My eating habits are shitty.
I really like soda.
And drinking, as it were.

Here's what I've done for the last like... 3 hours.

(508): Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?

‎(857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

(720): o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

(416): you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

(732): i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

(607): Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

(910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars (910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

(505): Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

(i had to make sure this one wasn't me.. i double checked the area code like, 4 times.)
(801): Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

(413): i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

(917): you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
(720): ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
(917): no it doesn't.

(978): just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors