i am never broken.

I'm feeling very overwhelmed today.
with stress, with money issues, with emotions, with the jordan trip...

Stress.
I am stressed simply because everything is adding up right now.
I can definitely feel that it's time for Spring Break.
I am burdened with the thoughts of what the lawyer is dealing with, whether or not I'll get money, or I'll get to student teach...
I'm still questioning what I'm supposed to be doing in life...
I do feel like I'm supposed to be in this exact place right now, but what do I do after college? I'm great at college but not so great at real life.

Money.
Jordan is going to cost more than I expected because of all the preparation measures.
I have to find an apartment, move, pay a deposit and rent, find a place to keep my cat, buy clothes to wear in Jordan, buy a camelbak, hats, sunglasses, a camera, maybe a laptop, sunscreen, luggage, all the random things I've not even thought of yet.....
Not to mention my credit card is just increasing in percentage rate each month, and I can't afford half of it now, because I'm paying a lawyer. (But God bless Joe for not making me pay the full 5,000.. and only making me pay a fifth of that...)
I need a hair cut. I need jeans. I need socks and underwear. I'll need new shoes soon because my insoles are wearing down...
I'm wearing down...

Emotions.
I love the BF, and I want to know if this is going to be a lasting relationship or not...
I don't want to say anything hasty when I'm having a bad crying night, but it would just be nice to know what his intentions are and if he's ever going to stop being scared.
I'm really emotional tonight because Nicole is depressed, severely depressed about everything, and she's saying scary things- and I couldn't imagine losing her at all.
And I'm scared it's going to happen, because she can't see the good in her life.
I don't know what she needs, and I'm not sure I can give it to her.
She won't take my suggestions to see a counselor...
I'm scared and worried about her.
I'm going to go home for part of spring break. I need it, and I want to see Nicole and meet the twins and see my family.

I think I'm also overly emotional because of the spiritual journey I'm on this semester...
Ever since the happening with the fraternity/university... I've lost a lot of faith, because I can't see God's will in anything that happened.
So I'm either A, trying to convince myself that it's not real, religion is myth, it's all fake... or B, I'm in this place for a reason, and this major for a reason, and going to Jordan for a reason.. I just can't see it right now and it's FRUSTRATING because I don't understand.
I've never believed in coincidences, ever. And there's been too many of them this semester.
The last person to sign up and be accepted for the program was me?
The only classes open to take were ones in my 2nd concentration, that I wouldn't decide on until 5 weeks into the semester? (Did I mention they're also Old Testament and New Testament? And did I also mention because of them, I'm interested in getting a religious studies minor now?)
Or that Dane didn't have to let me into her class because it was entirely full? But did, and the same day, someone dropped, giving me a spot in the class?

I'm just... not convinced, but I am, still.
I don't understand.
And I'm over emotional.
And so tired.

I'm also old, and I'm reminded of that every day.
BF is 20.
Roommates are 20.
I'm old.
I'm going to be 25 this summer.
I'm going to lose my insurance this summer.
I'm going to freak out this summer because I won't know what to do....


okay.
i'm going to bed.
because i need to. i'm so tired.
i'm skipped my homework...
goodnight.


ps.
i wanted to post so I could post these lyrics...
and i'm still gonna do it.
because they brought me a little hope.
"i am never broken"
no one but BF has seen me this way.
so no one thinks i'm broken.
but i am....
i'm broken. but piecing myself back together, slowly.

Hands - Jewell

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken
In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
We are never broken
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are God's hands
We are God's hands

Today, I'm sad.