"always a bridesmaid, and never a bride"
how about, never a bridesmaid and never a bride...
because all girls hate me.
I shouldn't be surprised, but I guess I still am.
I think that if I, of all people, can let bygones be bygones, and forgive and forget after what happened to ME. Not to the people in my life, but to ME.
I have forgiven a lot of people.
I haven't forgiven SAI as a whole, or the music department or myself.
But, people in my life, I've forgiven. Because what's life without people in it?
And what's life without friends to celebrate joys, or mourn losses with?

I've forgiven, for the most part.
I'm working on the forgetting part.

After losing my membership in a fraternity I loved and devoted ALL my time to for FIVE years, after losing the charter of said fraternity, after being blamed for singlehandedly destroying said chapter, after being kicked out of my degree program with only 10 hours left before graduation, after practically being forced to move out of my previous residence for awkward and harsh feelings towards me (i tried my best. but when someone does a line of coke outside my window, and everyone avoids me with awkward silence... I'm out. Anyone else would've moved out too.), after I started an entirely new degree program, after realized I'll be an undergrad for almost TEN FUCKING YEARS, after being afraid someone would cut my brake lines, or jump out of a bush to beat the shit out of me, after hiring a lawyer and paying said lawyer $1500 of my Jordan money to fix my problems, after waiting and waiting (and still waiting) for said lawyer to fix my problems... after losing my love for playing music, for performing, for singing, after deciding I need to see a therapist because I have too much pent up anger (but not doing it, because I paid my lawyer $1500....)

I could go on and on.
But if I can forgive people after all that.
I think that I'm not the problem anymore.

I never thought I'd still be an undergrad after ten years.
How shameful.
How embarrassing.
How unbelievably unaccepted in all social circles.
Six years in the music department was embarrassing enough.
But 10 as an undergrad?
I have no words.

I'm dealing.
It's what I do.
But when someone says their heart is still healing and they're still holding grudges against stupid shit that doesn't even matter anymore (sorry.. I'm sure you're reading this. I have to write or I'll blow up. I don't mean to hurt your feelings. This really has nothing to do with you... okay, maybe a little...)... shit that HAS blown over, because people ignore it and ignore it until it shouldn't be a problem anymore.
(But it is.. that's pretty neat. I have to deal with a mother. Again. And not my mother. Even though the other mother called my mom and talked at her for a long, long time.... Childish. Oh... but, I bet the other mom is reading this too. Because she reads my xanga. Because she's not old enough to be a grandmother or anything, but still gets involved in stupid drama and won't let her kids live their own lives and make their own decisions/mistakes as adults.... Neato.)

Whatever.
I have a lot of anger I need to deal with, but the fact of the matter is- I'm getting on with my life, and if other people can't, when they've been through FAR less than me (assumptions, but who cares.).... I'm not the problem anymore.

I am NOT the problem anymore.

So, now that I've bitched, and I've written what, I'm sure, will be read and cried over and tattled to mommies about....
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Because goddamnit, I'm angry. And I'm upset. And I have the God-given, unalienable right to be.

And I'll say this right now: If you want to be my friend, you're going to have to come to me. Because as of almost 5 months ago- I have the right to assume that everyone hates me, and blames me for what happened. And if they don't, then I have been treated like the red-headed bastard step-child for way too long, and people need to grow up and get over it. (And I do assume that. Because people avoid eye contact, they walk the other direction, they pretend they're on the phone, they actively avoid me in social situations... and why? All I'll do is say hello to you. I'll ask how you are. And then I'll walk away, unless you actually want to say more.. because I don't like awkward conversation moments...)
So. You'll have to make the effort, because I wont. I think you hate me, more than likely.

Now I'm rambling.
Good day to you.

A few days apart was good for us, I think.
Or, I hope.

I think my biggest issue right now is that I don't feel needed.
I feel like a toy that can be picked up and played with once in a while- but when I'm just around to watch tv, I feel like an obligation, or a burden.
I really don't like to feel that way.

I'm considering giving him the link to this journal.
But even just considering that is making me double think everything I write.
He would be the only person in the world to have the link.
To know who I am, and to read with that knowledge.
Except for maybe E.... who, also has a blog, and I follow hers whilst she's across the ocean.
I rather like the anonymity...

In other news.
I'm desperately searching for an apartment.
All the ones I care to look at/live in are A, far away from campus or B, far out of my price range. I'd prefer not to pay more than $400 a month.
Apartments in Springfield are more around $500 and $600 a month. SIGH.
the ones in my price range are near campus, but I fear, rather shitty.

My plan was to see where the boy and his roommate are going to live next year.
But they haven't even started looking.
So, to plan my living arrangements around ones that aren't even plans to make plans yet.... was a mistake.

I'm being rather hateful today.
And you know... me being a jerkface is half the problem.
I'm sure he's getting really tired of deciphering my moods and attitudes...

Which I'm sure makes him tired.
And it makes me tired that he's tired.

And that's why we are where we are.
That's how we got here.
He's a dick, and I'm a dick and we haven't learned how to be dicks together.

I need some motivation today... I'm tired. And worn out. My weekend wasn't a weekend.

To see you when I wake up is a gift I didn't think could be real. To know that you feel the same as I do is a three-fold, Utopian dream. You do something to me that I can't explain, so would I be out of line if I said I miss you? I see your picture. I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine. You have only been gone ten days, but already I'm wasting away. I know I'll see you again, whether far or soon. But I need you to know that I care, and I miss you.
-"I Miss You" by Incubus.

I'm scared.
For the most part, I'm afraid. All the time.
People think I'm not because I hide it so well. But I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of how I feel for him.
I'm afraid that I'll be a failure at school... and while I know the last failure wasn't my fault, everyone blames me and then, therefore, I blame myself. Healthy right? yeah...
I am afraid I will never find what I'm actually supposed to be doing with my life.
I'm afraid that I'll never actually be happy.
I'm afraid I need to start seeing a therapist to start dealing with my anger and my fear, because I can't do it anymore.

And yes, I do this once a month. The week before my Lady Times start. I freak out. I cry. I write. I curl up in a ball, and I wish I'd never have to move again.
And then it goes away.
But it always comes back.
And I'm afraid it'll freak him out.
I told him that last night.

He takes things so personally, or laughs when he thinks my fears are unfounded... which, granted, most are, I'll admit that.
But they're real for the moment.

I'm constantly question what I'm doing, where I'm going, who I'm with... and I hate that.
I want to be content, and I want to be happy.
And I hate when I write this whiny bullshit... because tomorrow, I will feel better, and this post will be stupid.

I haven't showered today, and I have to leave for work in 10 minutes
Class, work, performance. Again. Yay.
It was a misunderstanding that led to me not showering...
He thought I said "I'll meet you here at 11:37."
I don't remember what I said at all.
So, I walked home from class, thinking he'd drop off my performance bag at my house, instead of pick me up from class.

And in class, I got my test back.
I got another C.
Thus proving that even when I study for entire weeks on one test, and forget everything else-- I still am mediocre.

It's a bad day.
And I want to take a mental health day.
I want to sleep, and watch a chick flick.
I want to ride my bike.
I want to see the sunshine for one goddamn day before it starts raining again.
but instead, my days are class, work, rehearsal/performance/homework... whatever pressing issue takes up my nights.

I'm stressed.
I'm afraid.
I'm angry.
I'm tired.

We apologize a lot.
We apologize for stupid things, non-stupid things, real things, silly fake things... We apologize a lot.
I wonder if that's normal.. Saying "I'm sorry" so often.

