I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.
I should've been blogging my thoughts, but I made lists of them instead... Which, is kind of like blogging, but not quite, since it's in my yellow pocket notebook and note here.
regardless.
Thoughts thoughts thoughts.
Mostly of the serious variety.
I guess my first thought is that I keep thinking about deleting this blog, because I don't want to remember all the crap I had to go through in my break up with Nate.
But then, in the same moment, I'll cherish those moments, because they're preparing me for something greater.
Maybe a greater love.
A greater relationship.
More adventures.
I'm not sure. But I know it's preparing me for something. And for that, I am grateful.
I've been thinking a lot about love... Whether or not it exists... whether or not I'll find it in the capacity that I so strongly desire.
With Nate, I thought "this is it. things will never be better than this because it is so perfect."
I have a hard time thinking that anything could be better than what we had; but I know it will be.
Because that's life. Sometimes you don't realize the struggle until it's too late, but since you've already fought through them, there's no turning back.
Such too, are relationships.. Struggles. A big choppy pool of water to swim through.
There are days that the sky is clear, the sun is out and the water is still. A perfect day.
And there are days when the storms are raging, there's lightning, and you're afraid.
Those kinds of days might sneak up on the unsuspecting lover- but it's always evident to the unhappy one.
I apparently made Nate unhappy, but I had no idea- when someone tells you they're happy and nothing is wrong, and they make a good case of it, you believe them.
When something is wrong with a relationship, you tell your partner....
I don't want to make it out to be either of our faults. We just weren't right together.
It was great. It was good. Sometimes, it was pretty rough.
And I think that my optimism and his pessimism were the end of things.
I kept saying things would be okay, and he kept saying they wouldn't.
We're just different is all.
We both have so much to learn about life, and about love and about ourselves.
And maybe his journey includes any variations of 'hers'... but mine includes me.
Me, my books, my travels, my music.
And I'm coming to terms with that.
I'm coming to terms with that fact that I'm not who I need to be in order to be loved the way I want- no, need- to be.
I'm best when I'm being loved, I really am.
Being loved really keeps me from being an asshole all the time... It reminds me that I'm not really crazytown or a meanie.. That I'm just wary.
I generally have a very hard exterior, and a very high wall.
Yes, it keeps people out, and yes, I'm aware it keeps me out of friendships and relationships that have great potential.
I'm just very wary of people and their ability to hurt me.
So, if I come off as a bitch, then they won't take the chance.
And that's so sad when you spell it out like that, I know. I get it.
But that's really how I've always been. I'm sure there's some psychobabble that could analyze it.. like, how I've apparently always been a skeptic, and wary of people and I have trust issues.. but it's fine. I figure things out. That's how I do.
I dunno. I'm just rambling now.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about religion and spirituality and faith and different belief systems.
I think when you break it down to it's basics: religion is universal, and all the gods/Gods are pretty much the same one God. The basis for your individual faith demands very strongly on where you live. If you're an American, a lot of people are 'christians'.. lots of methodist, baptist, catholic... If you're from Israel, you're Jewish.. if you're from the middle east, more often than not Muslim.
What I haven't figure out quite yet is...
Well, who am I kidding? I've only figured out that much so far, and everything else is oblivion.
I guess what I'm saying is that I yearn for that kind of something in my life.
I grew up Baptist, I've been going to church since I was in the womb... singing for church audiences since the young age of 3... leading youth groups, singing in praise band..
And I wonder if it's more of a feeling that 'this is home' rather than a feeling of 'yeah, this God character is a pretty solid cat.'
I haven't figured it out yet.
Everyone always says when the Spirit moves, you'll feel it in your heart.
But what if it's not? What if that's just my yearning to be unconditionally loved and forgiving?
I have such serious doubts about this religion business.
I've heard that if you don't doubt, then you can't believe.. or something like that.
It's all just so confusing and convoluted, and I'm just.. I'm not really interested in being part of the mainstream Christian movements.
There's too much judgment and hate and anger for it to be a religion of love and light and.. i dunno, happiness?
I just can't understand how I could believe in the same God that people like Brother Jed believe in.
Or the people who picket funerals.
Or the people who judge someone for.. well, anything, really.
I'm just.. for better lack of a word- I'm in limbo.
I want to believe in this business.. but half of me thinks it's nonsense and culty, and the other half of me thinks it might be legit.
But dammit, all those religious/faithful/spiritual people are so happy all the time.
Maybe that's what I miss.. the bliss of believing in something instead of having a heavy heart all the time.
Gah.
I don't know.
I'm just... skeptical, about everything, it seems.
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