I'm scared.
For the most part, I'm afraid. All the time.
People think I'm not because I hide it so well. But I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of how I feel for him.
I'm afraid that I'll be a failure at school... and while I know the last failure wasn't my fault, everyone blames me and then, therefore, I blame myself. Healthy right? yeah...
I am afraid I will never find what I'm actually supposed to be doing with my life.
I'm afraid that I'll never actually be happy.
I'm afraid I need to start seeing a therapist to start dealing with my anger and my fear, because I can't do it anymore.

And yes, I do this once a month. The week before my Lady Times start. I freak out. I cry. I write. I curl up in a ball, and I wish I'd never have to move again.
And then it goes away.
But it always comes back.
And I'm afraid it'll freak him out.
I told him that last night.

He takes things so personally, or laughs when he thinks my fears are unfounded... which, granted, most are, I'll admit that.
But they're real for the moment.

I'm constantly question what I'm doing, where I'm going, who I'm with... and I hate that.
I want to be content, and I want to be happy.
And I hate when I write this whiny bullshit... because tomorrow, I will feel better, and this post will be stupid.

I haven't showered today, and I have to leave for work in 10 minutes
Class, work, performance. Again. Yay.
It was a misunderstanding that led to me not showering...
He thought I said "I'll meet you here at 11:37."
I don't remember what I said at all.
So, I walked home from class, thinking he'd drop off my performance bag at my house, instead of pick me up from class.

And in class, I got my test back.
I got another C.
Thus proving that even when I study for entire weeks on one test, and forget everything else-- I still am mediocre.

It's a bad day.
And I want to take a mental health day.
I want to sleep, and watch a chick flick.
I want to ride my bike.
I want to see the sunshine for one goddamn day before it starts raining again.
but instead, my days are class, work, rehearsal/performance/homework... whatever pressing issue takes up my nights.

I'm stressed.
I'm afraid.
I'm angry.
I'm tired.