream right now. But that's fine.
I am content and I am happy as I am- without a man, and the next time, i want it to be the real time. The one time.
The infinite time.
I want an affair that could be written in the stars, that could be published in a thousand different books because our love is so perfect and beautiful.

And mostly?
I want to be fabulous and perfectly imperfect and I want to continue to love me the way I am.
With or without someone.
Because I am wonderful. And I am smart. And I am beautiful. And I am talented. And I don't need affirmation from anyone but myself.




"The King Of Wishful Thinking"
(feat. Patrick Stump of Fall Out Boy)

[From the movie "Pretty Woman"]
[Originally by Go West]

I don't need to fall at your feet
Just cause you cut me to the bone
And I won't miss the way that you kiss me
We were never carved in stone

And If I don't listen to the talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself
I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my ships not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
Because I am the king of wishful thinking
Because I am the king of wishful thinking

I refuse to give into my blues
That's not how its gonna be
And I deny the tears in my eyes
I don't wanna let you see, no

That you had made a hole in my heart
And now I've got to fool myself
I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my ships not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you

Because I am the king of wishful thinking
I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my ships not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
Because I'm the king of wishful thinking

If I don't listen to the talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself
I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my ships not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
Because I'm the king of wishful thinking
I am the king of wishful thinking
I'll get over you I know I will
You made a whole in my heart
But I won't shed a tear for you
I'll be the king of wishful thinking
(I'll be the king of wishful)

I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my hearts still beating
Cause I've got no more tears for you
I am the king of wishful thinking
(king of wishful thinking) no

Dear You,


I don't need you anymore.

I don't need you, but I want you.
I want you around still.
And I want you to want me. (Thanks, Cheap Trick.)


But I don't need you anymore.
I am happy, and I am smart and I am complete.
And I don't need you.

I used to think I needed you to get by, to survive.
But I never needed you.
You were a great help, yes.
But everything I did, I did on my own.
And could've done without you.

Christy was right- I lived 24 years without you, and I can live without you now.

So. Here's to me.
And my life.
And my future.

I'm not to the point where I can wish you luck and love and happiness- afterall, I still want to key your car everytime I see it.
But, for now, I wish you contentment and that journey of self-discovery.
And really, that's a lot.
That's me wishing YOU a lot.

But you don't know that yet.
Because you're still young. And you're still a frat boy. And you're still selfish and living off your parent's money so that you can pay your bills with their dollar and not your own.
And I can't have that anymore.
It was too much, and it was too hard- and you couldn't recognize the times when I needed a strong support versus when you thought I was being a drama queen.

So. I hope you find yourself.
And maybe I'll be lucky enough to hang out with your family again... because God knows they loved me. And I sure loved them.

I did love you.
And I still do.
I just won't say it outloud anymore.
Because you don't deserve it.
And I daresay, you never did.

Love (in secret), Me

My first day back to classes was pretty insane.
I woke up, showered, and went to the Ellis to audition for orchestra.
Then had class, class, work, class. Now I'm home, sigh!

The audition was better than expected, but I still played like I had been in the desert all summer long and not like I'd been in the practice room. haha
Which is to be expected, but whatevs- I'm going back to my home playing 4th horn. So that's sweet, I do love 4th horn.
However, I'm pretty bummed about it because I'm not sitting 2nd anymore. I'm not sitting next to RyRy.
AND I guess I'm just jealous because Staci and Deanna are both sitting ahead of me.
Staci, I think it's awesome. She kicked our asses.
But... they decided to split it differently this year, and instead of 1 and 2 playing 1 and 2 when the music calls for 2 horns, Q wants 1 and 3 to play it.
Which makes me kind of sad.
Not that I'd be playing the 2nd part anyway... but it just means Deanna is playing it. And, damnit, if that silly bitch doesn't get everything.
She didn't even know the Horn in C was in C until like, 20 minutes before her audition, which drives me CRAZY.
I transposed ALL of it and worked really hard at it.
Oh wells.
I should just be glad we have a really really killer section this year.

Class one: History of Western Philosophy
....should be very interesting. My teacher is hilarious and made penis jokes today. So that's promising.
However, everyone in my class knows everyone else and it seems I'm the odd duck out. It's going to take me out of my comfort zone, for sure, because in groups of 4, we have to facilitate the class discussion. But, it should be really interesting.

Class two: Latin.
Boring. She throws so much information out that I zoned out and stared out the window. It's my teacher from roman civ... she's so nervous when she teaches that her hands shake.
Which is fine... if you're teaching 5th graders. But not fine when you're teaching me. Because I get bored.

Work... was fine. I work with delightful people.

Then I left 10 minutes early, got taco bell and hauled ass back to campus where I had my women and religion course.
I like it a lot.
A lot a lot.
There's this group of 5 ladies who are auditing the course. They're all 60+.
They choose one class a semester to audit, then they all do it together.
I love it. It's beautiful.

Now I'm at home hoping these benadryls kick in because I have to work at 6am. Which sucks. A lot.
But hey, it's money and I'm hoping for a killer paycheck.... because I have to pay rent. harumph.
Being a grown up is no fun.

So now, I'm watching The Last Kiss and thinking of NFG lyrics that having been meaningful today...
I've been so emo... all I've wanted to do is tell Him about my day, my classes, how my audition was a let down, talk to him about how I'm worried about my mom's health and such... I just want to talk to him. Tell him how sorry I am, and how I've changed/how I'm changing, and just... be near him.
And then I start crying, because I know that can't happen, because he's changed so much for the worse, and I know I won't want to be around him without wishing he was the boy I used to know, instead of the frat boy he is now.

I don't want to hate him and I don't want him to hate me.
It just sucks. A lot.

In other news, I've been doing a lot of praying, a lot of talking to God, a lot of crying to God...
It's so strange, because I haven't been an avid pray-er in a long time.
But it feels good.
I really really want to tap into that part of me again, but I don't know how.
I don't know how to make the person I am now match the person I was or the person I would like to be.
I can't match "devout" and "bar hopper". I can't match "roller derby badass" and "church go-er."
I just don't know how to do it.

I guess first things first, I could try.

which makes me hear Yoda's voice 'do or do not, there is no try'... which makes me think of Drew and makes me mad. which... God, is there nothing sacred anymore? Everything reminds me of SOMEONE.

anyway.
tomorrow = work at 6am, intro to anthro at 9:30, greek civ at 11, orch at 3 and derby at 7. whew.
not quite as crazy as today, but close.
I need new bike tires stat so I can ride my bike instead of drive my car. I would get to class so much faster. Walking from the apartment to Strong takes like, 20 minutes. Which sucks in this heat.

yeah... I'ma go now.
reading and sleeping are calling.

Never love anybody who treats you like you're ordinary.
-Oscar Wilde.


"What do you do when someone stops loving you?"
"Well, you cry a little, and then you wait for the sun to come out. It always does."
-The Sound of Music.

I'm dying.
Last night was too much and nearly killed me.
Okay, I'm exaggerating.
But still.

I had 2 sparks and a shot of Sailor.
That damn sailor.... ALWAYS makes me sick.
And let's just be honest here, that's not even close to the most I've had to drink in one night as of late.
So, I'm really upset it got me so sick.

T: Well, what did you have to eat today?
Me: Not much.
T: Well, there you go.

I slept until almost 1pm, I'm drinking water and I ate a corndog.
I have to work at 3:30, though, so I'm really hoping to feel better STAT.

Last night was really... awkward and strange.
I have this conundrum where I really enjoy seeing people I enjoy- but in order to do that in such a social situation, I have to see people I don't enjoy/make me feel uncomfortable... Like girls who continued to text my boyfriend when he and I were together... Listen, honey, I'm not going to pretend we're friends when I actually want to punch your face in.
Sigh.

