"always a bridesmaid, and never a bride"
how about, never a bridesmaid and never a bride...
because all girls hate me.
I shouldn't be surprised, but I guess I still am.
I think that if I, of all people, can let bygones be bygones, and forgive and forget after what happened to ME. Not to the people in my life, but to ME.
I have forgiven a lot of people.
I haven't forgiven SAI as a whole, or the music department or myself.
But, people in my life, I've forgiven. Because what's life without people in it?
And what's life without friends to celebrate joys, or mourn losses with?

I've forgiven, for the most part.
I'm working on the forgetting part.

After losing my membership in a fraternity I loved and devoted ALL my time to for FIVE years, after losing the charter of said fraternity, after being blamed for singlehandedly destroying said chapter, after being kicked out of my degree program with only 10 hours left before graduation, after practically being forced to move out of my previous residence for awkward and harsh feelings towards me (i tried my best. but when someone does a line of coke outside my window, and everyone avoids me with awkward silence... I'm out. Anyone else would've moved out too.), after I started an entirely new degree program, after realized I'll be an undergrad for almost TEN FUCKING YEARS, after being afraid someone would cut my brake lines, or jump out of a bush to beat the shit out of me, after hiring a lawyer and paying said lawyer $1500 of my Jordan money to fix my problems, after waiting and waiting (and still waiting) for said lawyer to fix my problems... after losing my love for playing music, for performing, for singing, after deciding I need to see a therapist because I have too much pent up anger (but not doing it, because I paid my lawyer $1500....)

I could go on and on.
But if I can forgive people after all that.
I think that I'm not the problem anymore.

I never thought I'd still be an undergrad after ten years.
How shameful.
How embarrassing.
How unbelievably unaccepted in all social circles.
Six years in the music department was embarrassing enough.
But 10 as an undergrad?
I have no words.

I'm dealing.
It's what I do.
But when someone says their heart is still healing and they're still holding grudges against stupid shit that doesn't even matter anymore (sorry.. I'm sure you're reading this. I have to write or I'll blow up. I don't mean to hurt your feelings. This really has nothing to do with you... okay, maybe a little...)... shit that HAS blown over, because people ignore it and ignore it until it shouldn't be a problem anymore.
(But it is.. that's pretty neat. I have to deal with a mother. Again. And not my mother. Even though the other mother called my mom and talked at her for a long, long time.... Childish. Oh... but, I bet the other mom is reading this too. Because she reads my xanga. Because she's not old enough to be a grandmother or anything, but still gets involved in stupid drama and won't let her kids live their own lives and make their own decisions/mistakes as adults.... Neato.)

Whatever.
I have a lot of anger I need to deal with, but the fact of the matter is- I'm getting on with my life, and if other people can't, when they've been through FAR less than me (assumptions, but who cares.).... I'm not the problem anymore.

I am NOT the problem anymore.

So, now that I've bitched, and I've written what, I'm sure, will be read and cried over and tattled to mommies about....
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Because goddamnit, I'm angry. And I'm upset. And I have the God-given, unalienable right to be.

And I'll say this right now: If you want to be my friend, you're going to have to come to me. Because as of almost 5 months ago- I have the right to assume that everyone hates me, and blames me for what happened. And if they don't, then I have been treated like the red-headed bastard step-child for way too long, and people need to grow up and get over it. (And I do assume that. Because people avoid eye contact, they walk the other direction, they pretend they're on the phone, they actively avoid me in social situations... and why? All I'll do is say hello to you. I'll ask how you are. And then I'll walk away, unless you actually want to say more.. because I don't like awkward conversation moments...)
So. You'll have to make the effort, because I wont. I think you hate me, more than likely.

Now I'm rambling.
Good day to you.