February 18, 2012
Mom: I didn’t hear you say anything about this special person in your life coming around this last week when you were sick. Did he not want to get sick, too?
Me: Still avoiding your questions! I’ll tell you when you’re ready.
Mom: Its not a guy is it?
Me: Do you actually want to know?
Mom: You’ve been acting odd for a while and I just want to know why you think you think this.
Me: Why I think I think.. What?
Mom: You think you’re gay.
Me: I never said I was gay. Bi, maybe. I’ve actually felt like this for as long as I can remember.. You just never asked, and I never told.
Mom: Maybe it’s because it’s easier. You don’t want to get out there and date and maybe get your heart broke again. Nate hurt you alot so you shut down and you surrounded yourself with girlfriends. Too easy of an out.
Me: Or I met a girl I actually like, and we started dating. Girls can break hearts, too.
Mom: I don’t buy it. You have bought into the world of easy. I just don’t buy it.
Me: lol okay.. You don’t have to. But I’m in a relationship with a girl. If it works out, it’ll work out. Why would you think this is easier? It’s like any other relationship I’ve had, maybe better.
February 22, 2012
Mom: Just relaying a message.
Me: Credit Card.
Me: When you’re ready you’ll talk to me again. Regardless of my decisions or life happenings, you know I’m still your daughter and you love me. Unless dad doesn’t love me.. You always sided with him.
Mom: I don’t know when I’ll be ready. My heart is broken. You are a child of God and kno what you’re doing is wrong and a sin. That your life is not what God wants. I’m praying that you see that. Until then all I can do is pray for you. And I love you.
Me: I haven’t been close to God in years, until I met her. I know you won’t understand. That’s okay. And don’t you think God would’ve said something to me first? But he hasn’t. Let him condemn me. That’s not your job.
Me: And yes. I’ve been listening. So don’t tell me it’s because I ignore him.
Mom: But you are the one who moved away. He’s always been right by your side. Sin has a way of pulling you away and making the world look so great. You know what I want? I want my sweet kind loving giving child back. She’s lost. If you can find her can you show her the way home? I know God can.
Me: Also. I need uncle Joe’s phone number.
Mom: Why?
Me: Because he’ll be the only one who won’t hate me. And I’m not dignifying any of that with a response.. I haven’t been anyone’s sweet little girl in years. Years, mom. It’s a delusion to think I’m something I’m not, and haven’t been. I still know and love God. I just don’t have to love him in the same way you do.
Me: He (my uncle) won’t judge me. Plus I want my girlfriend to meet someone of the family someday.
Mom: I’m done. I can’t, won’t, don’t have to deal with this even though you have destroyed me. But you don’t care about that. You have become selfish, hateful, rude, ugly and mean. I don’t even like to be around you anymore to be perfectly honest. I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt but I’m through. I can’t take any more. All I can do is pray that God works a miracle in your life.
Mom: God will judge you for your sins make no mistake about that.
Me: Good. That means you don’t have to. And insulting me and calling me names won’t change anything. Please give me my uncle’s phone number.
Mom: No. I’m done with this conversation. Please don’t text me.
Me: Have you told anyone else?
Dear Mom,
I'm gay. I think at this point, that will come as no surprise to you.
I came out to you via text message, because you made me.... Well, I guess technically I told you I was bi... which is not accurate. I don't rule guys out, but I'm just not interested in what they have to offer. *ahem* I like the ladies. That's just how I do. And that's okay with me now. It took me this long to figure out that being gay isn't wrong. Being judgmental and mean is wrong. Judging people, instead of letting your deity do it, is wrong. I am just fine. I've made peace with myself and with the powers that be, and I'm okay now.
I was not surprised in the slightest by your reaction, but I was disappointed in you. I thought you'd grown to be a little more accepting of people, considering you talked to Uncle Joe (my fabulously gay uncle) everyday on the phone. The way you reacted was childish and mean, honestly. It was so uncomfortable, and it hurt so badly that I didn't think I would be able to get over it.
But that girl who was in my life then, and is still in my life now, helped me through it. She's my rock, and I wish that I could tell you about it.. But I know you won't be receptive. She has been there for me through the hardest days, the ones where I sat on the couch and cried. She's been there on the best days. She's been there on the mediocre days... She's been there. And still is.
I was not ready to come out then, but you forced my hand. You MADE me talk about it when I wasn't ready, and maybe that hurts even more than your insults and lack of caring. I wanted to come out to Uncle Joe first. He would've understood and could've counseled me on how to talk to you and Dad. It broke my heart when Uncle Joe died just a month or two later, and I didn't get to talk to him. I think often about writing a letter to his partner, Nick, though. It pains me to say it, but I still blame you a little for not giving me his phone number. I desperately needed an outlet and you denied me one. It still pains me to think about, so I try to put it out of my mind as much as possible. (But sometimes I can't avoid it. When Not-Girlfriend I went to St Louis Pridefest, the AIDS Memorial Quilt was there, and I lost my shit. I just started crying knowing I can't rewind time and go back to talk to Uncle Joe and get some much needed advice and counseling. But Not-Girlfriend was there at that moment, too.)