He was there, of course, where else would he be.
He had to play the role of Prizzle last night. And he sure did a great job.
He was mean and mouthy and awful and I told him so.... via text from the back of the house, because I didn't want to deal with him and his stupid fraternity friends and their fucking mouths.

I'm just so tired of being angry and bitter, and I just want him to love me and come back to me- is that too much to ask?
Ughhh, I cried last night.
I got sad drunk and it was awful.
T is a wonderful friend. I cried and said pathetic things like "I just want him to love me- why doesn't he love me?"
And she would be nice to me and empathize...

I don't know what God's plan is in this mess of a life.... but I don't get how the puzzle pieces fit together.
I know we don't see the puzzle- it's too big for us.
But it would be nice to have some sneak peeks on occasion...

Contrary to the apparent popular belief, I am not stupid.
And I do not appreciate being spoken to as such.

For now, that's all.

I can't really begin to describe how excited I am for this semester.
Everything is just... different now.
It's all new for real this time. :)

No more crazy sorority drama, no more crazy fraternity drama, no more crazy boyfriend drama.
It's just me now.
For the first time.

Wow... that's true.
For the first time, my college education is just about ME and my future.
It's not about some greek organization or a failing relationship with a guy.
It's just about my success.

That's so awesome.

(yep, just had an epiphany.)

ANYWAY.
Classes.
I'm taking:
Latin 101.
Intro to Anthro. (with Dave Byers, my field supervisor from jordan. haha)
Orchestra.
Greek Civ.

I was going to take Women In Islam with Dr Walker.... but it's on Thursday nights, and I have practice.
I might email the team to see if I can still take the class and still be on the team.
I'd rather skate than read books... but it's a subject I'm into...


well. that's enough for now. I'm STARVING.
I've been awake for 3 hours and I've only had 2 glasses of orange juice.

You went away
Cos you said that you can't stand me
So I went away
I was sure that you can't stand me
Well I don't think we have to be like this forever
Is there more to life than love and being together?
You went away
Cos you said you couldn't love me
And I went away
Cos all I do is love you
Well I don't think we have to be like this forever
There's more to life than love and being together
When my loud guitar comes in
When my thumpin' drums come through
When my loud guitar comes in
When my thumpin' drums come through
My loud guitar comes in
My thumpin' drums come through
Well I don't think we have to be like this forever
There's more to life than love and being together
There's more to life than love and being together
Is there more to life than love and being together?
I went away

You Went Away - Tegan and Sara

I'm a rookie.
A newbie. Fresh meat. One of the new girls. A trainee...

Whatever you call me, this is my 4th week of training, and I'm not on a team yet.
Recently the rooks and I realized that we won't even get to skate a bout until next season.
Almost a YEAR without skating a bout.
I guess it certainly takes some amount of pressure off....
But training straight into practice for 4-5 months with no bouts AND paying dues.
Crazy.

What's even more crazy is that I'm willing to do it.
I am willing to not skate a bout just so that someday, I can have a taste of the action.

God willing, though, after we're done training, and we've taken our skills tests, the Vets will finally consider us to be IN.
Right now, we're in this limbo where some of the vets will talk to us, and some of them won't- it's mostly "we're not getting to know you till you're in."
Which, I understand.
Let's look at this from a (god forbid) sorority stand point.
This would be seen as hazing- but why get to know girls if you don't even know they're going to get through initiation?

Derby really is a bit like greek life.
Bylaws, dues, calling each other "sisters", hazing.... (except, let's be honest here, all the real hazing we do to ourselves- we joined a sport where it's awesome to fall down because you're going balls to the wall, or get pushed down, and get quick healing injuries....)

It's interesting.
And I love it so much.

We have practice tomorrow.
I was going to buy my pads today- but unforeseen circumstances made it so I can't. Which totally blows, since it's out of my hands.
My landlord from last year STILL hasn't gotten our deposit checks to us.
$375 I could be putting to good use... skates, pads, taking my cat to have a check up, an oil change, etc....
I need that money asap.
And more importantly, I need those pads asap, because i won't be able to learn falling drills without them.

Here's hoping the check comes in soon!
And by soon I mean, yesterday.

You are a spoiled, selfish baby who knows nothing other than fraternity, band, dropping/failing classes and spending his parent's money.

When you're 19 and a college freshman, your parents tell you "don't get a credit card, it's a bad idea."
But you're 19, and therefore, know everything.
So, you get one.
Or two.
Or three.
And then you proceed to buy things, and pay the low monthly balance of $20 a month... and then you keep buying things. $100 there... $100 here... and you think it's free money.
Until you realize you're 19, stupid and in way over your head.
Sure. $1600 isn't that much in the grand scheme of credit card debt.... but when you're a sophomore in college without a job- it's a shit ton.
So, you're a junior, you live off campus, you get a job, you work, you get paychecks, you pay rent and bills and for gas and for booze... and at the end of the month you realize, oh, shit, I don't have the minimum monthly payment of a low $20 a month.
And then you miss your first payment.
So, you pay twice the amount the next month- but you don't get to eat or drive, really, because your dumb ass bought 970 pizzas (figuratively) when you were 19 because your friends were hungry and you had plastic in the form of Mastercard.

So, now you're 25.
You're looking to get a new grown up apartment.
But when you were 19, you ruined your credit.
So, you need a cosigner- but your parents are so tired of bailing you out, that they say no. HELL no- we aren't cosigning for you. They delicately remind you "We have XXXXXX amount of parent loans for you and we're not doing it anymore. Remember the last time we cosigned for you? You spent rent money on things that weren't rent, and we had to bail you out and we're not doing it again."

So, even though you're a savvy, smart, wonderful 25 year old grown up who pays her bills on time now, because you're not an idiot anymore, you're stuck.
So, you beg your landlord "No, I have a job and I work 30 hours week and I have 8,000 bucks in student loans coming in for both semesters, so I don't need a cosigner."
He obliges, because he's wonderful.

However, you studied abroad this summer.
It was wonderful, the best experience of your life.
BUT. You still owe $2,200 for your wonderful semester abroad.
You currently have $12 your mother gave you to have your car inspected.

So you apply for private loans and get denied, because your 19 year old self really needed those Victoria's Secret bras. (Nevermind that they still exist today and you can still wear them....)
So, your parents won't cosign.
So, under the direction of your mother- you ask her brother, your uncle.
But he and his wife decide no, sorry, it's not appropriate to step in where your parents wouldn't.

Back to the beginning.
You need a cosigner. You don't have one. No one will do it because you're a liability.

But wait! The winds of fate have change- your uncle WILL do it.
Unfortunately though, even his perfect credit won't get you this high security loan.
So you add Gramma's name...
But everything was in grampa's name.. and Gramma doesn't have a credit history.
So, that doesn't work.

So, you change the kind of loan you're asking for.
Still no dice.

Uncle presents three options:
Open a credit card and put the balance on the card and pay it off with your fall student loan.
Get a credit-worthy 2nd cosigner.
Call financial aid and beg them to take a large down payment and set up a payment schedule after that.

So, you try to open a credit card.
But you can't. Because you were 19 and bought sushi and jeans and didn't pay it off at the end of the month like you said you were going to.
You email financial aid because you're too much of a weenie to call because you know they'll say no. (Plus, you reason, that the woman you emailed is the VP of FinAid and she knows her stuff.)
But a 2nd cosigner? You'd have more luck designer the next space shuttle. (Which you can't do, because you're bad at math....)

So, you're here now. Wondering if you're going to get to take classes.
Wondering if you're going to have to be one of the thousands of students a year who drops out for a semester to pay for the semester previous.... and you have just one semester left.

So. now it's up to you to build your credit. With the card companies who won't give you the time of day.
Because our economy is SO good!