I worry a lot, usually about ridiculous things.
But I wonder if ridiculous things are actually real things before they grow up, before they develop.
I worry we'll run out of things to talk about. I worry we'll stop having fun. I worry we'll lose the spark. I worry that snoring will cease to be cute, and start being annoying, and I'll want to punch you in the face. I worry that you wont think I'm cute, or pretty anymore, or you'll find someone else more attractive than me.
I worry that my insecurities will get the best of me.

I am not worried, though... that you will run away because of my insecurities. Because I apologize. Because you apologize. Because I worry. Because I worry that you get jealous, so I downplay all my friendships with males so you won't think them important to me, when they actually are.

I worry that this isn't real. This isn't it.
I wonder if people in relationships actually worry and wonder as much as I do... Or think "is this it?" Because women always say, "when you know, you know."
What happens when it's "sometimes I know, and other times, I want to sell you to the mafia, because you are driving me insane, and I can't get anything accomplished with you around, and this is not it."

How does one know 'normal.'
Yes, normal is relative... Especially in relationships.
But after 10 months, shouldn't there be a constant? A normalcy?

My constant, I suppose is the good morning/night text messages when I'm not sleeping next to you.
The three/four kisses before we actually say goodbye.
Knowing I will always get a text from you, if I don't text you first.
That if I don't have money, or time to eat- you take care of me, because "we take care of each other. that's just what we do."
Knowing that if you knew I were writing this, and crying at the last statement, you would laugh, because you'd think it were cute.

Okay, so, maybe there's a constant. And maybe I just get scared that because I have crazy mood swings and my blood sugar is an issue and my attitude isn't always the sunniest... that you're going to find someone who's always sunny, and always stable...

I get angry, and irritated at you, because you make me feel like certain behaviors are okay, when they're not.
Like, not getting my homework done, or doing everything with mediocrity, or not getting enough sleep, or eating fast food all the time... or, whatever frat boy habits you have... you make me think that you don't know better.

And I know you're younger than me.
And I'm fairly certain that your mediocrity with school work is rebellion against your hard-ass dad.. which is understandable.
I should have more patience with you. Because everything you're going through, I've seen. Maybe I haven't been through it, but I've seen it.
And you should have more understanding with me. I need motivation and encouragement. That's just me. That's how I do.

I need you, too, though.
And maybe I want to sell you the mob sometimes.
But I also love you all the time...

Maybe that is my constant.

It's been a while.
Lots of things on my mind.
So I'll jot a few down.

Jordan.
Getting ready for Jordan has proved very stressful. Money is tight, time is tight... It's just a stressful time!
I need to make a list of everything I need to take care of in the next 50 days.
That's right.. 50 days.
I leave in 50 days.
That's incredible.
I never even thought this would be possible.
This whole experience has been mind boggling and a little crazy, but wonderful.
I guess I'll get on that soon, and start up my lists with my cat, my car, all my belongings going into storage, finding an apartment, putting down a deposit, finding money to pay for all of this...
I'm starting to think about writing a letter to my church at home, and people at home, and asking for donations.
I don't really like that idea, because I don't like the idea of asking for help- but I think that if my church family at home knows I'm doing "biblical archaeology", they'd be inclined to help.
It's not missions, but it's pretty awesome nonetheless.
I also need to decide if I'm deviating or not after the dig is over, because just changing my plane ticket will be $200... I need to find out how much monies I'm going to get from student loans... My trip alone is going to be about $3000.

In other news, it's time to get very serious about getting healthy.
I've started eating to my blood sugar, and it's made tremendous differences in my energy levels and my attitude, so that's wonderful.
But, just eating healthy has not made me lose any weight.
I'm super tired of my clothes fitting tight, and not being able to shop where my friends shop.
I want to feel better and look better. Losing weight is the key to both of those.
So, it's high time I get serious.
My only road block is the BF. It would be extremely helpful if he would be serious with me.
Totally sounds like an excuse when I write it out like that...
But when I hang out with the boys it's steak and beer, chips and potato salad-- all high calories and carbs and protein, protein, protein.
The BF really enjoys eating. A lot. And who can blame him, he's a 20 year old frat boy. It's what they do.
He says he's willing to eat healthy with me. But, I need real motivation to start the exercise portion of my life. I have no motivation, and I need a buddy to do it with me.
Hmm...
More thought on this part, and tomorrow, I start my food diary, and calorie/carb/sugar count.

