I'm a real sad panda.
But I won't say it out loud.

Two funerals were too much.
Seeing my dad cry for the second and third time in my whole life was too much.
Helping my sister in law pick out flowers for my gramma's casket... too much.
(Knowing my sister in law knew my grandmother better than me is almost too much.)
Being the only one in my family who cracks inappropriate jokes at funerals is... awkward. (I think my family secretly appreciates that I will openly say while sobbing "I hate that stupid jacket you buried gramma in." ...it made them all laugh.)
Still being broken over Nate is too much.. especially when dealing with funerals.

I'm just hurty.. and if it weren't for derby and my crazy derby family... I would be a hot mess. Even more than I usually am.

Today was the perfect kind of day.
I slept in, hung out with Amy and Ellen, watched movies, chatted did a bit of homework, skated twice, bought pumpkins to carve and cupcake supplies... but never got around to it, because we had too much fun.
It's just my kind of day.
I had to bail on plans with another derby girl because, well... I don't think things like Oktoberfest are my scene anymore.
I need to get out of college and stop self medicating with booze and dicking around on the internet.
I want a real job.
I want a real relationship.

Amy's ex has been trying to get in touch with her lately.
I wish I had better advice for her.. but I don't. Because I'm still a mess in that area of life.
I'd like to say that if Nate called me right now and asked to get coffee, I'd go.
But I don't know if I would.
I'm sure some Freudian part of me is avoiding the stuff transfer, because that will mean it's over.
I logically know that Nate needs to do a bit of growing up, and getting over the fraternity part of his life so he can at least get admitted into his degree program...
And I can't help with those things.
Sure. I was a killer girlfriend- I constantly told him how handsome he was, and how incredible he was and smart and talented and blah blah blah. I helped him get past his crazy insecurities and his self-confidence issues...
But the only thing he can focus on are the times where I made him "feel like absolute shit."
(Sorry, kid, sometimes you deserved it, because I felt like that a lot, and never said anything.)

I don't even really know how to feel anymore.
Not seeing him, not being around his friends.. it's great.
I like the not-talking and the not seeing him... But I know if I do see him, it's hard.
Really hard.
The last time I saw him, he was driving past me as I pulled out of the HHPA... He drove like a bat out of hell to get away from me.
I don't know what hurts worse- knowing he didn't care enough about me to fight for our relationship, or knowing, now, that he can't stand the sight of me and will go to any lengths to get away from me while on the road.

I just miss it, I guess.
The IT.
That connection. That love.

I don't need anyone to tell me I'm pretty or smart or talented, because I know I am.
I know that I'm worth it. All of it. The chase, the love, the fact that someone will fight for me.

I am perfectly aware that I am complete, whole, without someone trying to complete me.
It's boys that need to figure out I need a partner- someone to compliment me, instead of try to make me whole.
I am whole. I'm my own person. I have my own life. I don't need someone trying to complete me.

I just want someone to support and encourage me, and to remind me that yes, I am smart and pretty and awesome when I forget.
I know I can get that from family and friends.. But sometimes, I just want to be held and kissed while they reassure me.

And I really want to do that for someone else.

He broke it off right when we could've made it great.
Maybe that's what pisses me off the most.
That instead of trying to change and fix whatever he thought needed changing and fixing... he bailed.

Well.
Enough of this. I need to get some sleep, because I'm getting emotional about something that doesn't deserve my emotions anymore.