So. you don't give up, of course, because giving up is lame.
But you also need to evaluate your next step- because classes start in one week...

'You mean impossible.'
'No, impassable. Nothing's impossible.'
--Alice in Wonderland

I'll be honest.
I still miss my nerd.

However.
This break up has made me realize how awesome I am. (take that statement with a grain of salt- I'm going to explain.)

I am capable- something I didn't think I was because He did everything for me.
At first it was to make him feel like a big strong man... but then it was just because I actually thought I was incapable.
Let me tell you, I might not be able to fix wired-into-the-building-smoke alarms- but damnit, no one can rip it out of the ceiling like I can.
I've put together furniture, and taken apart furniture. I've moved furniture by myself. I drove a u-haul truck. I killed spiders with my hands.

I am strong.
I have weather storm after storm of life's tsunami and I've won the battle everyday. (After all- I'm awake, alive and alert, am I not? haha)
I have dealt with family ordeals. I listened to my mom talk about my grandfather today (a sore subject even 3 years after his passing) and tell me of how he wasn't Superman. (Which, hello, he was my hero. So, hearing of his faults, shortcomings and mistakes was really really hard.) I have dealt with my crazy, hormonal, pregnant sister in law, and my parents pretending I don't exist so I'll grow up and get on with life. (harsh, but necessary... and difficult when your family still calls you 'Mellie Kaye' and still calls you the 'baby of the family'. I'm 25- clearly I'm not the baby anymore....)
I've dealt with being told I can't take classes.... then, I can take classes... then I can't take classes... and on and on and on so that I've nearly become desensitized to the whole situation.
I've been told I can't have loans because my credit is too bad/not active/my credit history isn't full enough... so I got a cosigner. And then a second one... And I was told my second cosigner wasn't enough. Then I was told I applied for the wrong loan. So we fixed it. Only to be told the same crap all over again.

Even when I was WITH Him, I weather storms... storms like, lying girls who got me kicked out of my degree program and the education department... girls who made it necessary I hire a lawyer just to finish my degree.... So I started a new one.
And then I went to Jordan. And I lived through that- even with a boyfriend at home who wouldn't talk to me and treated me like I was a burden.
*Jordan was the best experience of my life thus far, and I'll be damned if anyone ever treats me like I'm a burden again, because I am worth your time and I am worth the effort and if you don't think so, too bad for you. You'll be missing out on a fierce and loyal friend who will laugh at all your jokes, even if they're dumb (because let's face it, I even love dumb humor), I will run to your rescue anytime you need it, I will give my last penny to make you cupcakes on your birthday because you are IMPORTANT to me and you deserve to know it. But I don't have to defend my friendship to any of you, because YOU are incredible people and I keep you in my life for a reason. ;D See, you help keep me strong- and I hope I do the same for you.

I joined a sport I knew nothing about aside from cinematic adventures with Drew Barrymore, I grew a pair and put on some skates and tried. I fell in love with something other than a person....(For the record, I really haven't felt this way about anything since I was in guard and wind ensemble.)
I've begun to make new friends- I prayed for incredible people and let me tell you- God did not disappoint. I am surrounded by the most amazing people. I am blessed. (And crying, just in case you're wondering! haha)
I'm all choked up writing about what a lucky girl I am.

Most of all, I am hopeful.
I was hopeful when we were together... but it was superficial. Hopeful I'd see him, talk to him, kiss him... someday marry him.
Now I'm hopeful that things will work out for me because I am honest and I work hard.
I am hopeful that with hard work, I'll get a spot on the AllStars team.
I am hopeful that I can be just as great a friend as mine are to me.
I am hopeful I'll get to hang out with my friends from home.... and I'll get to hold my new nephew soon.
I am hopeful for MY future. Not ours, but MINE. Because it's mine, not anyone else's, and if anyone is going to make anything happen- it is me.


I am proud of myself.
And I'm so happy I can say that. :)


that is all.
<3<3

I posted this as a comment on a blog about real women have curves. I'm so tired of people posting that real women have curves- leaving out the fact that there are millions of women out there who are tiny, wee little things who are shaped like boards, and therefore do not have curves. But, does that make them any less of a woman? HELL no.
So. Here's what a wrote:

I don't really even know what criteria we can establish for what a "real woman" is. Does a real woman have a full time job, or is she a stay at home mom? Is she single or attached? Gay or straight? Thin or thick? Young or old? Synthetic or flesh/bone/membrane? Does she have a god-given vagina or something created in a operating room after months/years of hormone therapy? Do real women veil because of religious belief, or do real women not give into religious hype? Do real women protest abortion clinics, or believe that abortion is for one and all?

Do you see where I'm going here? We are SO much more than our curves. We are more than how we look, what we wear, what color our hair is, our piercings and tattoos- we're women, and I think that's damn fine enough.
I think that's what we have and we should start using it to our advantage, and quite honestly, I am sick and tired of women bashing each other- shouldn't we be lifting each other up?

I recently joined a roller derby league- and I have never met a more incredible group of women. All different shapes and sizes, and different lifestyles, jobs, preferences.... See, in Derby, your size is a blessing. The way you're shaped is only helpful. And your team knows that.
Thank God for Roller Derby.

And Thank God for women. Because we are a forced to be reckoned with.

I want to let go of my anger and my hurt and my bitterness, but I don't know how to do it.
I am so tired of being hostile and scared and fragile all the time.
I want to heal and I want to get over things, but I don't know how.

The only times I don't hurt or I don't feel angry or bitter is when I'm with my girls or I'm skating.
God, I love skating.
It's saving me.
Who knew I'd find a sort of salvation with a pair of roller skates?

Dear You.

I've been having some enlightening conversations with your fraternity brothers about you. Listening to them talk makes me wonder who you've become in my absence--because it's apparently not a good sort of person.

It makes me sad. The boy I fell in love with would watch the Sandlot with me until the wee hours of the morning. He'd be excited to hold my hand, and see my face, and hear my voice. The boy I fell in love with started becoming a man in front of my eyes. The man you started to become encouraged me to run away to the desert, and pursue something I was interested in, something I actually cared about for once in a long while.
But this boy... The one you are now, the one you're becoming, is only interested in the physical aspects of women. He calls his ex girlfriend a "prude" and lies about what they did or didn't do. He makes people believe that she isn't what she IS.
This boy assumes and judges and drinks and gains beer weight and hangs out with awful people who also drink their troubles away and only bitch about their problems instead of fixing them. This boy is hateful and rude and two-faced.

You are not the boy I fell in love with. You are not the boy I wanted to spend my life with, or kiss or hold or say "goodnight handsome" to every night.
You are becoming the kind of guy who will go to a bar, and get depressed because no one hits on you, and you'll go home alone and no, you won't get laid. Because no one wants to have sex with a hateful asshole who drinks away his pain.

You are now the boy who doesn't realize how lucky he was. I wanted to give it all to you, and I'm so glad I never did. Because this would hurt all that much more.

You are becoming someone who disgusts his friends... his ex friends... all the people he's snubbed because his drinking buddies - who aren't friends, mind you- are more important than the people who would be content just to be in your presence.

And I was.
Maybe I smothered you a little- but it's because I wanted to be around you. I wanted your fun-loving hilarious personality to rub off on me- and it did. I took the best of you with me when I crossed the ocean to find myself.

You told me to go. You said it was awesome. You encouraged me when I put on my big girl panties and dealt with my life.
And while I was gone, you took for granted the amazing woman I was becoming and dismissed me for girls 5 years younger than me, just to see if they'd fuck you.

Well, congratulations, Boy. You're alone, you're unhappy and you're disgusting all of the incredible people in your life.

Love for who you used to be,
Me.

At this point, I just want to get my shit together and stop being a failure.
Is that too much to ask?

I'm a Debbie Downer today.
Thank God I'm skating tonight- I need it.

looking through old AIM conversations, messages we sent back and forth...

I've never stopped loving you.
Even after a year of not speaking.

I've always loved you.
I just wish you'd gotten your shit together long enough to love me out loud and without reservation or hesitation.

I want so desperately to get over this.

But when we have the same social circles and he shows up unexpectedly.... It's difficult.
I made my bed tonight.
My stuff smells like him.
I almost lost it.

Instead of then, I decide to lose it now... Night time is the worst. I so miss hearing "goodnight beautiful" "goodnight handsome, I'll see you in the morning." "I'll be dreaming of you until then."
Every night for a year,

And now, I'm going to sleep in this bed all alone.
And my pillows and sheets and bed all smell like him.

How does one get back to being alone and being okay?

Today is just a particularly bad day.
My birthday is coming up...
I'm going to be 25 in about 24 hours, and more than anything, I just wanted to spend it with N.
And since that's not a possibility, I probably won't celebrate it at all.
Who wants to be 25? I certainly don't.

I've been a real Debbie Downer lately, and it's because of all this.
I don't want to admit it out loud that I'm not okay, and this is way harder than expected.
I don't want to admit it, because all the strong women around me never let on that they have issues or they hurt or they're sad.

I don't know which is easier... Pretending you're fine or being a mess.

Duet - Rachael Yamagata and Ray Lamontagne

Oh Lover, hold on
'till I come back again
For these arms are growin' tired,
And my tales are wearing thin

If you're patient I will surprise,
When you wake up i'll have come

All the angerwill settle down
And we'll go do all the things we should have done

Yes I remember what we said
As we lay down to bed
I'll be here if you will only come back home

Oh lover, i'm lost
Because the road i've chosen beckens me away

Oh lover, don't you rome
Now i'm fighting words I never thought i'd say

But I remember what we said
As we lay down to bed
I'll forgive you oh
If you just come back home

Hmmm mmmm
Hmmmm mmmm

Oh lover, I'm old
You'll be out there and be thinking just of me

And I will find you down the road
And will return back home to where we're meant to be

'cause I remember what we said
As we lay down to bed
We'll be back soon as we make history.

Today I miss kissing.

Single Girls - Laura Jansen

I think you'd like my new hair
I cut it when you weren't there
that pieces of us everywhere
were falling down

My bed is now a girl's bed
Pink flowers under my head
and pillows on your side instead
of you

'Cause that's what single girls do
don't think about you

I'm reading books on meditation
Praying for my heart's salvation
I've got the motivation
to be a free girl now

I've gone drinking with the guy down the hall
put up a new color on my bare walls
I'm so damn busy
after all

'Cause that's what single girls do
don't think about you

I keep trying
I keep trying
to make my way back to the light where I belong
But God keeps lying
God keeps lying
saying this is for the best and nothing here is wrong

But I"m still thinking about you

I think you'd like my new hair
I cut it like I didn't care
that pieces of me everywhere
were falling down

One more glass of wine
before I turn off the lights
this time I'll be fine
I'll be fine
I'll be fine

This is hateful. But I am very bitter, still.

So.

Fuck all these new marriages.
Yay, I'm so happy you're starting lives blahblahblah.
But I'm not really.
Because I wanted it to be me.
I wanted to be planning my wedding- Halloween time, service a little before sunset so we can take photos with the perfect light, fall colors, knowing the perfect song to walk down the isle to, The Darkness pronouncing us husband and wife....

But I'm not.

I wanted a life with him.
And I still do.
And I want to hate him.
But I can't.
Because he has always been an incredible person, a wonderful friend and a really great boyfriend.

I can't help but feeling that I was the crazy girl in NFG's song 'my friends over you'... I was busy making plans and not talking to him about it, pretending that it was perfectly normal.

I still love him, and fucking hate it.
I HATE it.
It makes my heart hurt so much.
I want him, and he doesn't want me back.

Some things never change, I guess.