Yes.
For now, that's all. I have a lot of homework to do! It's my goal to get As!

i am never broken.

I'm feeling very overwhelmed today.
with stress, with money issues, with emotions, with the jordan trip...

Stress.
I am stressed simply because everything is adding up right now.
I can definitely feel that it's time for Spring Break.
I am burdened with the thoughts of what the lawyer is dealing with, whether or not I'll get money, or I'll get to student teach...
I'm still questioning what I'm supposed to be doing in life...
I do feel like I'm supposed to be in this exact place right now, but what do I do after college? I'm great at college but not so great at real life.

Money.
Jordan is going to cost more than I expected because of all the preparation measures.
I have to find an apartment, move, pay a deposit and rent, find a place to keep my cat, buy clothes to wear in Jordan, buy a camelbak, hats, sunglasses, a camera, maybe a laptop, sunscreen, luggage, all the random things I've not even thought of yet.....
Not to mention my credit card is just increasing in percentage rate each month, and I can't afford half of it now, because I'm paying a lawyer. (But God bless Joe for not making me pay the full 5,000.. and only making me pay a fifth of that...)
I need a hair cut. I need jeans. I need socks and underwear. I'll need new shoes soon because my insoles are wearing down...
I'm wearing down...

Emotions.
I love the BF, and I want to know if this is going to be a lasting relationship or not...
I don't want to say anything hasty when I'm having a bad crying night, but it would just be nice to know what his intentions are and if he's ever going to stop being scared.
I'm really emotional tonight because Nicole is depressed, severely depressed about everything, and she's saying scary things- and I couldn't imagine losing her at all.
And I'm scared it's going to happen, because she can't see the good in her life.
I don't know what she needs, and I'm not sure I can give it to her.
She won't take my suggestions to see a counselor...
I'm scared and worried about her.
I'm going to go home for part of spring break. I need it, and I want to see Nicole and meet the twins and see my family.

I think I'm also overly emotional because of the spiritual journey I'm on this semester...
Ever since the happening with the fraternity/university... I've lost a lot of faith, because I can't see God's will in anything that happened.
So I'm either A, trying to convince myself that it's not real, religion is myth, it's all fake... or B, I'm in this place for a reason, and this major for a reason, and going to Jordan for a reason.. I just can't see it right now and it's FRUSTRATING because I don't understand.
I've never believed in coincidences, ever. And there's been too many of them this semester.
The last person to sign up and be accepted for the program was me?
The only classes open to take were ones in my 2nd concentration, that I wouldn't decide on until 5 weeks into the semester? (Did I mention they're also Old Testament and New Testament? And did I also mention because of them, I'm interested in getting a religious studies minor now?)
Or that Dane didn't have to let me into her class because it was entirely full? But did, and the same day, someone dropped, giving me a spot in the class?

I'm just... not convinced, but I am, still.
I don't understand.
And I'm over emotional.
And so tired.

I'm also old, and I'm reminded of that every day.
BF is 20.
Roommates are 20.
I'm old.
I'm going to be 25 this summer.
I'm going to lose my insurance this summer.
I'm going to freak out this summer because I won't know what to do....


okay.
i'm going to bed.
because i need to. i'm so tired.
i'm skipped my homework...
goodnight.


ps.
i wanted to post so I could post these lyrics...
and i'm still gonna do it.
because they brought me a little hope.
"i am never broken"
no one but BF has seen me this way.
so no one thinks i'm broken.
but i am....
i'm broken. but piecing myself back together, slowly.

Hands - Jewell

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken
In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
We are never broken
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are God's hands
We are God's hands

Today, I'm sad.