A lot has happened since we had that text conversation. Some really heavy stuff, and sometimes I'd like to be able to call you, my mother, and talk to you about the issues I'm having. Things like, Girlfriend and I broke up. It's not that our relationship wasn't working out - on the contrary, it was incredible. However, even though we are so madly in love with each other, we realize that in order to be awesome together, you need to be awesome on your own. She's dealing with some things, and needs this time to become more awesome (even if I don't think that's possible... She's the awesome-est). But honestly, so do I. I struggle a lot with jealously and insecurity and how to properly display anger (even though I don't think anger is a sincere emotion. It's just a cover-up for fear)... something that, sometimes, I think I learned from you. But I would never tell you that because I think it would make you feel guilty. And that's not what I want.
But I'm tired of constantly feeling guilty, and that's why I came out. I have felt guilty my entire life about the feelings I have for girls. I can remember being around 5 years old and knowing I liked girls. But that's something else I can't tell you, because you think I'm doing this out of spite, or it's a phase or I've been hurt by boys. Because I was raised in a very conservative Southern Baptist home, I tried to pray away my feelings for girls. Considering my current circumstances, we both know that it obviously didn't work. When I was a teenager I was SO anti-gay due of religion and because of that, I hated myself. I hated the way I looked, the way I acted, then way I felt about everything. I didn't think I was lovable or that I could love anyone, ever. I felt worthless and sad constantly, so much so that I started cutting. Two years later, I finally got the courage to tell you and Dad that I needed help, because I didn't want to exist anymore. I didn't think anyone actually loved me or would care that I just *poof* disappeared. But you never knew any of this, and neither did my art therapist. Although I will say that the one poignant moment in my therapy was when Kim asked me to draw shapes of the emotions she recited. I remember drawing a cube for the word anger, meaning I kept it bottled up constantly. Kim made me journal. I've filled dozens of notebooks since then. See, sometimes only writing helps, which is why I'm writing you now.
Thank Heavens I never succeeded in any of my attempts, because I would've missed out on the greatest love I've ever experienced. I would've missed kissing a girl, and meaning it, for the first time. I would've missed the births of some of the coolest Tiny Humans on the planet. I would've missed out on getting to know my siblings. I never would've learned that I would be able to conquer some of the lowest, hardest times in my life. I never would've graduated from college, or learned that I have a passion for baking. I never would've learned that we, as people, are intrepid. Because of everything, I am better and stronger now than I ever could've imagined. I never would've learned that it DOES get better, even when it seems hopeless. If I could go back and tell my 16 year old self anything.. It would be that. It gets better. It always gets better. I've learned such valuable lessons by surrounding myself with incredible, incredible people who love me for exactly what I am, and nothing less. People who inspire me and motivate me to continue to make myself better for me.
I wish you knew I never meant to hurt you, or anger you, or embarrass you by coming out.. and I wish I could tell you that I'm honestly so much happier now. Not-Girlfriend is one of the most amazing people I have ever encountered in my life. She's strong and secure and confident. She's strong where I'm weak. She's brilliant and funny. And although you won't care to know this, she's the most stunningly beautiful creature on the planet. I am so in love with her.
Which is why I wish I could talk to you about this... because while she and I are not technically together right now, we're still together, and we take care of each other. That's what love is. Even when things are hard, you are patient and supportive. You carry the other when times get dark for them. And sometimes, dammit, I just need to talk to you about relationships or feelings or thoughts or whatever so that I don't go fucking crazy.... But that's also something I learned from you - bottle it all up inside me instead of talking about my feelings. But despite it all, at 27 years old, I'm finally learning how to communicate with the people I love, even about the hard stuff. Not-Girlfriend is great at communication. Me? Not so much. But I'm learning and I'm growing because of it. I'm not saying my communication is awesome, because it most certainly is not. Sometimes my heart hurts so badly, I have no words; so I get wasted then I hip check people on the dance floor and run away to cry about it because I'm not a mean girl. I don't even know how to handle confrontation. Yeah. That actually happened. I'm not proud of it. But it happened and it's over. At least I didn't punch anyone.
I wish you could come to an acceptance of me and my life. I know it will take time, and I'll be as patient as possible... but my life keeps happening and you are missing it. Sometimes I get really angry at you for not being there for me. No, not angry. Afraid. I'm afraid you will never come to terms with any of this, and I won't have a mother to run to, which is quite honestly, heartbreaking. You don't have to agree with my life or my choices. I mean, let's be honest, you've never been too keen on my decision making - we're very VERY different people. You are Christian lady so you believe that women should be ladylike and meek and subservient. I've never fit into your mold. I've always loved doing my own thing and being my own person... And now, I finally am. I may not have the job you want me to have or the relationship you want me to have or the degree you want me to have... But that's okay. I'm doing me now and I think you should be proud of me for that.
Love,
Your awesome daughter who also happens to be awesomely gay.
PS. I'm working on forgiving you, but I'm not there just yet. And that's okay. We all need time to feel.
