I'm sitting in front of my desk, waiting for something profound to come to me. Something amazing to fill the first entry of this shiny new "grown up" blog.
But I have no profound thoughts today.
I view this blog as a stepping stone.
Something new past livejournal and xanga. Something else. Something I can actually write in, and I can escape drama, an outlet, a place to write.
I'm 24 years old. I have to get past that stage in life where girls are drama and trouble and we can't trust each other.
I'm struggling with it all.
However, this year, I've taken steps to do just that. Signed up for my last classes for my Bachelors. I've maintained a healthy relationship for 5 months thus far. I've paid off one of two credit cards. I've begun seriously considering life outside of this vacuum called "college." It's just, I get 3 steps forward and I get knocked back that many steps or more.
I don't care to be politically correct or god forbid, trodding on glass in this blog like I did xangaland. So, I'll be candid. I'll be honest. I'll be open.
Because I haven't been able to be those things in a very long time.
This is my sixth year in college. And I hate it. I hate that it's my sixth year. I hate that I'm still in college, that I haven't graduated, made my way into the world to make my family proud, etc etc etc. But, i still STILL don't know what I want to do.
This is my fourth Major.
Freshman year: Music Performance, English Ed
Sophomore: Music Performace, History Ed
Junior: Music Ed
Senior, Super Senior, ...super super senior...: Music Ed.
I hate my degree program. I hate the education department. And I hate my teachers. (Except my lessons teacher- who is awesome.)
But I guess it won't matter if I fail out...
Right now, I'm having a dispute with one of my professors about whether or not I'm dishonest.
Not academically, but honest. If I'm telling the truth in life.
Truly. This is the dispute.
Our disagreement is that I hold my point at I got faulty information via word-of-mouth from his GA about my ePortfolio ("Just makes sure your files are updated and you should be fine). He says there were too many opportunities to get the list of requirements for the portfolio for my claim to be honest. Therefore, I must be dishonest.
If there's one thing in life I hate the most, it's being called a liar.
I'm struggling even more with this situation, because of my position of President in my fraternal organization.
We're under suspension right now for some seriously heavy stuff, because a few girls lashed out instead of taking their light and deserved punishment.
Now the Chapter is in jeopardy.
And to make matters worse, myself, as president, and a few other girls could face some sort of criminal charges for hosting a party at which we sold shots.
If I have selling liquor without a license charges and buying for minors charges- I'll probably be dropped from the program anyway.
I'm struggling.
And I don't know what to do anymore.
Everything is so convoluted, and I'm lost.
To make matters worse, I keep praying.
Sometimes, randomly, I'll feel a sense of peace, driving in the rain, or in the silence of a library.
I always feel God at the lake.
Side story.. After my meeting with Student Conduct, I was feeling particularly down. So, Nate took me on a long drive- our favorite thing. And he drove me out to Lake Springfield- my favorite place. We walked out to the little covered dock.. after a few minutes- it started pouring. The roof to the dock is tin. It was music. A symphony. And all I could do was laugh.
I hate that a laugh or a smile feels so foreign on my face.
I hate that I know the appropriate times to smile and the appropriate times to laugh, so I oblige. And I'm getting so good at faking- that a genuine smile or laugh feels strange.
I miss feeling passion for God.
To be frank, I miss feeling passion for anything.
I'm planning this elaborate future- but for what.
The only thing I see in my future is Nathan. And I'm praying that I don't scare him away with my hard-to-control emotions, and my possible expulsion from the University for something that every Greek organization participates in....
I'm in the wrong.
I've dug a hole.
And i'm praying that I can rescue everyone else- instead of myself.
That sounds so... pathetic, really.
It sounds like I'm trying to make myself a martyr.
But I'm not.
I'm the president so I should take the blame.
I should jump in front of the bus.
And at least try to save the group of people behind me....
Sigh.
Currently Listening To: Keep Breathing - Ingrid Michaelson
You Tube Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sSRdGe_-WFo&feature=related
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