Injury.

Injury isn't something we derby girls talk about.
Sure, we like to compare horror stories of things that are already past us... things we've already battled through and won.

But what about when we're going through it?
What about when your knee is bruised and swollen, trapped inside an immobilizing brace while you hobble around on crutches and you're baked on codeine, crying because you can't sleep, but you don't want to get up to go pee?

It's a lonely world, the injured world.
I have had incredible teammates come hang out with me, bring me soup, bring me all-natural bruise remedies...
But those moments when you're stuck on the couch (or orchestra rehearsal) getting Twitter updates from the game the All-Stars are playing in CoMo... well, those are hard.

In case you're wondering, yes. We're talking about my knee.
It's incredibly difficult to be a rookie who hasn't played her first game yet.. and to get injured the first night we skate on our new floor, right before rosters are decided for our first Battle Broads game...
I can look back and think "I should've bought those 187s.. if I had, I wouldn't have fucked up my knee in these protecs."
"If I would've gone to open skate, I could've gotten used to the floor before practice..."

But if I'm being honest, I did everything correctly during the pack drill, and that's why I hurt my knee.
Someone hit me, blocking for their jammer, I went down to a one-knee fall. My knee/kneepad stuck, and the rest of me kept going.
So I, of course, being uncouth with the vocabulary of a sailor, yelled choice curse words, and covered my face with my hand.
I do not accept defeat and I do not openly admit I'm hurt; Thursday night, I threw my helmet.

Eventually, I crawled/hobbled off the track and I sat around for a while with ice on my knee. It wasn't until I started thinking that I have to go on LOA, and if I do, then I won't be eligible for rostering for the Ft Smith game that I finally started to cry. So I headed to the bathroom, took off my shorts and tights, and sat on the floor and cried. And cried. And watched my knee swell up. And cried.
I am not a crier.. but my knee looked like this:



...and that's before it actually started swelling. By the time I got to the ER (thanks to my derby wife's mad driving skills, and good rapport with her hospital staff), it looked like this.



When you get injured, no one talks about how scary it is - not just to be injured in general - but to have to decide for yourself, for your team, what's better.. To play on an injury? Or to sit out and heal? Having to decide if your injury is bad enough to visit the ER, or if you can wait until later...
having to decide should you even go to the ER when you don't have insurance?
(Thinking about paying those bills while sitting in the wheelchair, being wheeled to the X-ray room...)

But what about life after injury?
I don't know anything about it, because rollergirls don't typically talk about their fears or their worries.
Well.
I'm one rollergirl who is all about talking, and putting my feelings out there.
And I'll be blogging about this injury. Because in all the injury blogs I've read about derby, they only talk about "doing what's because for the team might be what's best for you too" etc etc etc.

Horseshit.

Doing what's best for the team right now means I'll be sitting on my ass for a while. It means I've volunteered to bench coach for our games even though it seems that a Bench-Coach decision was already made without consent of the team or our captains. Mary Lou Wretched, our fearless co-captain, is a swell lady. She brought me soup, Arnica for my bruise, and a smile when she said she thought me bench coaching was a fun idea.
If anyone knows about injury, it's that lady. Several months ago, a few girls in Texas sandwiched her and broke her collarbone.
I know I'm Type-A and have just recently begun to work out 4/5/6 days a week... but Ms. Wretched is quite a tough cookie.. Going from running miles and miles everyday, to sitting on the couch because she's broken.. Well. She's the inspiration, not me.
(if you so choose, you can visit her blog at and check out her posts)

Right now I'm struggling to see the bright side of things when my knee hurts and I'm feeling sorry for myself and I'm being a big ol' whiny baby... Maybe it'll get better. I'm hoping it does.

But for now, I suppose I'll go take a shower so I can get ready for my last orchestra concert ever.
Then come home and eat some pills. :)

But I'll leave you with this glorious photo of me fucked up after my ER visit... My derby big sis thought it was hilarious and sent it to Wicked saying "@WickedSkatewear never looked so good. Even in an emergency after practice! http://plixi.com/p/92549174"
heh...